“What are you doing?”
“Umm…sitting in a blue fold-up chair on the sidewalk on the opposite side of the street from police headquarters, eating a chicken and bacon sandwich.”
“I can see that. I mean: what are you doing here?”
“Oh. You mean: what am I doing? Here?”
“Yeah. What are you doing here?”
“Performance art.”
“Performance art?”
“Performance art.”
“And what do you call this…performance art?”
“I call it: Umm…Sitting In a Blue Fold-up Chair on the Sidewalk on the Opposite Side of the Street From Police Headquarters, Eating a Chicken and Bacon Sandwich.”
“Sitting In a Blue Fold-up Chair on the Sidewalk on the Opposite Side of the Street From Police Headquarters, Eating a Chicken and Bacon Sandwich?”
“Umm…Sitting In a Blue Fold-up Chair on the Sidewalk on the Opposite Side of the Street From Police Headquarters, Eating a Chicken and Bacon Sandwich, actually. The ‘umm’ is the most important part of the aesthetic.”
“That’s a little on the nose, isn’t it?”
“A little on the nose? Brother, it is the nose!”
“Then why call it that?”
“Why call it that?”
“Is there an echo on this street?”
“Well, when I premiered the piece in London last year, it was called Umm…Sitting in a Yellow Fold-up Chair on the Sidewalk on the Opposite Side of the Street From Scotland Yard, Eating a Fish and Chips Sandwich. I needed to make the title of this iteration of the work consistent with the previous iteration so that the audience would know that they were part of a series.”
“A series?”
“A series.”
“What series?”
“Are you sure you want to ask?”
“In for a penny, in for an Ezra Pound, I always say.”
“And well said, too. Well, then, since you’re sure you want to ask, I’m currently negotiating with Paris to mount Umm…Sitting In a Red Fold-up Chair on the Sidewalk on the Opposite Side of the Street From the Surete, Eating a Ham and Cheese Sandwich…on a Brioche. If that goes well, I hope in a couple of years to be in Jerusalem to perform Umm…Sitting In a Plaid Fold-up Chair on the Sidewalk on the Opposite Side of the Street From IDF Headquarters, Eating a Falafel. But that’s ultimately up to the audience.”
“Why is it always in front of a police station?”
“Not every country has a McDonald’s.”
“But all the countries you’re performing in have a McDonald’s.”
“I know. Crazy world, isn’t it?”
“Umm…”
“That’s what I say.”
“Sooooo…does your performance art have a message?”
“A message?”
“There really is a strong echo on this street!”
“Yes: always wear sunscreen.”
“Hmm…sounds familiar…”
“I didn’t steal the message! It…it…it’s an homage to a great artist!”
“Umm…okay…”
“And anyway, that’s not really the message.”
“Not really the message?”
“Not really the message.”
“What is the message?”
“What is -“
“Yes! What is it?”
“Theeeee…message…of the piece…is…umm… Wherever you find yourself in life, whether it’s in your bathtub or on the sidewalk of a street opposite a police station, and whatever you find yourself doing in life, whether its taking tuba lessons or eating a sandwich, be comfortable being yourself.”
“That’s deep, man.”
“Thanks. Now, bugger off so I can finish my lunch.”
“Bugger off so you can finish your lunch?”
“Bugger off so I can finish my lunch!”
“S…sure thing, man. Hunh – artists!”
“Hey, I couldn’t help but overhear what you were saying to that other guy.”
“You overheard what I was saying to that other guy?”
“That’s right. Is this really performance art?”
“Yes, although it isn’t the piece I claimed it was.”
“Not the piece you claimed it was?”
“Not the piece I claimed it was.”
“So, what piece is it?”
“It’s called Umm…I’m Just Eating My Lunch While I Wait to Meet Friends And Don’t Want to Have to Explain Myself to Complete Strangers, So I’m Going/ to Call it Performance Art.”
“I’m Just Eating My Lunch While I Wait to Meet Friends And Don’t Want to Have to Explain Myself to Complete Strangers, So I’m Going to Call it Performance Art?”
“Umm…I’m Just Eating My Lunch While I Wait to Meet Friends And Don’t Want to Have to Explain Myself to Complete Strangers, So I’m Going to Call it Performance Art. The umm is the most important part of the title. Gives it gravitas.”
“That’s deep, man.”
* SIGH * “You want half a sandwich? I don’t think I’m going to be able to finish it…”