by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Court Writer
The video on YoohooTube appears to show blood spurting in a wide arc out of thin air. Since it was uploaded three minutes ago, a rumour has spread throughout the Internet that the video was a promotion for Saw 127, and a not especially clever or convincing one at that.
Metro cops know better: this was a murder, plain and simple. The victim just happened to be invisible.
The dead guy has been identified as Coloranda Larabee, an itinerant genetic modification consultant from Peoria. It seems clear (no pun intended, or, for that matter, appropriate) that the intended victim was standing two feet behind Larabee.
The live guy has been identified from the video as Jack “Jackie Three Pancreases” Fazzulli, a Mexican-American believed to be the 27th in line to head the Armenian-American biker gang known as the Smokin’ Deuces.
Although the shooter melted into the crowd faster than cheese on tuna in a microwave, he is suspected to be a member of the Interpolatin’ Sixes, a rival Austro-Hungarian-American biker gang. The two gangs have been fighting a turf war for several weeks over the sale of bootleg Little Big Planet games.
“I hate it when gang members kill innocent members of the public,” Captain (“Lieutenant!”) Al Bradshaw said in a statement posted to the police department’s Web site five minutes ago. “The Mayor looks like he wants somebody’s head on a platter and the paperwork is murder!”
But, just how innocent was Larabee? At the time of his death, he was wearing a head to toe Smart SuitTM, the clothing line made from nanobots, that he had modified using the Entenmann Algorithm. The Entenmann Algorithm, which has been distributed over the Internet disguised as a cake recipe, programmes the nanobots to take images of what is in front of them and project it on the opposite side of the clothing, effectively making the wearer invisible to those around him.
“The Entenmann Algorithm has been deemed a ‘munition’ by the United States government,” explained Sourcebot2012 (“When you can’t get a human to go on the record, use Sourcebot2012; just give it a human name and finish that story by deadline!”), “along with heavy encryption algorithms and the latest Celine Dion album. Just having it on your computer can cause somebody to disappear – and, not in a way they intended.”
Why would Larabee risk being put on the government’s naughty list? “He was following me,” stated his friend Lashawnda O’Reilly.
Larabee was too shy to properly covertly watch and harass a woman, explained O’Reilly, so she was giving him lessons. He had already mastered the art of leaving lewdicrous messages on FarceBook and was working on his obscene text messaging skills mere hours before he was shot.
“This is where it gets complicated,” Sergeant (“Lieutenant!”) Bradshaw allowed. “Where’s my Gravol!”
Larabee was practicing following O’Reilly without being seen at the time that he was killed. O’Reilly hadn’t known that Larabee had used the Entenmann Algorithm to make himself invisible, but she claimed that she admired his initiative: “Coloranda was always coming up with new variations on old surveillance methods. I loved the way he constant surprised me with his inventiveness!”
“I’m not sure that stalking women is the best use of the Smart SuitTM,” Sourcebot2012…uhh, I mean, Doctor Irving Feinstein, a clinical psychologist with the Mayo on Rye Clinic, stated. “I mean, women could use the Smart SuitTM themselves to evade men with psychotic intentions towards them. In fact – excuse me, but I feel a grant proposal coming on!”
“Oh, no, stalking is such a harsh word. We preferred the term enhanced seduction techniques. Besides, Coloranda wasn’t like that! He was just the sweetest guy you could imagine,” O’Reilly insisted. “It’s a real shame that he died, because I really think he would have found the victim of his dreams, and nobody deserved that kind of happiness more than he did.” When asked why, if she felt that way, she hadn’t become his girlfriend, O’Reilly quickly sniffed and stated with funereal finality, “He wasn’t my type.”
The police investigation continues. Anybody with information is asked to contact Colonel (“Lieutenant! Lieutenant, dammit! Lieutenant! What do I have to do to get you to get my rank right? If you don’t respect the uniform, at least you can respect the man! You know…I didn’t want to become a police officer. It’s true! I wanted to be an exotic dancer! And, I would have, too, but everybody told me I didn’t have the legs for it.”) Bradshaw right away.