Have you ever watched Question Period, the televised proceedings of Parliament? Oh, sure, we’ve all laughed at the way the Members of Parliament look and sound like seals when they bang their desks after a nasty attack on a member of another party.
We’ve all marveled at Brian Mulroney’s chin, and his smooth, if gravelly, “Have I got a deal for you!” manner of speaking. (Remember: always check under the hood.) Most of us have gotten a kick out of our local MP making a particularly cogent point, or, more often, stifling a yawn or staring vacantly into space.
But, have you ever really watched Question Period? Do you really appreciate the depths of boredom which this country’s highest elected body can create for its citizens? We’re talking mega-dull here, folks; we’re talking dull with a capital DUHHHH.
(It has been said that a people get the kind of televised government that it deserves, but this is just so much undeserved cynicism.)
I have pondered this problem at length. How can we get people interested and involved in the democratic process if their only experience of it in their daily lives is dull, tedious and hopelessly boring.
(No, no, there is a difference. This is deserved cynicism.)
Sometimes, late at night, when I’m in that strange, crazy kind of mood that I get at that time, I think I know the answer: get Francis Ford Coppola to direct Question Period. Why not? Coppola hasn’t been doing well, financially; if the money was right, he’d probably jump at the chance.
(Hey – artists deserve such cynicism just…just for being artists.)
Imagine, if you can, Coppola and the producer of the Parliamentary broadcasts sitting in a control booth. The have just sat through eight hours of questions and rhetorical debate on the rights of Nova Scotia fishermen to capture lobster under an agreement with the United States which technically expired over 20 years ago. (I did stipulate that Coppola needed the money…)
“Well, what do you think?” the producer asks.
“Not bad,” Coppola diplomatically replies. “There is conflict here. There is drama…tension…lights. We’re off to a good start. But, I would like to suggest a few changes…”
“That’s what you’re here for. What would you suggest?”
“I’d like you to consider making some cast changes…”
“I’m sorry, but I can’t do that.”
“Why not?”
“The…cast, as you call it, is chosen by the Canadian people!”
“Oh. I see. Funny country you got here. Tell you what: would you at least get some of the younger, more attractive performers to sit up front?”
“I think that would be doable.”
“Good. Now, we’re going to have to do some serious editing, of course. Even so, we’re going to have to add some zest to the production. Some excitement. You know?”
“What are you thinking?”
“When they’re talking about a moratorium on lobster trapping – it’s gripping stuff. Really, it is. But, it would be even more dramatic if there was a little gunplay…maybe an unexpected stabbing…”
“Mr. Coppola!”
“In the beginning – just to set up some tension.”
“Absolutely not! These are our country’s highest officials!”
“Didn’t you see Washington: Behind Closed Doors? Or, that mini-series on George Washington?”
“That’s not the point.”
“I see. What you’re looking for is an intimate little TV show with lots of issues and emotions, but no action…”
“That’s more like it. Yes.”
“Maybe you’ve chosen the wrong director…”
“I don’t think so. Did you give up on The Godfather? No. Did you quit in the middle of shooting Apocalypse Now? Of course not. And, nobody would have blamed you for walking away from that shoot – hell, Spielberg wouldn’t have stayed in the jungle to finish that movie! Compared to that, Question Period should be a piece of cake for you!”
“Oh, well…”
“Besides, we don’t have a very big budget.”
“Alright. Could we at least get some moodier lighting?”
“It could be arranged.”
“And a brighter set? We need something people will be willing to look at hour after hour, night after night for the rest of their lives…”
“That might be difficult, but I’ll see what I can do.”
“Good…good. I feel like we’ve made real progress here, although it may take several years before we get this Question Period thing done right. In the meantime, be sure to look into the stabbing, will you?”
“I’ll do my best.”
(Know what? You’re right. This is too cynical, even for me. Let’s forget I ever brought it up.)