by ALEXANDER BIGGS-TUFTS-MANN, Alternate Reality News Service Sports Writer
The Interdimensional Olympic Committee is reconsidering allowing VGA (not a precious euphemism for an intimate part of a woman’s anatomy) to be a competition sport after the third judge was hit by an arrow during a qualifying heat.
“It went through his right wrist,” said Olympic Committee Chair Fantomas Tobrucken, “and everybody knows that that’s a judge’s Yer Outta There! wrist! This could be the end of Pally’s career!”
Variable Gravity Archery (or, VGA – not a listing for Vegas Yoga Hatblockers, Inc. on any known stock exchange) takes place on a field lined with random gravity manipulators. In order for archers to gauge the gravitational pull on any portion of the field through which their arrow might fly, objects from a feather to a bowling ball are randomly dropped from a dirigible hovering over the field.
“VGA – which is not a chain of grocery stores – is just like normal archery,” stated two-time Olympic iridium medallist Vermicelli Faneuf (his wife plans to divorce him at the end of duck hunting season – he, uhh, may not be aware of this – shh), “except for the falling feathers and bowling balls and oxygen tanks and bicycle tires and Marine Corps uniforms and prosthetic earlobes and…”
Sometimes, an arrow’s path to the target will be changed by an unexpected shift in gravity. Most often, though, the danger inherent in the sport becomes manifest because of a poorly timed shot that ricochets between falling objects.
“When that happens, it’s just like a pinball machine,” Faneuf stated, “except for the falling feathers and bowling balls and snow globes and breadboxes bigger than a breadbox and right-handed lemurs and empty ketchup packets from fast food restaurants (except MacDonald’s) and rolled up Tom Cruise posters and neon zeds and statues of the Buddha smaller than the aforementioned breadboxes and…”
Given the dangers of VGA (not a French-language television network in Quebec), why wouldn’t the Olympic Committee take steps to protect its judges? If they have to sit on the field –
“They have to sit on the field,” Tobrucken interjected. “It’s a thing with us. Don’t ask.”
– alright, then, why not have them sit behind a plexiglass shield for protection?
“Yeah,” Edgar “Philly” Vanilli, the most recently injured judge, asked from the hospital jai alai court where he was recovering. “How come we weren’t protected by plexiglass or nothing?”
Tobrucken explained that any plastic barrier would interfere with the judge’s ability to accurately do their job. “Judges of swimming events don’t work underwater,” he said. “For one thing, they’d drown. Drowned judges are, at best, erratic scorers.”
Fair enough. Still, why don’t they put judges behind a heavy gravity field that would stop the forward momentum of any object approaching them, whether an arrow or a divorce attorney?
“Yeah,” Pauly agreed, “why don’t they…uhh…what he said?”
“A heavy gravity field next to the random gravity generator would cause havoc with the gravity fields it generated,” Tobrucken argued. When we pointed out that it wouldn’t make much difference since the gravity fields were random anyway, Tobrucken looked blankly at us for a couple of seconds and said, “But, my random gravity generators go to 11.”
Surely, a compromise could be found short of dropping the sport from Olympic competition, we insisted. Tobrucken reluctantly told me that something had to be done because judges of other sports were getting anxious about how dangerous they perceived VGA (not what you are thinking, you naughty, naughty reader!) to be.
“I’ve had judges for the nuclear-tipped caber tossing event tell me that they might have to resign if this issue isn’t resolved,” Tobrucken told me. “And, they judge from a nuclear bunker on another continent!”
How do Olympics fans feel about the possibility that the VGA (not code for an airport in the state of tobacco lovers) will be dropped from its official roster? “I’m more of a 100 Metre Lions Den Dash fan myself,” said Gregory Hurtwist. “I’ll live.” Melanie Frackle, on the other hand, said, “I live for the event! If it doesn’t happen next year, I’ll dash to kill myself!”
So, you could say that reaction was mixed to the point of balance. How journalistic.
“…small yield nuclear missiles and computer keyboards missing the letter “a” and a bowl of mushy spaghetti,” Faneuf concluded.
“…charcoal briquettes and newspaper clippings about the Korean war and a box of tissues and a baby’s arm holding an apple,” Faneuf concluded a second time. Who knew Olympic athletes could be so articulate?