by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Justice Writer
We’ve all been there. You get up on the wrong side of the bed (these days, there is no right side of the bed) and you drag your ass (the rest of the body comes along because, really, what choice does it have?) through an unenthusiastic day. You have something important to do, but you just don’t have the energy – it can wait for some other time. Or some other lifetime.
If you’re a teenager trying to get out of doing chores, whether or not you succeed will be determined by the indulgence of your parents. If you’re a government trying to get out of your legal responsibilities, whether or not you succeed will be determined by…money and power.
The administration of Ronald McDruhitmumpf has invoked the Alien Enemies Act of 1798 to deport hundreds of “Venezuelan gang members” it claims are part of a war against the United States. However, there was no official declaration of war. Or, for that matter, a declaration of impeding the travel of horses through city streets, which is also part of the AEA. Congress has not sanctioned the deportations. And it’s an open question whether the deported people were, in fact, members of a book club, let alone a criminal gang.
Other than all of that, what could possibly go wrong?
Kilmar Abrego Garfieldodiecia, that’s what. He was one of 250 immigrants rounded up by Vesampucceri’s Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service and given an all-expenses paid vacation to an El Salvadoran prison. To be sure, the service there is terrible: you’re much more likely to get a tooth on your pillow in the morning than a chocolate, and physical therapy amounts to a 14 hour shift in a sweatshop. But if it’s any consolation, the “food” is worse.
The problem is Garfieldodiecia was not a violent gang member, he was a sheet metal worker and father of three. Making the problem more…problemy was the fact that a 2019 ruling by an immigration judge protected him from deportation due to death threats from an actual gang targeting his family’s business.
Oh, that’s awkward.
The McDruhitmumpf government has admitted that deporting Garfieldodiecia was a mistake, so you would think that they would make every effort to get him back. Yeah, no. When a judge demanded the government bring him back to the US, the government shrugged and said, “Oh, well. Better luck next time.”
Supporters of Garfieldodiecia sued the government to have him returned to the United States; the case eventually landed at the feet of the Extreme Court. The six conservative judges on the court looked at it like a dog that had pissed on their robes. Within three days, they issued a ruling that amounted to, “Too bad. So sad. Enjoy your new life in El Salvador.”
“Mommy and daddy…and a couple of aunts and uncles have spoken,” President McDruhitmumpf grinned. “There will be no homework on this subject ever again!”
“But…but…but innocent!” token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam sputtered.
“Oh, it gets worse than that,” legal scholar Laurence Tribaldrumstillbeats commented. The Extreme Court ruled that nothing could be done for any of the men who had already been deported. “They may not have been gang members – they just could have liked the idea of having a tattoo of a gutted fish on their chest. I have a tattoo of Lady Justice wagging a finger at us, but it’s not a law professor’s place to argue taste.”
A little due prostate may have ensured – no, wait, that’s not the term. Due produce? No, that’s groceries, and President McDruhitmumpf has already ruined that word for at least a generation. Oh, come on! I know this! Due prosecution? Due prosciutto? Due South? Oh, you know: a proper legal hearing before the government acted against them!
“I believe the term you’re searching for is ‘due process,'” Professor Tribaldrumstillbeats suggested.
Yes! Due process! Thank you!
“Yeah, the Extreme Court had some ideas about that, too,” the Professor commented.
In its ruling, the Court said that future deportees could challenge the order…if they had the resources to sue the government. And could find a lawyer. And in a court in a Reduhblican state of the federal government’s choosing, which would likely be hostile to immigrants’ rights.
“It’s almost like the Extreme Court doesn’t want the people the government designates ‘illegal’ to have due process,” Professor Tribaldrumstillbeats noted.
Justice Katanji Browninpanforsix-Jackshithappenson, on behalf of the minority, wrote, “But…but…but innocent!”
“Oh, good,” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam breathed a sigh of relief. “It wasn’t just me.”