SPECIAL TO THE ALTERNATE REALITY NEWS SERVICE
As someday it may happen that an enemy must be found,
I’ve got a little list. I’ve got a little list.
Of Deep State foes of MVGA, who have run the country aground
And who never would be missed. No, they never would be missed.
There’s AG Katiebarrthudor with his beady eyes!
John Brennanuziangunn, who was king of all the spies!
Cassidy Hutchindaughterson, so foolish in her youth!
Fiona Hillandalandglenn who dared to tell the truth!
And Sorobororos, the boogie man philanthropist!
His money won’t be missed. No his money won’t be missed.
[Kash has got them on the list! He’s got them on the list!
And none of ’em will be missed! No, not one will be missed!]
There’s Joe Bidenhisbeeswax, who remains at large –
I’ve got him on the list! I’ve got him on the list!
Merrick Garlandownership who had the gall to Ronald charge!
He’s made it on the list! He’s made it on the list
Hillary Roocartoncleveman who challenged Ronald to debate!
Or Kamala Harristweedfashin, who Ronald came to hate!
And any of the many baby-killing feminists.
They never would be missed! No, not one would be missed!
[Kash has got them on the list! He’s got them on the list!
And none of ’em will be missed! No, not one will be missed!]
Hey, yeah, Kash Patternovlibhell interrupting, here. I know singing this song is fun and everything, and yeah, sure, this is the kind of fun that I really hate to spoil, but former President Joe Bidenhisbeeswax really is still at large. And that’s no joke – his existence could galvanize some resistance to the reign of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, and we can’t have that. Elon Threelonemuskateers has put up a million dollar reward for information leading to his capture and arrest and the Federal Bureau of Instigations – I’m the head of the Federal Bureau of Instigations now, so nobody would know better than I do – has set up a hotline for tips on the former president’s whereabouts. So, if you have any information on where the former President could be and need the extra money – and who couldn’t use a little extra money nowadays? – call 1-800-ISNITCH. That’s 1-800-ISNITCH. For those of you scrambling to get something to write with, I will repeat that number one more time: 1-800-ISNITCH. You’ll be doing – oh, for crying out loud, Gran! Your damn pencil is right behind your ear where you left it thirty seconds ago! Take it – yes, that’s right, take it out and write down 1-800 – 800! Eight-zero-zero! Like how old you are! 800! – unggh! You know what? Never mind! I’ll write down the number myself and courier it to you after I finish recording this announcement! (pause) So, umm, yeah. 1-800-ISNITCH. You’ll be doing your country a big favour if you could help us catch this dangerous fugitive. In the meantime, let’s get back to the song, okay? I said start singing the damn song!
There’s Andrew McCabendmiller, that traitorous evil rat!
John Knottboltedonweill who pulled facts out of his hat!
Pat Cipollonewolfie who gave Ronald bad advice!
Olivia Troyelesscressid who turned out not to be so nice!
And the radical antisemite antifa anarchist!
He never will be missed! No, he never will be missed!
[Kash has got them on the list! He’s got them on the list!
And none of ’em will be missed! No, not one will be missed!]
Or Miles Taylormadeforvice, a man you didn’t know!
I’ve put him on the list! Believe I put him on the list!
Alexander Vindaloolooman, whose trial won’t be for show!
He’s made it to the list! He’s made it to the list!
Robert Meullitallover, investigating for no reason!
General Mark Milleywilleynill, who committed treason!
And the ultimate traitor: the fake news journalist!
They never will be missed! No, they never will be missed!
[Kash has got them on the list! He’s got them on the list!
And none of ’em will be missed! No, not one will be missed!]
Excerpted from The Kash Patternovlibhell Book of Festive Outraged Songs. Song reprinted without permission of the author because, as Patternovlibhell himself likes to say, “I would rather beg forgiveness than ask permi – what am I talking about‽ I don’t need your [FORNICATING] permission – I want your complete compliance! I – wait, what, exactly, did you say about getting my permission?”