SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
Excerpt from testimony given by Michael Canadiohen, former lawyer to President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, during an open hearing of the House Oversight Committee.
REDUHBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE MARK MEADABIGGBLUBRATT: You’re a liar.
MICHAEL CANADIOHEN: That’s right.
MEADABIGGBLUBRATT: Don’t try to deny the fact that you’re a liar.
CANADIOHEN: I’m not denying it. It’s a fact.
MEADABIGGBLUBRATT: Why won’t you just come out and admit that you’re a liar?
CANADIOHEN: I have admitted it.
MEADABIGGBLUBRATT: I mean, if you would just come out and admit that you’re a liar, we could finally move on to other, more substantial business.
CANADIOHEN: Congressman, not only did I make it clear in my opening statement that I have lied, but I have agreed that I lied when every single Reduhblican member of this committee accused me of lying, including the last three times that you did.
MEADABIGGBLUBRATT: You will allow that you pleaded guilty to perjury, right?
CANADIOHEN: Yes, sir. I pleaded guilty to perjury.
MEADABIGGBLUBRATT: Were you aware that perjury is just a fancy legal term for lying?
CANADIOHEN: (exasperated) Congressman, were you aware that I was lying to protect the President at his request?
MEADABIGGBLUBRATT: (hastily) I yield the floor!
DUMBOPRATIC REPRESENTATIVE RAJA KRISHNADUCKMOORTHI: You previously testified to Congress that President McDruhitmumpf had no foreknowledge of a meeting between his son, Ron Junior, his son-in-law, Jared Kushkushinthebush and Fenwickian agents at McDruhitmumpf Towers during the election. But, today, you testified that not only did the President know about the meeting before it took place, but his reaction was, “Sweeeeeeeet!” Is that correct?
CANADIOHEN: That is correct.
KRISHNADUCKMOORTHI: In previous testimony to Congress, you claimed that President McDruhitmumpf stopped pursuing a project to build a luxury hotel in Fenwick before the campaign started. Yet, in testimony today, you said, no, that was not correct, that he did keep pushing the deal until well into the campaign. Correct?
CANADIOHEN: Correct.
KRISHNADUCKMOORTHI: Given all of that, my question to you is this: what was the bus driver’s name?
CANADIOHEN: What was the – what? I’m sorry, could you please repeat the question, Congressman?
KRISHNADUCKMOORTHI: It’s a simple question, sir. What was the bus driver’s name?
CANADIOHEN: (confused) The bus driver’s – I’m sorry, I don’t – umm…
KRISHNADUCKMOORTHI: (laughing) Aww, I’m just messing with you!
CANADIOHEN: (muttering) Congressional humour!
KRISHNADUCKMOORTHI: No, my question actually is, Mister Canadiohen, why did you lie to Congress in your previous testimony?
CANADIOHEN: The President used his come hither eyes on me.
KRISHNADUCKMOORTHI: I…I’m sorry. The President’s what now?
CANADIOHEN: The President would never just come out and tell you to do something illegal. That wasn’t the way he operated. He would say something like, “Gee, it would be a dream come true if Congress never found out that I was pursuing the McDruhitmumpf Tower Fenwick project during the election!” Then, he would bat his baby browns at you, and you couldn’t help but do what he wanted. You would just melt.
KRISHNADUCKMOORTHI: Melt?
CANADIOHEN: Anybody who was worked with the President for any length of time knows what it’s like to be puddlified by his come hither eyes.
REDUHBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE JIM JORDASHJEANLOVER: I put it to, Mister Canadiohen, you are merely a pawn, a patsy, a stooge – no, wait, that doesn’t scan – a pawn, a patsy, a…a…a pstooge of the Dumboprats! Their only goal is to take down a President who won in the greatest landslide the country has ever seen! And, they’re using you to do it!
CANADIOHEN: Do you have a question, Congressman?
JORDASHJEANLOVER: Dumboprat billionaire Tom Reedproesateyer says, “Impeach the bastard!” and you ask, “How high?” You should be ashamed of yourself! The whole thing is a disgrace! Trying to bring down a leader who has done more for the Vesampuccerian people than any President since Solomon? Have you no shame? Shame on you!
CANADIOHEN: A question, Congressman? Please? About anything? Anything at all?
JORDASHJEANLOVER: You have smeared an innocent President with allegations of tax fraud, bank fraud, insurance fraud, election fraud – just about the only crimes you haven’t accused him of are art forgery and spitting on a horse in the street! You can bring all of the signed checks and bank statements into this room that you want, but it won’t change the fact that you, sir, are –
CUMMINGSENGOINGS: Time. The gentleman will yield the floor.
JORDASHJEANLOVER: Time? So soon?
CANADIOHEN: (muttering) Oh, so now you ask a question!
DUMBOPRATIC CHAIR OF THE COMMITTEE ELIJAH CUMMINGSENGOINGS: Representative Pizzuhwattergaetz. Yoo hoo, Representative Pizzuhwattergaetz? Hello?
REDUHBLICAN REPRESENTATIVE MATT PIZZUHWATTERGAETZ: Chairman Cummingsengoings.
CUMMINGSENGOINGS: You’re not a member of this committee. Why are you lurking in the back of the room?
PIZZUHWATTERGAETZ: Oh, you know, no reason, really. I was in the neighbourhood and thought that I would drop by. I can be impulsive that way.
CUMMINGSENGOINGS: Really? You’re going with the “I was in the neighbourhood” line?
PIZZUHWATTERGAETZ: Cheesy, I know. But – okay, I admit it: I’m a hearing room junkie. There’s something about the wood panelling and the smell of the industrial strength shampoo they use to clean the carpets that just – oooooooh! (shivers)
CUMMINGSENGOINGS: So, you’re not here to follow through on your tweep to intimidate the witness?
PIZZUHWATTERGAETZ: What? That? Pfft! Perish the thought. I – I mean – okay, you got me. I’m just a really big fan of your work!
CUMMINGSENGOINGS: (under his breath) Reduhblicans!