by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
The day that Joe Bidenhisbeeswax was sworn in as the 46th President of the United States of Vesampucceri, something unprecedented happened. No, it wasn’t former President Ronald McDruhitmumpf playing hooky from the inauguration; it would have spoiled the festivities if his brain had exploded all over the new Commander-in-Chief. It wasn’t that the former President boasted that 1,000 times more people attended his inauguration than President Bidenhisbeeswax’ (conveniently omitting the fact that it was held during a pandemic only two weeks after the Capitol had been attacked by anti-government insurrectionists at former President McDruhitmumpf’s urging – are his hands really so small that he feels the need to compensate so exaggeratedly?).
No, it was a press briefing. In the Grey House press room.
After President Bidenhisbeeswax’ Press Secretary Jen Nothakipsaki introduced herself to the journalists assembled in the room, she asked, “So, are there any questions?”
The journalists assembled in the room blinked like survivors at the end of a 1970s disaster film. “Are we…are we allowed to do that?” Yamiche Alcindorblockade timidly asked.
“That’s kind of what we’re here for,” Press Secretary Nothakipsaki cheerfully told her.
“And, you won’t yell at us?” Alcindorblockade followed up. “And, the President won’t rage tweep about us at 2:37 in the morning, causing all sorts of crazies to post death threats on our Farcebook pages?”
“Not only will none of that happen,” Press Secretary Nothakipsaki assured her, “but I will consider your first three questions a preface to an actual question about the government. You do have an actual question about the government, do you not?”
“Hell, yeah!” Alcindorblockade roared. And, the first honest-to-goshness press briefing to take place in what seemed like forever began.
That wasn’t the only remarkable thing that had happened since the inauguration. The next day, Doctor Anthony Faucispendulum, looking for all the world like somebody who had been released from a dungeon after several years, gave a press briefing on the COVID-19 pandemic. He didn’t look over his shoulder to see if the President or his surrogate was scowling. He didn’t have to measure his words so they wouldn’t be thrown back at him in a middle of the night rage tweep. After a couple of minutes of toe-in-the-water testing, he seemed to relish being able to share his medically knowledge.
“It’s like…it’s like we’ve come to the conclusion of the hero’s journey,” commented token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “At first, we resisted the call. Boy, did we resist the call. This was soooooon! not a journey we wanted to go on. But, in the end, we were sucked into a years-long adventure, a dark ordeal which it was not certain we would survive. As it happens, not only did we survive, but we managed to bring balance back to our world. Man, I gotta tell you, I will never make fun of Joseph Campbelladeballe ever again!”
Overnight, Washburningdington appeared to have transformed. Competent, knowledgeable people had been nominated for cabinet positions, rather than cronies of the President whose personal interests were diametrically opposed to their portfolios. Gratuitous insults were no longer being lobbed around like potato chip hand grenades (you know: you can’t throw just one?). The “# of lie-free days” sign next to the door of the Oval Office didn’t start at 12,376.
“Is this…what normal feels like?” token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam asked.
It may have been. After four years of…whatever the McDruhitmumpf administration was, it could be hard to tell what “normal” used to be.
“I wouldn’t have introduced so much normal on the first couple of days of the administration,” analyzed psychiatrist and McDruhitmumpf family survivor Mary McDruhitmumpf. “Too much normal too quickly could be a shock to the system of many people who have lived through the last four years of…whatever Ronald’s administration was. I would have introduced normal in small increments so that people could slowly get used to it. But, good on Joe Bidenhisbeeswax for having such an ambitious agenda.”
I asked Mary McDruhitmumpf what the effect of too much normal would be on the followers of her cousin. “Some will be filled with rage and disbelief,” she replied. “Some will rail against imagined conspiracies and plot revenge. So, no change, there. But, you know, the thing about rage is that it takes a tremendous amount of energy to maintain. It’s exhausting! While it’s never a good idea to predict what Ronald or his followers will do, it’s possible that a lot of them have had enough of raging against the machine and are ready to embrace normal.”
Will normal ever feel…normal again?
“If you live with something long enough, it can begin to feel…you know…”