At Baderham & Warts, we pride ourselves on having an extensive catalogue of the latest in spycraft equipment. However, we must admit that, in one area, we have fallen unfortunately behind. Our supply of personal elimination devices, once the envy of the spy world, has, sadly, fallen largely by the wayside, owing in no small part to the American ban on assassinations.
We are delighted to report that the United States is reconsidering the use of assassination as a political tool in response to international terrorism. Happy days are here again! In anticipation of this change in policy, Baderham & Warts has reinstated the personal elimination devices section in this year’s catalogue. It is our hope that you will find this year’s selection to your satisfaction. Rest assured that we will spare no expense to bring you the finest products to satisfy all of your assassination needs in the years to come.
Sincerely,
The staff of Baderham & Warts
The Poison Tipped Umbrella (catalogue number T-1000-12-21). Now back in stock: the secret weapon that launched a thousand conspiracy theories! Simply send us any fully functional, perfectly ordinary umbrella, and we will sharpen and hollow out the tip for easy lethal jabbing. Please allow four to six weeks, less for preferred customers. (For preferred customer status rates, please enquire.) Baderham & Warts also offer a wide variety of poisons, everything from colourless, odourless, undetectable poisons that simulate death by natural causes to poisons that will make your target’s eyes bleed and internal organs liquify. LIMITED TIME RE-OPENING OFFER: for every 10 umbrellas modified, you get a free vial of the poison of your choice.
NEW! Electrocuting Keyboard (catalogue number: X-1237-17-2). It looks like an ordinary computer keyboard. It functions like an ordinary computer keyboard. But, at your command, it shoots 250,000 volts into the body of the person using it! Freak accident or murder? Not even a CSI investigator will know for sure! Coming soon: exploding Palm Pilots.
NEW! Paper Clips (catalogue number: B-1111-2-3). Remember when your mother told you not to run with something sharp or you would poke somebody’s eye out? Well, these paper clips are designed to do just that! Using the latest findings in nanotechnology research, each paper clip comes equipped with a miniature onboard engine and a guidance computer. On your command, the paper clips unbend and launch themselves directly at the eyes of your target, penetrating deep into his brain. The onboard computer has retinal scanning capability, ensuring that your target can be picked out of a crowded room, but we suggest allowing a few to search out targets at random for maximum terror. Comes in boxes of 50, 100 and 500.
The Exploding Cigar (catalogue number: F-2734-6-4). Imagine your target’s surprise when he suddenly finds he has no face! Hours of [classified]. Comes in three exciting flavours: Sir Walter Raleigh, Essence of the Orient (with a hint of Ginseng) and Molto Cubana (not available for delivery in the United States of America). Discounts available for bulk purchases. We can assure you that the Surgeon General won’t be issuing any health warnings for these babies!
Biological Agents (catalogue numbers: D-2012-1-1 to D-2012-1-57). If you want to terrorize a nation as well as neutralize a target agent, what could be more satisfying than Deng Fever, Bubonic Plague or, everybody’s favourite, anthrax? And, it’s as easy as sprinkling a little Pixie dust on an envelope! Anthrax has been given a bad name since it became the weapon of choice for right wing American militia groups. Still, as we at Baderham & Warts like to say: genetically modified biological weapons don’t kill people, people kill people. LIMITED TIME RE-OPENING OFFER: buy six or more biological agents and we’ll pay for shipping (including payoffs to the families of accidental targets)!
NEW! Exploding Guerilla Barbie (catalogue number: F-8710-1-24); Guerilla Barbie Car Bomb (catalogue number: F-8710-1-25); Guerilla Barbie Kalashnikov and Matching Ammo Gunbelt (catalogue number: F-8710-1-26). Pull the string once, and Guerilla Barbie shouts: “Who wants to go to the mall?” Pull the string a second time, and Guerilla Barbie screams: “Death to the Infidels!” Pull the string a third time, and a shower of nails will kill any living thing within a 25 foot radius! Batteries not included. Accessories sold separately. Not recommended for children.