1) Why have you installed a discussion board on the Les Pages aux Folles Web site?
2) But, don’t you ignore frequently unasked questions that people actually ask?
3) How do I do it?
4) No, I meant how do I post a message to the message board?
5) Okay. Then, how do I respond to a posted message?
6) Can I use naughty words in my posts?
7) So, I can say anything I want?
8) But –
9) Sorry.
10) Can I start my own topic, or do I have to post on the topics you have started?
11) What happens if I click on the word “topic?”
12) Really?
13) Could this unasked questions file be any less helpful?
14) Not Klingon?
15) No argument there. Still, why Swahili?
16) Do you lurk on the message board?
17) If that’s the case, why don’t you appear to post more messages?
18) What will you do if too many people participate in the discussion board?
19) But, what will you do if it does?
20) What will you do if nobody participates in the discussion board?
21) Why blame Jean Chretien?
22) What if I post something I later regret and want to change?
1) Why have you installed a discussion board on the Les Pages aux Folles Web site?
So readers can have a place to put their frequently unasked questions.
2) But, don’t you ignore frequently unasked questions that people actually ask?
Yes, but it’s easier to ignore them if they’re all in one place.
Weren’t you paying attention in high school sex ed class?
4) No, I meant how do I post a message to the message board?
So did I.
5) Okay. Then, how do I respond to a posted message?
Oh, that’s completely different. For best results, I suggest you curl up in a comfortable chair, a glass of red wine within arm’s reach, your favourite Cream album playing in the background. You don’t want to overextend yourself, so crack your fingers several times and stretch your legs until you’re certain they won’t cramp. Let your mind wander; if you haven’t relived a past life experience before you start, you’re not loose enough. When you return, place your fingers on your computer’s ergonomically designed keyboard and simply respond to the posted message.
6) Can I use naughty words in my posts?
Fuckin’ A you can! Just, uhh, try not to be quite so enthusiastic about it.
7) So, I can say anything I want?
Well, no. Anybody who says anything negative about the film Aguirre – The Wrath of God will have their post deleted and be banned for life from the discussion board. I mean, how could anybody say anything bad about a Werner Herzog fi – ooh, that’s the sort of thing that would make me tear my hair out…if my spreading middle age hadn’t left me with so little of it.
Aww, for crying out loud! You have to read a page of rules on posting before you get to the discussion area. What part of “no flames” do you not understand, you freaking hopelessly clueless newbie?
Well…okay, then.
10) Can I start my own topic, or do I have to post on the topics you have started?
Orange.
11) What happens if I click on the word “topic?”
A big cockroach-like insect bursts out of your screen and hits you repeatedly between the eyes with a large rubber mallet until you believe you’re actually writing a novel. And, oddly enough, it doesn’t feel better when he stops.
No, not really. But, it would if your computer had been designed by William S. Burroughs.
13) Could this unasked questions file be any less helpful?
Of course it could. I could have written it in Swahili.
You need to get out more.
15) No argument there. Still, why Swahili?
Because I don’t speak n’kth’la.
16) Do you lurk on the message board?
Lurk? Are you serious? Lurk? I jump up and down singing “Rule Britannia.” I run around like a madman wearing a pink neon sign over my head saying: “I created this! Listen to me! Listen to me! Listen to me!” I do cartwheels until I land in a pool of tapioca roast beef. I hit myself in the head with a large rubber mallet while pretending to be a big cockroach-like insect. I rapidly spin my arms in the air until I get dizzy and fall down.
17) If that’s the case, why don’t you appear to post more messages?
I see this as a place for readers to have their say – I wouldn’t want to call attention to myself.
18) What will you do if too many people participate in the discussion board?
No fear of that happening, I’m afraid…
19) But, what will you do if it does?
Blame Jean Chretien.
20) What will you do if nobody participates in the discussion board?
I will beg, plead, implore, entreat, supplicate, beseech, urge, wheedle, whinge, cajole and exhort readers to post messages. I will beat my chest and rend my garments. If all of that fails, I will blame Jean Chretien.
Because, whatever else you may think of him, Paul Martin is simply not…blameable.
22) What if I post something I later regret and want to change?
You are responsible for your own words. Hee hee hee…