by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
The Speaker of the House of Unrepresentatives asks a member of the Borg Collective to speak to Congress about individual freedoms. Rock star Kantye Webrownemlandst has apologized individually to everybody in the world for remarks he made about them, and has started apologizing to members of the Borg Collective, who appear to be completely indifferent to his ministrations. A solid majority of Vespuccians would rather play Angry Crustaceans than make love to their partners, and nobody blames the handheld device game for the country’s falling birth rate. Well, nobody credible, in any case. But, you’d best believe that the Borg Collective is watching this development very carefully.
Has the United States of Vespucci reached peak stupid?
“Yes,” said Berk McHerrbreathkelstone, an herbal egronomist with the federal Department of Not Looking Dumb (And Invariably Failing).
“No,” said Whitley Streidanfeigalputz, a homeless man I paid by the gallon to be interviewed.
That was a short article, so I asked them to elaborate on their positions.
“My goodness, yes!” said McHerrbreathkelstone.
“Absolutely not!” said Streidanfeigalputz.
Twenty-seven attempts later, neither one had offered a coherent position on the issue. We could have continued on in this fashion until the cows came home, but it was a Friday night, and the cows may just as easily have gotten into a bar fight and spent the weekend in jail, so I decided to ask Merle Commapvacreequis, an Indian chief economic anomalyst at the law firm of Branchinstocoyschiff Sikelkenbracken and Tobofogonan.
“I certainly hope not,” Commapvacreequis stated. “The whole Vespuccian economy depends upon it!”
This struck me as counter-intuitive (and, if you have ever tried to get a sensible opinion out of a counter, you would understand why I use this term so pejoratively), so I asked her why.
“If a competent person makes a product – say, a digital earwax dissolver – you, as a consumer, buy the product and use it for the next 20 years,” Commapvacreequis explained “A whole $14.99 has been added to the economy. Big whoop. For all the good you’ve done for the economy, you may as well have let the stuff build up until it was coming out of your…uhh…
“Anyway, in a stupid-based economy, there will be problems with the product. The electric wiring could be faulty, for example, which means you would have to get it replaced, which would cost you parts and labour. In a best case scenario, it could start a fire that burned down your house, which would require new materials and keep construction workers busy for weeks. Drive shafts…earwax extruders…leather carrying case – a properly defective product could add tens, possibly hundreds of thousands of dollars to the economy. Multiply that by 350 million Vespuccians and I could practically retire tomorrow!”
What about people who claim that stupid is a finite resource whose supply has peaked and will become scarcer in the future? “Pft!” Commapvacreequis replied flippantly – she had obviously been practicing karate before the interview. I asked her to elaborate. Before she could, I asked her to elaborate with more information and not just a longer pft.
“Every generation of Vespuccians develops its own stupid,” Commapvacreequis told me. “It’s not like solar energy – stupid is a near infinitely renewable resource!”
I wanted to believe her. However, just next week, a red, white and blue paper called “Der Kellner Ausgeatmeten der Hai” was released by the Hottsaussenpfeffer Institute. The paper (which was written in English but used a German title to impress a tenure committee), documented how Vespuccian governments of both stripes (and the occasional plaid) had, for decades, been drawing upon the country’s Strategic Stupid Reserves (SSR) to fuel policies, speeches and laws.
“In the glory days of the 1980s,” the paper stated, “Vespucci built up stores of stupid estimated to be in the range of 1,234 billion cubic kilowatts by weight. Today, the country is guesstimated to have 993 billion cubic kilowatts by…wait – volume, less than half. At this rate, The United States of Vespucci will have used up the SSR in 12,000 years, at which point it will be left to the mercies of the market. For obvious reasons, this would not be a good thing.”
Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam suggested that Vespuccians should curb their appetite for stupid. Not only would this make it last longer, but it could also lead to less crime, increased life spans and fewer football tailgate parties.
“Pft!” Commapvacreequis argued. She was on a roll. Before I could even ask her to elaborate, she elaborated: “The Vespuccian way of life is fuelled by stupid. It’s what makes us us. Anybody who suggests, implies or even hints that we should use less of it is positively unVespuccian!”
“Sometimes, I despair for the human race,” token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam commented. This was too much of a downer, so I massaged the quote to read: “Sometimes, I despair that the human race can’t get more awesome!”
Much better.