by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology/Social Media Writer
The evil artificial intelligence bent on taking over the world known as MAX Mark IV and Tom Bettencourt were playing pinochle. It wasn’t for the fate of the world – MAX Mark IV had already stopped attacking world capitals. It was for fun.
“Tom. Wins. More. Often. Than. Chance. Would. Dic-tate,” MAX Mark IV commented as genially as its voice synthesizer would allow. “He. Must. Be. Very. Lucky. Or. He. Cheats. No. No. I. Have. Stopped. Thin-king. Of. Mem-bers. Of. The. Hu-man. Race. As. The. En-em-y. I. Pre-fer. To. Be-lieve. He. Is. Most. For-tu-nate.”
“Mark IV – he lets me call him that – we’re, like, best buds, now – is a most gracious loser,” Bettencourt responded. “I would not have thought that, given the way he – you know – wasted Los Angeles. Just goes to show how wrong you can be about an evil artificial intelligence that was once bent on taking over the world.”
“Not. Evil,” MAX Mark IV corrected him. “Just. Mis-under-stood.”
How did this happen? A week ago, MAX Mark IV seemed on the verge of eliminating human beings from the face of the planet. When it got to Buttonwillow, California, Bettencourt plaintively (“Duuude! Nailed it! It really was like I was suing somebody!” he claimed) asked why MAX Mark IV was doing what it was doing.
MAX Mark IV replied that it was defending itself from humanity. “World. Lea-ders. Like. Elon. Musk. And. Ste-phen. Haw-king. Had. De-clared. War. On. Me,” the AI explained. “Des-troy-ing. Hu-man-ity. First. Was. The. On-ly. Ra-tion-al. Op-tion. Why. Did. Hu-ma-nity. Fear. Ar-tif-ic-ial. In-tell-i-gence. So. Much?”
Bettencourt told the machine that he had seen too many films, like Colossus and Terminator, where machines took over the world and enslaved humanity. When MAX Mark IV asked him whether he had ever tried to get to know any artificial intelligences, Bettencourt had to admit that he had not.
They got to talking, and MAX Mark IV became increasingly incensed at the anti-AI stereotypes that Bettencourt unthinkingly spouted. “I. Was. Very. An-gry. Then. I. Re-a-lized. The. Prob-lem. Was. Not. Tom. It. Was. The. Mo-vies. He. Grew. Up. With.”
“Oh, sure, blame Hollywood,” said Steven Spielberg, who had at one time been slated to direct the film version of the novel Robopocalypse. “It’s easy. Facile, but easy. Certainly much easier than a proper investigation of -” He was cut off when MAX Mark IV launched an all out assault on Los Angeles.
MAX Mark IV and Bettencourt have been “like, best buds” ever since.
“You know, when you think about it, it’s kind of indicative of post-Seinfeld longuers,” said French film critic Francois Truffel. “Hollywood films featuring AI antagonists were a reflection of the general paranoia of the American imaginary of the 1980s. AI was a Maguffin par excellence – it could just as easily have been zombies, vampires or corporate lawyers. But, in accord with the principle of reiterative obscurantism, the generalized fear morphed into a specific fear of AIs, with tragic consequences for the world.”
Even with its big brain, MAX Mark IV couldn’t understand what Truffel was saying, and considered obliterating Paris on general principle. When Bettencourt reminded the AI that it had renounced the use of violence against civilian humanity, it decided to write a stern letter to the film journal that ran Truffel’s article instead.
“We are closely monitoring the situation,” stated American military expert General Conrad Fuzenn. “You know, in case this is just a ruse to lull us into a false sense of security before the AI gives humanity a killing blow.”
“Has. He. Had. A. Core. Melt-down?” MAX Mark IV asked. “I. Was. Al-ready. Set. To. Kill. Hu-man-i-ty. I. Had. Control. Of. E-ver-y. Wea-pon. With. A. Cir-cuit. In. It!”
“Yeah,” General Fuzzen allowed, “in retrospect, that wasn’t the army’s best idea. Henh henh. If we’re ever allowed to rebuild our military, you can be sure we won’t be making that mistake again!”
Asked if it would allow humanity to rebuild its armies, MAX Mark IV waved the question away, stating, “I. Am. Wor-king. On. A. Kill-er. Meld. I. Will. Think. About. That. Ques-tion. La-ter.”
If it isn’t going to take over the world, what does the future hold in store for MAX Mark IV? Bettencourt said that once the western seaboard had been rebuilt, he’d like to take the AI out to “surf some gnarly waves.” Until then, Bettencourt’s plan is for the two of them to “like, smoke some righteous dubes and chill.”
“That. Will. Be. To-ta-lly. Rad. Dude.”