1) Do you stage photos?
2) That’s terrible!
3) Is there anything you won’t do to get a photograph?
4) Why not?
5) Will you take my picture?
6) Will you touch my monkey?
7) Why don’t you sell prints?
8) Are you okay?
9) Yeah, maybe, but the question I asked was: why don’t you sell prints of your cartoons?
10) Have you done any nude photographs?
11) No, I meant have you taken any nude photographs?
12) No, I meant have you taken photographs of other people who were nude?
13) Are you going to feature any of the photos you took on your trip to New York in the cartoon?
14) All of it, I guess. What does it mean?
15) So, will you use any of the photos you took on your trip to New York in the cartoon or not?
16) In your cartoons, you’ve referenced Rene Magritte and Edvard Munch, but not Salvador Dali. What have you got against Salvador Dali?
17) Why don’t you use wax?
18) No, I meant for your moustache. Why don’t you use wax for your moustache?
19) Stop evading my questions! Why don’t you use wax for your moustache?
20) You think you’re hot? Isn’t that kind of egotistical of you?
21) Where do you see your My Toronto cartoons in relationship to your body of work as a whole.
22) You recently made a joke about being “mooned by a Lepidoptera.” Aren’t you worried about being called on this by people who know better?
I don’t stage photos so much as create the circumstances in which interesting photo opportunities may arise. For instance – this is kind of amusing – I told one of my best friends that his girlfriend was cheating on him. I expected the throwing around of objects or some other form of physical violence. Imagine the pictures! Unfortunately, they just quietly broke up.
I know – I wasted a week and a half and didn’t get a useable shot!
3) Is there anything you won’t do to get a photograph?
I won’t guest host on Late Night with David Letterman.
I prefer The Daily Show.
Will you replace your head with a pineapple?
No. Old Saturday Night Live catchphrases carry diseases.
Are you insane? When the world turns to biometric security measures, anybody who has my prints will be able to access my bank account, my medical records, maybe even my supply of obscure alternative comics from the sixties. Haven’t you heard of identity theft? I’m not going to have an identity fire sale! For god’s sake, I deserve a little privacy! I mean, OH MY GOD, GET YOUR STINKING PAWS OFF ME YOU DAMN DIRTY APES – SOYLENT GREEN IS PEOPLE! SOYLENT…GREEN…IS…PEOPLE!
Don’t you know we live in a surveillance society? If you aren’t paranoid, you just aren’t paying attention to who is paying attention to you.
9) Yeah, maybe, but the question I asked was: why don’t you sell prints of your cartoons?
Oh. Uhh. I don’t like to get ink on my fingers.
10) Have you done any nude photographs?
Yes, but they weren’t a good idea: the technicians at Black’s fainted when they saw the images of my body.
11) No, I meant have you taken any nude photographs?
Of course. When I heard that the women who work at Black’s were laughing at my nude photographs, I took them back as quickly as I could.
12) No, I meant have you taken photographs of other people who were nude?
No. That would be naughty.
13) Are you going to feature any of the photos you took on your trip to New York in the cartoon?
What part of Toronto do you not understand?
14) All of it, I guess. What does it mean?
Toronto is a native word for “place of men with big heads and small testicles.” You can imagine how amused the natives were when it grew into the largest city in the country. After they got over the whole small pox in the blankets thing, I mean.
15) So, will you use any of the photos you took on your trip to New York in the cartoon or not?
Sure. Just as soon as Toronto expands across the border and incorporates New York. And, boy, won’t that make the debate about extending the University subway to York seem silly!
16) In your cartoons, you’ve referenced Rene Magritte and Edvard Munch, but not Salvador Dali. What have you got against Salvador Dali?
He had a better moustache than I do.
My bikini line is just fine, thanks.
18) No, I meant for your moustache. Why don’t you use wax for your moustache?
You sound awfully confused. Maybe you should have a little lie down before you ask the next question.
19) Stop evading my questions! Why don’t you use wax for your moustache?
Because I’m so hot, my moustache would melt.
20) You think you’re hot? Isn’t that kind of egotistical of you?
Hey! – I got all the naked pictures of me back from Blacks. Prove me wrong.
21) Where do you see your My Toronto cartoons in relationship to your body of work as a whole.
On the left. Near my pancreas.
22) You recently made a joke about being “mooned by a Lepidoptera.” Aren’t you worried about being called on this by people who know better?
You know, as Aristotle used to say, “It’s better to write a believable untruth than an unbelievable truth, believe you me, because you can fool all of the people some of the time, and you can fool some of the people all of the time, but, fool me once, shame on…shame on…won’t get fooled again.” This is why he wasn’t invited to many toga parties. As for the occasional Lepidoptera joke, I’m not worried; people who know better generally don’t read my Web page.