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Little Network on the Prairie

INT. CANADIAN BROADCAST EXECUTIVE’S OFFICE – DAY

It is warm, with lovely wood-paneling and lots of room for its solid oak furniture. The BROADCAST EXECUTIVE, a middle aged white man with a tan you just know can’t be natural, sits behind a desk. The PRODUCER, a middle aged white man with a pale complexion that suggests he really should get out more, sits opposite.

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: And, how are you today?

PRODUCER: I’ve been –

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Alright, then. I have good news and I have bad news.

PRODUCER: Oh oh.

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: I will be producing your new show, Little Landing Strip on the Prairie.

PRODUCER: Oh, amazing! That’s great news!

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: No, that’s bad news.

PRODUCER: But…but, if you’re greenlighting the show, you must have liked the pitch.

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: No. I hated the pitch.

PRODUCER: What?

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Canada needs another show about cute kids growing up on the Prairies during the depression who are trying to keep a hyper-intelligent alien squid from being discovered by the authorities like…I don’t know…something it really doesn’t need, you know?

PRODUCER: But, the kids are really adorable.

BOADCAST EXECUTIVE: So is the hyper-intelligent alien squid. But, the pilot made less sense than Dan for Mayor.

PRODUCER: I like Dan for Mayor.

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: That’s the problem. Look. The CRTC has ruled that I have to spend at least 30 per cent of my gross operating revenues on Canadian programming. Do you have any idea how much American programming I could have bought with that money?

PRODUCER: Half a season of The Marriage Ref?

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Seinfeld – that putz! He had a monster, massive hit series – who could have possibly guessed that his next series wasn’t going to be as big?!

PRODUCER: Erm…

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Seinfeld – that gonif! – he robbed us blind on The Marriage Ref!

PRODUCER: You didn’t have to buy it.

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: What? And, let Global get their grubby little claws on it? How would Canadian broadcasting have been served by that?

PRODUCER: Umm…

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Exactly. Now, back to Little Landing Strip on the Prairie. We’ve pretty much decided where the series is going to air.

PRODUCER: The main network?

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: No.

PRODUCER: BravoCase?

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: No.

PRODUCER: The Showy Entertainment Network?

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: No.

PRODUCER: Movie Time?

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: No.

PRODUCER: Umm, could you give me a clue? I’m kind of running out of –

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: You eat it with jelly.

PRODUCER: What…?

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: You spread it on bread…

PRODUCER: I don’t think –

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: It sticks to the roof of your mouth!

PRODUCER: Mmm…no, I –

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Oh, for the love of Moses! Spliffy! You’re going on the Spliffy Peanut Butter Network!

PRODUCER: You own that?

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: We don’t advertise the fact – it’s a network about peanut butter for crying out loud! – but, yeah. We own it.

PRODUCER: Where…uhh…

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Is it on the dial?

PRODUCER: Right.

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Sorry to interrupt, but I only have a minute and 37 seconds before I have to ignore a phone call about a meeting I don’t want to take about a charity I’m already regretting I donated to. Spliffy can be found after the Accidental Coleslaw Network and just before pay-per-view celebrity autopsies.

PRODUCER: H…how many viewers does the Spliffy Peanut Butter Network get?

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Hard to say. Nielsen won’t touch it – says that its auditors refuse to go there because it’s in a bad neighbourhood.

PRODUCER: That’s terrible!

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: I know. After the ratings they gave us last season for Flashoforwardpoint, the bastards deserve a little roughing up!

PRODUCER: No, I mean where you’ve placed my show on the dial – that’s terrible news!

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: No, that’s good news. It means we don’t have to clog up the main networks with programming that nobody wants to see.

PRODUCER: Canadian programming!

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Like I said.

PRODUCER: But –

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Listen, I only have…23 seconds left, so let me cut to the chase: you get a produced show that can go on your reel, I get the government off my back without doing anything that would piss of my shareholders. If that isn’t a win/win, I don’t know what is.

PRODUCER: But –

SOUND: telephone rings.

BROADCAST EXECUTIVE: Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta not take this…

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