“If anybody asks – which they won’t, but just in case they do – you asked us to send our troops to Toronto, Montreal, Vancouver and the high north.”
“But, we didn’t ask for your troops.”
“I know. Just say you did.”
“But, we didn’t.”
“I know. But, say you did.”
“You want me to lie.”
“What are you, a freakin’ boy scout? Oh, right. For a second, I forgot who I was talking to. Look, it’s just a thing -“
“A thing?”
“A game we play. With the press. We send troops into your country. You say you asked us to send them. Everybody’s name’s spelled right in the newspapers.”
“You want me to say we invited your troops into the country.”
“That’s what I’ve been telling you. Yes.”
“Like Vietnam ‘invited’ your troops into the country.”
“Yes…NO! That’s ancient history. No lessons there.”
“These American troops – they’ll be under our command. Right?”
“Right.”
“Okay, then.”
“The American troops will be under our command.”
“No. Our command.”
“That’s what I said: our command.”
“Canadian command?”
“American troops under Canadian command? Are you nuts? I wouldn’t trust a Canadian to run a toaster oven! … With all due respect…”
“The agreement specifically states that American troops will be under Canadian command.”
“Are you familiar with the phrase: ‘Facts on the ground?'”
“So, the American military will always control American troops?”
“It couldn’t possibly be any other way. We got laws in our country, you know. Still, if anybody asks – which they won’t, but just in case they do – you’re directing our troops.”
“We’re directing troops under your command?”
“I wouldn’t mention that last bit about our control.”
“So, you want me to lie.”
“Not at all.”
“You want me to tell people that American troops on Canadian soil are being directed by the Canadian military even though you have no intention of ceding any control to us. How is that not a lie?”
“Because the agreement says that you will be in control of troops while they are on Canadian soil.”
“What about the facts on the ground?”
“I don’t think you understand what I’m trying to do, here.”
“You’re trying to accomplish by treaty what you couldn’t accomplish through force in 1812.”
“Again with the history! Can you please – please! – try to live in the here and now?”
“Sorry.”
“We’re trying to protect your sorry asses in case of a terrorist attack!”
“But, we’re already members of NATO.”
“So?”
“So, the NATO charter says that member states shall come to the defense of other member states if they are attacked. You’re already obligated to help us if we are attacked by terrorists. Why do we need an additional treaty?”
“Look, it’s not like it’s a one way deal. If we’re attacked, we can ask you to send Canadian troops into the United States.”
“Would you do that?”
“Do what?”
“Ask for Canada to send troops into the United States.”
“Ha ha ha ha ha – good one. Ha ha ha – uhh, you’re serious, aren’t you?”
“Well, yeah.”
“No offence, but we’re the mightiest country the world has ever seen. I think we can take of ourselves.”
“Okay. … So, how do we get American troops to leave Canada?”
“Well, you’re in complete command, so when you tell them to go, they’ll go.”
“But, we’re not in command.”
“But, that’s what you’re telling everybody. Remember?”
“Okay, but that doesn’t answer my question. When will the American troops leave the country?”
“When the crisis has passed.”
“But, your President has said that the war on terrorism could go on for decades. Can we expect American troops to stay in Canada that long?”
“If that’s what your government decides.”
“And, if we decide we want your troops out before then, they’ll go?”
“What part of this agreement am I not explaining to you properly?”
“I don’t know…”
“Aww, you worry too much. After all, this agreement is for your benefit…”