Okay, the Middle Ages weren’t exactly a barrel of laughs. You had plagues. You had insane monarchs. You had…Maypole dances. There is a reason the foremost collectors of folk rhymes of the day were called the brothers Grimm.
Still, every time period has its negative aspects, the present being a case in point. The present is always a case in point. One would think that nursery rhymes, which were originally cautionary tales for adults, would keep pace with the times. Well, I like to scare adults with cautionary tales, so call me the brother the Grimms never knew they had (and probably wouldn’t have wanted in any case) and allow me to revise the old classics, to make them, uhh, new classics…
Jack and Jill – Accident Victims Or…?
Jack and Jill went up the hill
To fetch a pail of water
Jack fell down and broke his crown
And Jill came tumbling after
The cops and the feds butted heads
To determine who was in error
The cops were sure it was an accident pure
And the feds were certain it was terror
The President and Military General said, “I need a lot of men or I’ll
Guarantee more unwarranted attacks.”
To the General’s delight he was given lots more money to fight
And the President lowered the wealthy’s tax
The tabloids and the TV nets fought to see who could buy the biggest gets
When they found out who had been hurt
The tabloids would dangle the alien abduction angle
And TV nets promote the high terror alert
Jack and Jill became pawns of The Hill
To promote a bogus war
Jack was left for dead because of his broken head
And Jill could never live as before
Little Jack Horner’s Horror
Little Jack Horner sat in a corner
Eating his Christmas pie
He stuck in his thumb and pulled out a plumb
And said, “What a good boy am I!”
The EPA said no way
The plumb was rotten to the core
The pesticide sprayed on the crop far and wide
Could bring a child to death’s door
The President took one look at the report and did hotly retort
“We will not let this stand!
Plumb growers are my friends, and the only way this ends
Is if there are no more fruit growers in the land!”
So, looking quite tired, the President fired
The scientists who gave out the warning
They were quietly replaced by researchers who put a better face
On the state of corporate farming
Little Jack Horner no longer sits in his corner
But in an expensive hospital bed
He swallowed the pie along with the lie
And the chemicals have left him for dead
Mary Had a Little Lamb…For A While
Mary had a little lamb
It’s fleece was white as snow
And everywhere that Mary went
The lamb was sure to go
Mary was hit with an order restraining
And for cause was forced to show
That the beautiful creature she was training
Hadn’t been created by Monsanto
“I know nothing of genetic engineering,”
Mary innocently told the court.
“And see no reason to be fearing
My lamb’s life being cut short.”
Monsanto’s lawyers told the judge
They worked from a legal precedent higher
And asked for not a whit of fudge
On a restraint, prior
The company had created the design
And the company had the means
Monsanto had patented a line
That included one of Mary’s lamb’s genes
Mary had a little lamb
Its fleece was white as snow
But Mary couldn’t afford to get out of the jam
And her flock is now in escrow
Humpty’s Case Reconsidered
Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
All the king’s horses and all the king’s men
Couldn’t put Humpty together again
Frumpty Dumpty was broken-hearted
That from her hubby she had been parted
And though her sorrow no amount of money could erase
Her team of lawyers thought she had a strong case
The wall was built too high, you see
Guaranteeing a fall at high velocity
So, while Frumpty Dumpty was in mourning
Her lawyers sued because the wall came with no warning
The jury took no time to agree
And gave Frumpty Dumpty a gazillion dollars for her misery
But don’t worry if you think the justice system needs to get real
The brick manufacturers have launched an appeal