“Okay, Steven, do you know what this is?”
“Umm…”
“Why are you trying to eat it?”
“I will be at a barbecue, right?”
“Ye-es…”
“And, this is a pig, right?”
“Close. A pig skin. But, you don’t eat it.”
“You don’t?”
“It’s a football, Steven. You know, what you play the game of football with?”
“Oh. Okay. So, how should I kick it?”
“What?”
“Should I drop it down to my foot, or should I lay it on the ground and -“
“Actually, the game is mostly made up of throwing and catching.”
“Oh.”
“O-kay, this could be a little tougher than I thought. Look, Stevie-boy -“
“The name’s Stephen.”
“Like I said -“
“No, you didn’t. My name is not Stevie-boy, Steve-o or Steverino. It’s Stephen. And, I would appreciate it if you would call me by my proper name.”
“Okay, Steve…n, this is -“
“Stephen.”
“That’s what I said. Steven.”
“Stephen with a ‘p’ and an ‘h,’ not Steven with a ‘v.'”
“Are you serious?”
“I’m sensitive.”
“Okay, look, this is exactly the problem I’m here to deal with. The Liberals were in freefall because of the Gomery revelations – you should be kicking their asses -“
“Behinds.”
“Stop being so damn anal!”
“Wait, are you…are you talking about my behind now?”
“Sigh. Yes. This is very much about your behind. Your behind is plummeting in the polls. You come across as stiff, scowling and, well, not much fun to be around. Your behind is soon going to be out of politics altogether if you don’t do something. And, whether you like it or not, I’m the something you have to do. So, let’s try and work together and see if we can salvage your behind, okay?”
“I don’t think I like your attitude.”
“I can live with that. Now, let’s see you throw the ball.”
“The football.”
“You can throw, can’t you – oof. Okay. You can throw. Nicely done. Now, if I may make a suggestion…lose the jacket.”
“Take it off?”
“Yes.”
“That wouldn’t be…dignified.”
“You want undignified? Throwing a football in a three piece suit. Very undignified. I mean, have you ever seen a photo of a man in a three piece suit throwing a football?”
“No.”
“Exactly.”
“I’ve never seen a photo of a man throwing a football.”
“You…are going to be difficult, aren’t you?”
“Sorry.”
“Okay, then, I want you to loosen the tie -“
“Lose the tie? Are you serious? Ties are a sign of civilization – one of the only things that separates us from the animals!”
“I said loosen. Loosen. Make less tight?”
“Oh. Right.”
“I was warned there was no way I was going to win the lose the tie argument.”
“Ties are a -“
“I know, I know. Civilization, animal separation. I heard you the first time. Okay. Take the ball back. Now, I would like you to smile the next time you throw it.”
“Smile?”
“You know – pull back the lips from the gums in a facial gesture that’s like a grimace but indicates friendliness rather than animosity?”
“Yes, I know what a smile is.”
“You’ve probably seen them on TV.”
“I do smile, you know.”
“Then you can smile when you throw the football.”
“Why would I?”
“Why?”
“Yes. Usually, one needs a reason to smile.”
“Because you want to become Prime Minister?”
“And, smiling while throwing a football will make me become Prime Minister?”
“It will help. It’s known as the common touch – it will show Canadians that you get pleasure out of the same things that they get pleasure out of. Can you try it ple – oof. Okay. Good attempt. Not exactly a grimace. Not quite a smile either, though. Actually, it looked like somebody shoved a pickle up your ass.”
“Behind.”
“Semantics. Okay, I want you to throw the football again. This time, just before you throw it, I want you to think of something that would make you very, very happy.”
“Paul Martin in stocks.”
“I don’t need to know what the thing is. Now, remember: coordination is very important – don’t wait until after you’ve thrown the football to think your happy thought and smile, or you’ll look like a poorly programmed android. Do you want to – oof! Okay. Good. You take direction very we -“
“Do we really have to do this?”
“Uhh, what do you mean?”
“Getting elected shouldn’t be about personal image. It should be about policy. Can’t I run my next campaign stressing the Conservative Party’s policies?”
“Uhh, yeah, about that…”