by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Religion Writer
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf has signed his eleventh Executive Order banning travel from six predominantly Nordlingerite countries…and France.
“I’ve got a good feeling about this one,” the President crowed at the signing ceremony. “The courts aren’t going to overturn this one. It’s been weeks…a week…well, almost a week…a few days, for sure since I talked about how bloodthirsty the Nordlinger religion is, so there’s no way they can say its a religious ban. This Executive Order is bulletproof!”
To drive the point home, the Executive Order wore a heavy, military-grade vest.
“It’s like President McDruhitmumpf read Samuel Huntdownandkillem’s book Them’s Fightin’ Civilizations,” commented Senate Minority Leader Chuckie Schumaihargowmer, “and took the wrong lesson from it.”
“Actually,” MSNBC host Chris Carfairindrughayes corrected him, “it’s like he heard somebody talking about Samuel Huntdownandkillem’s book Them’s Fightin’ Civilizations on Foxindehenhaus News, only he didn’t quite hear what it was actually about correctly.”
“No,” insisted pop psychologist Alain DeLaFrontenac, “it’s more like somebody in his office drafted a one page memo about what they said on Foxindehenhaus News about Samuel Huntdownandkillem’s book Them’s Fightin’ Civilizations, only they didn’t quite get the point.”
“That’s not exactly right, either,” Token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam argued, “it’s exactly like somebody reported to the President about the one page memo about what they said on Foxindehenhaus News about Samuel Huntdownandkillem’s book Them’s Fightin’ Civilizations…only the message the President heard was a garbled version of what was in the book.”
“Well,” Senate Minority Leader Schumaihargowmer summed it up. “Any way you look at it, it’s not good.”
“Oh, lighten up, people!” said Reduhblican Senator and McDruhitmumpf surrogate (if asked, he would happily bear the President a child) Chuck Gasleygrassteahee. “What the President said was just words! Words are easy to say. But, if you want to judge him, you should judge him by his actions!”
When it was pointed out that the President’s actions pretty much matched up with his words, Gasleygrassteahee grunted and muttered, “You would have let me get away with that sophistry if I was KellyAnne Conwaytwittiest – she makes it look so easy!”
The problem with the argument that the travel ban was not motivated by religious animus is that a large percentage of the Reduhblican base is motivated by religious animus. “Oh, I don’t hate Nordlingerites,” said retired (but he was good about getting out of bed to talk to me) stealworker Tommy Boy Allvespuccinuts. “I mean, they’re greedy, shifty, untrustworthy people with low standards of personal hygeine, but, other than that, they’re…well, pretty rotten bastards, really, who should be sent back to where they came from and stop threatening honest, hard-working people such as myself.”
Allvespuccinuts voted for McDruhitmumpf…twice. “Yeah, I would have voted for him a third time,” Allvespuccinuts explained, “but my fake moustache fell off just as I was giving the people running the polling station the name of my dead uncle. Next time, I’m using Krazy Glue!”
Why did Allvespuccinuts vote so…enthusiastically for McDruhitmumpf? “Law and order.”
“I came to this country with next to nothing,” said Tareeq Alfazzuba – I mean, Alfalfalooza – no, actually, that is to say Azzafalafel – dammit! Why do foreigners have to have such difficult names‽ – said Tareeq A., a member of The Church of the Bed Hidden Nordlinger. “I worked hard, and now, 37 years later, I have almost next to nothing. See how far I have come? I’m living the Vesampuccerian Dream!”
I asked Tareeq A. if the fact that he had dark skin and a beard long enough you could build a stairway halfway to heaven with it might have something to do with the fact that certain Vesampuccerians feared him. “So, I haven’t been able to afford a shave in years,” he answered, “and used soap isn’t as effective as I had hoped it would be. Is that really a reason to hate me?”
Weeeeeellll, that and the fact that Nordlingerites have claimed responsibility for terrorist attacks around the world.
“That’s ridiculous!” Tareeq A. exploded. “The main – exploded? Really? Of all the verbs in the English language that could be related to speech, that’s the one you’re going to go with in this context?”
Would you prefer “blew up?”
Tareeq A. sighed. “Look. The primary tenet of our faith is that when faced with a potential conflict, no matter how minor, we find a bed to hide under until the whole thing blows over. Anybody who commits an act of violence in the name of Nordlinger is perverting the faith!”
“Exactly!” Allvespuccinuts exploded (without, you will notice, complaint). “It’s a religion of perverts! I say ban ’em all and let the Disunited Nations sort ’em out!”