Inventor. Destroyer. Successful entrepreneur. Wannabe rock star. Humanitarian. Oh, please, give me a break! He was a greedheaded misanthrope! Father. Yeah…okay, father. Born, the sixteenth day of the third moon, 2104, in Frigid Dick, Alaska. Died, the seventh day of the ninth moon, 2168, in Monkey Butt, West Virginia, of an acute ninja attack, aged 64.
When I was growing up, my father used to say, “Never get old. You put on weight. You can’t taste strawberries. And, perhaps the worst thing, you forget where you put your keys. You, uhh, you didn’t happen to see where I put my keys, did you?” It was just this experience, repeated over and over again until he couldn’t take it any more, that led him to create the vaRFID.
Yeah. When I was growing up, my father used to say, “I am a grown man! I put the food on the table in this family! And, I will not have you dictate to me what Internet sites I can and cannot look at!” I suppose I wasn’t supposed to hear that, having angrily been sent to my room, but, you know, when a man is shouting at the top of his lungs, he has to expect he will be heard.
You probably don’t know my father, but you have probably been affected by his work. Sanjay Vernacular was the co-creator, with Tony Almeida, of the vaRFID (not pronounced VAR-fid, although I always thought that was kind of catchy), voice activated Radio Frequency ID tags. You just call out the name of the object you are looking for and, if it has a vaRFID, it will start to glow and gently call your name. It can’t help you taste strawberries, of course, but it has helped lots of people survive the embarrassment of progressive memory loss.
Are you serious? Sanjay Vernacular was no Rajiv Schweitzer! The vaRFID was created for one reason: to make Sanjay Vernacular spectacularly wealthy! He used to keep a bar of gold under his mattress. One time, when I was little, I asked him if it made it hard for him to sleep. He said he slept better knowing that the next time the economic system collapsed, he would be okay. The next time the economic system did collapse, the bar of gold was useless, of course; the family survived because Sanjay was very good at fixing things.
I don’t remember that.
Of course not – you were just a baby.
Still, you’re not being fair. Sanjay was a kind man who loved his family. He got great joy from bringing the latest toys cooked up in his lab home for us to play with. There was always laughter when he was around.
That’s now how I remember things. He was rarely at home, and, when he did manage to pull himself away from the lab, Sanjay was surly and bitter and fought constantly with Meena, his wife, our mother. Why do you think they got a divorce?
People…grow apart as they grow older. It happens to the happiest of couples.
You really are clueless, aren’t you?
You’re just jealous at all the attention dad gave me.
Damn right, I’m jealous! I got the howling drunk, help me, Amina, help me find my bed in the middle of the night Sanjay. You got the 12 step, light shines out of his ass Sanjay. That’s not fair!
Maybe this isn’t the appropriate place to discuss tha
It’s dad’s obituary. Isn’t this the place to tell the truth about him?
Absolutely not! It’s the place where we can remember the good things about him. If you want to write about the bad things, write a memoir!
Maybe I will!
Oooooh, that would be just like you!
What do you mean?
Never mind.
What do you mean, that would be just like me?
You always were mean and spiteful!
Look how I was brought up!
See? That’s exactly what I’m talking about!
Oh, and you with your veneer of blessed reasonableness, all the time judging everybody around you – you really believe you’re better than me?
I don’t judge people! You’re horrible for saying that!
Oh, yeah. Sanjay Vernacular was a great father!
That’s how I remember him!
Whatever.
Amina and Pashmina Vernacular
Amina Vernacular is Sanjay’s 36 year-old daughter. Pashmina Vernacular is Sanjay’s 27 year-old daughter.