by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Social Media Writer
At 2:37 in the morning, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf tweeped…nothing. A grateful nation continued to sleep, but if its rest was more peaceful, its dreams less anxiety-ridden, the drool on its pillow less…wet, that may well have been the reason why.
It wasn’t because he didn’t want to. The bees that buzzed in his skull were transmitting messages about standing back and standing by and standing on your own two feet and standing by your man and being upstanding in a court of law and standing orders and standing your ground and standing at attention (while holding a baby’s arm holding an apple) to his cerebral cortex. His cerebral cortex responded with a hearty, “I gotta share this with the world!”
Only, he couldn’t. Because Twitherd, the favourite social network of bees in disturbed brains around the world, had suspended his account for 24 hours, a suspension that would later be made permanent.
In explaining the decision, Twitherd posted a message to its blog (because it was obviously too important to be limited to 239 characters), which read, in part: “This motherferking bastard is insane! Totally batshit bonkers nutzoid! We are not going to allow him to continue to undermine our precious democracy and sow violent discord on our platform! We do not want blood on our profit/loss statements – thanks to the pandemic, there’s already enough red on the bottom line!”
I may have read between the lines (whatever colour they may have been) of the actual message a bit, there. But, what the message lacked in urgency, it more than made up for in punctuation.
“They can object all they want, but that red on Twitherd’s bottom line looks a lot like blood to me,” commented Senator Richard Blumenthalated. “Where was Twitherd when the President tweeped about taking back states? Out in the parking lot having a smoke. Where was Twitherd when the President personally attacked Dumbopratic legislators like Governor Gretchen Whitmerdelalune? Bailing its kid out of detention for having a smoke behind the high school gym. Where was Twitherd when the President repeatedly lied about winning the 2020 election? At the local deli having a smoked meat sandwich. This makes too little too late seem like Roaring Twenties excess!”
Senator Blumenthalated added that Twitherd waited until the President had less than two weeks in his term, a time when many Reduhblicans had begun speaking out against him. “It’s like Daniel waiting until the lion was old and feeble before going into the den to take the thorn out of his paw. Not exactly a profile in courage. More like a back of the head shot in courage, really.”
“What about the President’s right to free speech?” argued Foxindehenhaus anchor Lou Dobbsermanpincher. He’s not a lawyer, you know. “This goes beyond cancel culture – this is an example of cancel, burn all of the tapes, erase all of the recordings and delete the show’s entry in the Imaginary Movie Database culture. That’s gotta be unconstitutional! It’s gotta be!”
“That’s a spurious argument,” retorted MSNBC host Ari Melbertoastenjamm. He is a lawyer, you know. “And, when I say that, I don’t mean it wears chaps and competes in rodeos. I mean, it has nothing to do with the case. The Constitution says that government shall not abridge the right to free speech. Government. Now, Twitherd is larger than 37 governments around the world, but, last time I checked, it didn’t have legislative capabilities or a standing army. Or, a sitting army, for that matter. Or, any kind of military presence, really. It is a business. Booting the President off the social media platform was a business decision. Freedom of speech is not the issue. As Piddley Diddley once sang, ‘You don’t like the dress the press bought you?/Sorry, but you have to dance with the gunboat that brought you!'”
It may all have been for naught. The President still has right-wing social media platforms like 4charliechan and ParlerGames to disseminate his message to his followers.
In addition, at 2:37 in the morning, President McDruhitmumpf aide Stephen Siewnottmillertyme tweeped: “January 6 was just the beginning!!! we’ll take back our democracy one speaker’s lectern at a time!!! Next stop: January 20! It’ll be a blast!!! This is not the President speaking, just a normal Grey House staffer!!!!! #littledeucecoup”
They say information wants to be free. What they don’t say is that disinformation wants to club information over the head, dump the body in a dark alley and take its place.