by TIMMY, Alternate Reality Kidz News Service Parental Tech Writer
9:09am
I fell into the well. Again. Third time this week. I don’t know why this keeps happening to me. Oh, well. Lassie will realize that I’m missing and come and find me.
9:43am
I mean, I was on the way to Old Proctor’s farm to interview a pig about how artificial intelligence is changing agricultural practices when I fell into the well. Old Proctor’s farm is at least seven kilometres away from the well. That’s some detour! Why does this keep happening to me? Oh well. Lassie will soon realize that I’m missing and come and find me.
11:17am
I sure do hope Lassie realizes that I’m missing and comes and finds me soon. Summer is over and it’s cold down here at the bottom of the well.
12:12pm
I hear voices from above. “Hey!” I shout. “Hey! Can you hear me! I’m stuck at the bottom of the well!”
“Did you hear something?” I hear Johnny Regalferret say.
“It’s just Timmy,” Slobodan Santanna responds. “He’s fallen down the well again.”
“Guys!” I scream. “I could really use your help! Throw me down a rope or some -“
“Oh. No problem, then,” Johnny says. “Lassie will realize that he’s missing and come find him. Wanna go steal a pie cooling on a windowsill?”
“As long as we can get back to school before the end of lunch,” Slobodan answers. “I have a math test I have to fail.”
“Guys, seriously!” I plead. “Just let my mom know that I’m down here! Or my dad! Any adult, really! They all know what to do. Guys? Guys!”
But the guys had already moved on.
1:39pm
I mean, why do I keep falling down the well? Is it a desperate cry for attention? Hardly. I’m a reporter for the Alternate Reality News Service! One of the most popular ones, too! I get plenty of attention, buster! At least seven people read what I write! Do I need to be constantly rescued to reaffirm my value to those I love and society? No, I’m a reporter for the Alternate Reality News Service, so – umm, no, actually, having to reaffirm my value to society tracks.
I overheard a fireman who was rescuing me one time say I kept falling into the well because I was trying to get back into my mom’s womb. Okay, that’s just weird.
When Lassie realizes that I’m missing and comes and finds me, we’ll have to talk about why I’m always falling into the well. He’s a good listener. I’m sure I’ll come out of that conversation with lots of deep insights! When Lassie realizes that I’m missing and comes and finds me.
3:01pm
I mean, why do I wait for Lassie to realize that I’m missing and come and find me? I’m a resourceful kid! I should find a way to get out of this predicament on my own! Right? Right!
3:14pm.
I got nothing.
3:29pm
The walls are too sheer for me to get a handhold. It occurs to me that I should be able to do something with the phone I’ve been keeping notes on, but what? There’s no point in throwing it out of the well to get somebody’s attention. With my luck, nobody will be there. Or, somebody will be there who will take my phone. Still, there must be something I can do with it. Something…
Aha! It’s a phone! I’ll call somebody to come and get me! I could call my parents, but I decide to cut out the middleman and call the fire department directly. I open the phone app. And discover that there is no reception at the bottom of the well.
I despair.
4:40pm
I blame society. Why are there so many wells for innocent young boys to fall down? Why don’t wells come with falling warnings? Maybe laws that require that a boy approaching a well who is only seven years old has to be accompanied by an adult? This is such a needless tragedy! When Lassie realizes that I’m missing and comes and finds me, we need to discuss alternatives that would reduce the amount of well falling into in society.
7:38pm
Is that…barking? Yes! Finally! It is barking!
“Lassie!” I shout. “I’ve fallen down the well and I can’t get out! Get help!”
The barking continued. That was odd. Lassie usually barks once, then runs off to get help. “Lassie! I’m glad you’re happy to hear my voice, but we’ll have plenty of time to play later! Now, I need you to go and get help!”
The barking continued. I listened to it for a few seconds before realizing: “Hey! You’re not Lassie! Rex? Is that you, boy?”
In response, Rex dropped a stick down the well.
I’m doomed.
UPDATE: Timmy was rescued three days later by an itinerant goat herder. Given how few goats there are on the Prairies, he was very itinerant (and Timmy was very lucky). Timmy will be taking a temporary leave of absence from the Alternate Reality News Service to write a novel based on his harrowing experience at the bottom of the well.