“A-LAN!”
“Yes, mom?”
“It’s your turn to do the dishes.”
“Aww, mom! Do I hafta?”
“Well, we could just let the dishes pile up. But, if we did that, dirty dishes would eventually fill the house, and then we’d have to move. You don’t want to have to move, do you?”
“Can we move to Disneyland?”
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Living in Disneyland would be great.”
“Son, I think you’re missing the point -“
“Nobody ever has to do dishes in Disneyland!”
“As a matter of fact, people do have to do dishes in Disnelyand.”
“Okay, but not us!”
“I’ll talk about it with your dad, but I wouldn’t get my hopes up if I was you. And, in the meantime, it’s your turn to do the dishes.”
“Hmm…how about if I…went to the store and bought chocolate bars?”
“I’m sorry?”
“Sure, sure. We’ll call it…offsets. I offset a chore I don’t want to do with one I am willing to do. You understand?”
“Oh, I understand, all right, young man. Do you have the money to buy the chocolate bars you want from the store?”
“Oh. Umm. Well…I would have to talk to dad about that…”
“Don’t bother. You can’t offset doing the dishes by going to the store and buying chocolate bars.”
“Hmm…okay. Okay, I see where the problem lies. I have to find something more clearly equivalent to washing the dishes in order to offset it. One unpleasant chore for another.”
“Sweetie, I really don’t think -“
“How about if I…do Elsie’s homework?”
“Do your sister’s homework?”
“Yeah. Yeah! If I do…10 pages of reading and half an essay for her, can I get the credit that she has for when she did the dishes?”
“Alan…”
“Not enough? Okay, how about 10 pages of reading and 10 math problems? Would that be enough to offset doing the dishes?”
“No. Alan, you -“
“Wow. You drive a hard bargain, mom. Okay. I’ll give you 10 pages of reading, 10 math problems and half an essay. That’s my final offer.”
“Your final offer?”
“Look at it from my point of view, mom: any more of Elsie’s homework tonight and it will get very unpleasant. I might as well do the dishes.”
“What a good idea!”
“Whoa whoa whoa whoa! Let’s not go there until we have explored all of our other options! That’s not how negotiations work.”
“No, hunh. Okay, look, Alan, we’re not negotiating, here, but, if we were, there are two fundamental problems with your little scheme -“
“Dishwashing Offset Plan, mom. Call it by its right name.”
“Right. The first is that doing Elsie’s homework does not get you out of to doing the dishes. Both need to be done.”
“But -“
“The other problem is that, if I allowed this scheme to go into effect, the dishes could never get washed. What if I decided to offset doing the dishes by working on a pair of legal briefs, and your father decided to offset doing the dishes by working in the tool shed and Marie decided to offset doing the dishes by pooping in her diaper? Don’t you see what would happen?”
“A trip to Disneyland?”
“A visit from Social Services threatening to take you away if we don’t do something about the pig sty you’re living in.”
“Hmm…okay. How about this? Offsets become weaker over time.”
“Alan -“
“No. Hear me out. Say, I do 10 pages of reading and 10 math problems for Elsie to offset doing 10 dishes this week. Then, next week, I have to do 12 pages of reading and 11 math problems to offset doing the same 10 dishes – or, conversely, use 10 pages of reading and 10 math problems to offset washing only nine dishes. See? Over time, the dishes would get done, but within a framework that -“
“Or, you could do the dishes right now like I asked you to.”
“Way to incentivize, mom!”
“I beg your pardon?”
“Everybody knows that nobody does anything out of the goodness of their hearts. You need to offer incentives to get people to do things that need to be done, and, the dirtier the job, the bigger the incentive has to be.”
“Really? Everybody knows that?”
“Everybody in grade five, yep.”
“Then, tell me: if not out of the goodness of our hearts – our love – why do your father and I allow you to live here? It costs us a lot of money to cloth and feed you and keep this roof over your head. What is our incentive?”
“I’ve often wondered that myself.”
“Humph! Alan, you’re too young to understand human nature – trade and incentives aren’t the only things that motivate people. But, I’m done arguing with you. Do the dishes, or you won’t get your allowance this week!”
“You want to use a penalty as an incentive? Really? Come on, mom! Nobody does that any more.”
“Why not?”
“Because it, umm, actually works.”
“Good. If you -“
“ALAN! TIME FOR BED!”
“COMING, DAD! Later, mom!”
“But…but…AAH!”