by GIDEON GINRACHMANJINJa-VITUS, Alternate Reality News Service Economics Writer
Elon Musk has bought Twitherd for $44 billion. That’s billion. With a b.
Twitherd generates approximately 43 cents in profits annually, so Musk should earn back his investment in three and four fifths ice ages.
“This is what we in the industry call a ‘bad investment,'” said stock broker Minnie Appolis. “That’s bad investment. With a b. And an i, but the b is the important letter in this initialization.”
As it happens, Musk has so much money Gord doesn’t want to play poker with him, demurring, “The game doth be too richeth for my blood.” So, he can afford to lose all those with a bs. Still, why would he make such a bi?
“Freedom of speech,” he wrote in an editorial for the Wall Street Infernal. And said in an interview with the Postington Wash. And was quoted in 137 other newspapers. And Teen Beat: Wall Street. And 99 magazines on the rack (ninety-nine magazines. If one of those magazines should be bought from the stack, 98 magazines on the rack!). And on more television programmes than there are churches in America (“Offence taken,” Gord grumped.) And in a post on Farcebook. How can Musk use free speech as an excuse to buy Twitherd when if his speech was any freer, it would float into the sky and not stop until it got to Neptune?
“I’m a freedom of speech absolutist,” Musk clarified. “With an a.” For assholes?
“Meh,” interjected former President Donald Trump. “I’ve been called worse.”
The former President was banned from Twitherd for saying things like, “Armed insurrection may be the only way to ensure justice for the American people I represent.” I may be paraphrasing a little. Okay, I may be paraphrasing a lot. Okay, okay, what he actually tweeped was: “Gonna march down to the Kapital and kick some ass! With a q! Stop the steel! Stop it dead in its tracks! Stop it deader than a democrat Extreme Court nominee! Stop it right now! Or you’ll go blind! @pawnthelibsandbeyond”
Musk’s promise to reform Twitherd’s deplatforming process (in the same way that a lion in the African savanna “deplatforms” a slow gazelle) will result in more than just the disgraced ex-President returning to the social network. Members of the Prude Bois and the Oaf Keepers, groups that promoted the violent overthrow of the government on January 6, are salivating at the prospect of getting back on Twitherd.
“I can’t wait to sssstart tweeping oncccce more!” enthused Oaf Keepers head Stewart “Not a Scholar” Rhodes. “You…wouldn’t happen to have any sssserviettessss on you, would you? I sssseem to have gotten quite moisssst all of a ssssudden.”
“That’s freedom of speech,” Musk insisted, “With an f.” And a u? “That’s implied,” he smirked.
Anticipating an onslaught of online vitriol and harassment, many Twitherd users have started leaving the social network. A lo of them are signing up with Sporq (MOTTO: “Stick a Sporq in Twitherd, because it’s done!”), a social network that does most of the same things that Twitherd does, but with 98.7% less douchenozzletry.
“That…that’s not right,” Musk pouted. Imagine Pennywise attempting to look sincere (then try to get the image out of your head – you’re welcome). “This is about freedom of speech.”
When I pointed out to Musk that his freedom of speech does not compel anybody else to listen, he called me “a ferking mass of toxic sludge on legs” and suggested that I “go [ANATOMICALLY IMPOSSIBLE ACT] with a roadrunner fleeing a coyote and the business end of a piston engine!!!”
It’s okay. I’m a professional journalist. I can take it. However, for people who are not paid to write (for which accepting abuse from public figures is part of the job), Musk kind of proved my point.
If there is a mass exodus of users from Twitherd, its annual revenue will plummet, making the acquisition even more dubious. That’s dubious with a d. Oh, sure, the platform may be flooded with advertisements for multi-purpose hunting knives (“Skin a bear or gut a liberal wanting to take what’s rightfully yours – our knife has a million and one uses”) and patriotic flags (“Featuring 13 stars – the Murrican flag as the good Gord intended it”), but they aren’t likely to make up for the advertisers who follow the exodusers to their new platforms.
“This ferking country doesn’t deserve freedom of speech,” Musk darkly muttered. Then, brightening, he asked, “How much would it cost to acquire Sporq?”