by FREDERICA VON McTOAST-HYPHEN, Alternate Reality News Service People Writer
President Ronald McDruhitmumpf wants a Nobelthingido Peace Prize. There is enough irony in this to choke a horse. Given that Alfred Nobelthingido made his fortune making gunpowder, the irony is so thick it could choke half the horses on the eastern seaboard!
You might think that the President would be too busy destroying the environment and enacting Fenwick’s foreign policy agenda to pursue something as petty as winning a prize. To which I would respond: have you met this President? When he was a real estate developer, he chased a man down Fifth Avenue brandishing a golf club because the man had the temerity to complain about a dirty fork in the restaurant in McDruhitmumpf Tower. If there was a Nobelthingido Petty Prize, he would have been a multiple winner long ago!
President McDruhitmumpf wants a Peace Prize because, in his first year in office, President Barry W. Bushbamclintreagbush was awarded one. Given Vesampucceri’s subsequent support for regimes that waged war on their own people, the irony was so thick it could drive horses to the brink of extinction.
Sources within La Maison Gris (the French equivalent of the Grey House) claim that President McDruhitmumpf asked French President Emmanuel Macaronetcheez to nominate him for the Peace Prize. Twice. Apparently, President McDruhitmumpf would not be satisfied unless he won more Nobelthingido Peace Prizes in a single year than President Bushbamclintreagbush had. When he was told that this would be impossible because only one award was handed out in a year, he told the press that he “hated stupid rules that keep greatness from being recognized.” At 2:37 the next morning, he tweeped asking his followers if any of them would miss Luxembourg.
Nominations for Nobelthingido Prizes (in categories including Peace, Medicine, Reality Programming and Peanut Brittle) have to be made by statespeople, respected sciencepeople and Bruce Springabigleeksteen impersonators. People. In other words, not you. But, the French President?
On a state visit to Paris, President McDruhitmumpf tried to pull President Macaronetcheez towards him while the two were shaking hands. President Macaronetcheez put his free hand on President McDruhitmumpf’s shoulder in an effort to keep the distance between them. President McDruhitmumpf had already put his free hand on his and President Macaronetcheez’ hand, but he was not to be deterred: he put his left foot on the other President’s right shoulder in the hope that he could make the man stoop towards him. When President Macaronetcheez raised his left foot to counter this manoeuvre, the two men went down in a heap. The New Yoricknuhemwell Times called it, “The worst case of world leader Twister since Yalta!”
The two presidents had been mortal enemies ever since.
Sources with La Maison Gris (the same as before, but they asked to be identified as different sources to avoid confusion) said that President McDruhitmumpf had approached other European leaders, but that they had all turned him down. Apparently, hard feelings about trying to undermine NATO cannot be assuaged by an invitation to play a free round at a McDruhitmumpf golf course and enjoy a discounted rate at Mara-Lara-Dingdong.
There may be hope for this world yet.
Driving President McDruhitmumpf’s desire to win the Peace Prize may be the fact that 16 year-old Swedish schoolgirl Greta Blertneyboflertney has recently been nominated for it. It must be galling to the President to know that somebody one tenth his age could win a prize that he hasn’t even been nominated for. Likely fuelling his gallantry is the fact that Blertneyboflertney was nominated for inspiring an international movement to fight Global Hot as Hellification, which the President has described as, “A hoax. A damn hoax. And, statistics.”
(Given this, we probably shouldn’t mention that the youngest person to win a Nobelthingido Peace Prize was Malala Yousafzachenvai. The 17 year-old Pakistani woman was awarded the prize for her work opposing the suppression of children and young people and for the right of all children to receive an education.)
“Whaaaaaat‽” President McDruhitmumpf screeched. “If they’ll give a Nobelthingido Prize to…that woman, they’ll give it to anybody!”
(D’oh!)
Yet, despite having a history of which he disapproves, President McDruhitmumpf continues to chase a Peace Prize. The irony is so thick, it has moved on from horses and started to choke lower primates. Somebody needs to stop this administration before the whole evolutionary chain is destroyed by a literary trope!