Good evening.
Our top story tonight: according to a front page article in The Globe and Mail, Prime Minister Jean Chretien said Canada would not agree to fight a war in Iraq without United Nations approval. According to The Toronto Star, Chretien said Canada might go to war without UN approval. To determine who was right, Deadline News has received the following transcript of the press conference: “[mumble mumble mumble] Iraq [mumble mumble mumble] United Nations [mumble cough mumble] United States war [mumble mumble mumble] whop bop a loo bop a whop bam boom!” Hard to tell if this proves either newspaper’s claim, but I suspect it’s a sentiment a majority of Canadians could get behind.
For those of you who are visually impaired, I am taking off my jacket and insouciantly throwing it across the roo – oh! Sorry about that…you know, if you put a steak on that, the swelling should go down in a couple of days…
In other news, in his State of the Union address, American President George Junior compared Saddam Hussein to Adolf Hitler. In response, former Hitler Manuel Noriega sniffed, “That petty tyrant a Hitler? Please! He hasn’t invaded another country in over a decade, even if he dreams of world domination – and, who doesn’t? – he has no military or decently destructive weapons and he isn’t even trying to kill ethnic minorities in his country any more. I mean, really! These days, they’ll call anybody they don’t like Hitler!” Noriega suggested the US institute a “Hitler Index.” Noriega could be seven tenths of a Hitler while Hussein might be three quarters of a Hitler. “No way!” Noriega shouted. “I’m more of a Hitler than he’ll ever be!”
George Junior also claimed Saddam Hussein “asked for more time so he can give the so-called inspectors more runaround.” Nice words coming from a so-called President.
New for the holidays: the Hans Blix action figure. Pull the string, and it says, “We’re getting acceptable levels of cooperation.” But, whisper the magic words, “The United States wants a war,” into its ear, and suddenly it changes its tune to: “Nope. He’s not cooperating.” In a box somewhere in Guantanamo Bay, the little voice that used to be in my head must be feeling pretty satisfied – assuming it’s allowed to get current news.
For those tuning in to tonight’s broadcast on Air Force Radio, I’m – aagh – trying to take off my – urk! – tie…my wife usually ties it for me, and – ack! – can I get a pair of scissors, here? Isn’t there a pair of – thank you. Thank you. The tie is now gone.
Jack Layton handily won the leadership of the New Democratic Party, but odds are 5-12 you care more about the fact you lost money on the Super Bowl the next day, so forget I mentioned it. (Odds are 1-50 you already have.)
Canada’s Privacy Commissioner George Radwanski warns that citizens rights have been increasingly under attack since 9/11. However, a quick scan of his medical records shows that he has several conditions which will ensure that he doesn’t live out his term. In fact, the listing of fast food restaurants on his credit history indicates that he is in imminent danger of having a heart attack. When he’s gone, expect the government to appoint somebody with a sunnier disposition.
For those of you who are ironing the laundry while watching the news, I’m slowly unbuttoning my shirt, revealing a manly undershirt beneath. Though I would be the first to admit that I’m no Stanley Kowalski, Fruit of the Loom has paid to have its undershirt placed on my chest. That sound you’re hearing is Paddy Chayefsky spinning madly in his grave.
A report from the Department of Foreign Affairs and International Trade has suggested that Canada should integrate its energy supply into a continental market. Critics suggest that this would give the United States a say in Canadian energy policy. Hasn’t DFAIT heard that the story that beavers gnaw off their own testicles and hand them to their enemies isn’t true?
For those of you who are turning away out of squeamishness, I am, indeed, taking off my undershirt, revealing a manly chest full of – no, don’t turn back to look. You’ll spoil – alright, alright. I have a sparse growth of white hairs on my quickly sinking chest. You don’t have to look, now. Satisfied?
President George Junior declared January 19 National Sanctity of Human Life Day, urging every American to “reaffirm our commitment to respecting the life and dignity of every human being.” * Funny that he wasn’t making any such declarations when he was installing a revolving door in Texas’ gas chamber…
And, speaking of killing in the name of the sanctity of life, four of the seven declared candidates for the Democratic Party’s Presidential nomination came out against former Illinois Governor George Ryan’s commuting of the death penalty for all 167 death row inmates in his state. Although the application of the death penalty appears to be racist and there have been several recent example of innocent people going to death row, the Democrats don’t want to be Dukakised (accused of being soft on crime). Sounds like Dukaka to me. Does saying so make me a Dukakommie? Maybe the Democrats should stop Dukasskissing the worst elements of the Republican Party.
For those of you who are on hallucinogenic substances, you are seeing correctly. I am taking off my shoes on national television. Get used to it.
President George Junior says his government will challenge the University of Michigan’s affirmative action policy. “Writing it down. That was our mistake,” a representative of the University’s Board of Governors commented. “We should have watched Gentlemen’s Agreement before we decided on how to get more black and Latin students to attend the university.” Somewhere, Trent Lott is laughing his ass off, which is fine by the Republicans as long as he doesn’t do it in public.
Incredible Disappearing Vice President Dick Cheney has not been heard from for at least 37 days, now. Until his role in the Enron and Haliburton scandals is revealed, the government won’t know whether to put him on the sides of milk cartons or on the 10 most wanted list.
Yes, yes, I know I’m wearing socks with pink bunnies on them. I’ve been meaning to get plain – unpatterned socks – but dealing with impending war has been my first priority. There – gone! I trust we shall speak no more of this.
In local news: documents relating to a recent deal with a private consortium to renovate Toronto’s Union Station have been shredded. A painstaking reconstruction of the pieces of paper undertaken by experts on behalf of Deadline News yielded the following: “…garble garble…fldshpunk…Lastma…wooowooowooks…credible creti…make out like bandits…shkwwwaaark!” The meaning couldn’t be clearer.
In business news: DaimlerChrysler is asking for $300 million in federal and provincial aid in order to put a new automobile assembly plant in Windsor, Ontario. Company representative Guido “Malletfists” Capone said, “Dis beats shakin’ down corner grocers fer pennies!”
I’m now going to take off my…uhh…watch! Phew! There you go. My watch, ladies and gentlemen. Gone.
And now, a Deadline News editorial: advertisements in the United States are claiming that using drugs supports terrorism. Actually, the Taliban outlawed the heroin trade, which picked up again after they were driven from Afghanistan. It might be closer to the truth to claim that drug use supports American-imposed ersatz democracies. But, let us not be bogged down by facts. Does anybody really believe a junkie is going to say to himself, “I’ve been injecting crack into my eyeballs for years, but it’s paying for suicide bombers, so I’m going into rehab as soon as my stash runs out!” How do you think he’s even going to see the ads? Dude probably hocked the TV set years ago to pay for his habit!
Well, that’s my opinion, anyway.
And, finally…okay. I remove my underpants. Here I stand, a late middle aged man with liver spots and the beginnings of varicose veins, a growing paunch and a spreading bald spot and a shriveled penis. Who was the moron who thought this was going to boost ratings?
Good night.
* Except Palestinians, Iraqi civilians, Afghani civilians or anybody else who foolishly gets in the way of our lust for oil.