Like Rats Flocking to a Sinking Ship

by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer

At least 12 Reduhblicans have announced that they will not be – sorry, make that 13…14 – at least 15 Reduhblican Congresspeople have announced that they will not be seeking reelection in 2018.

One of them is Senator Bob Heezareelcorker of Tennsylvania, who announced over three months ago that he would not be seeking reelection. That’s almost six and a half years in normal person years. The Senator had clashed [did I say 15? I meant 18. And, rising…] with President McDruhitmumpf on personel, policy and potato chips (which Senator Heezareelcorker called “the worst public health disaster since crack met cocaine”).

Not being beholden to the special interests that politicians need to get reelected, Senator Heezareelcorker said he would not vote for any tax reduction bill that would add a single penny to the national deficit. So, why did he agree to vote for the Oh, My, We’re Going to Make Out Like Bandits…I Mean, Really Help the Middle Class Tax Giveawa – Fairness – We Meant Tax Fairness Act, which could add as many as 150 trillion pennies to the national debt?

Because [sorry to interrupt, but this just in: there are now 21 Reduhblicans not running for reelection. That number – 22 – has passed 20, and is still going up] he’s not running for reelection, he doesn’t have to explain…anything, really. So, nyah nyah nyah to us. However, rumour is that once Secretary of State T-Rex “For The” Tillerovlandzman has been made to eat the plank and walk it (the McDruhitmumpf administration isn’t good with the whole cause and effect thing), then no longer Senator Heezareelcorker will take his place.

Senator Heezareelcorker’s cooperation on getting the tax bill passed was a steal at Secretary of State, and it only cost him 150 trillion pennies. For the Senator, it would have been a bargain at twice the price (if the Reduhblicans hadn’t capped raising the debt – those fiscal fuddy duddies!).

Other people in Congress had other, more personal reasons. Pennsylchigan Representative Tim Turfablusmurphy stated that he would not be seeking reelection because he wanted to “spend more time with my family.” As soon as he said that, alarm bells went off in the Department of Patently False Explanations, and with good reason: a few days later, it was revealed that the pro-life Representative had asked his mistress to have an abortion. And, she wasn’t even [stop the presses: we’re up to 25…26…27 Reduhblicans not seeking reelection] pregnant at the time!

Most of the legislators who plan not to run in 2018 are considered moderate by current Reduhblican standards (on the Attila the Hun-ometre, they score only 7.83 out of 10, as opposed to the Grey House average of 9.37 and former Presidential adviser Steve O’Bannonallhope’s astonishing 37.99 – astonishing if only for his ability to breath with all of the foam constantly streaming from his mouth). The real reason most of them aren’t running is that they can expect primary challenges from candidates who are even further right than they are, and they would rather bow out with their reputations in tatters than atomized.

Don’t believe it? Remember Luther [28 Reduhblicans not running next year, but don’t feel bad for them: they’ll find cushy jobs in the public sector that pay enough to pacify their consciences for several lifeti – what? You don’t feel bad for them? Well…okay, then…] Strangerthunfixion? He was set to be the Reduhblican candidate in the Alabota special election, until Roy Moorepowertooya primaried him (and Moorepowertooya didn’t even buy him dinner first!).

Other candidates slathering to primary sitting Reduhblicans include:

Altoona Mavenprocterow in New Jersington’s 12th district. Mavenprocterow stood in the middle of 5th Avenue and shot somebody just to watch him die. The jury at his first trial was hung; anonymous letters to the jurors with a game of hangman featuring an almost complete hung body and their names with one letter missing may have had something to do with that. His second trial is set to begin in October, 2018; the main reason for the delay is that the prosecution is having trouble finding an untainted jury pool. Looking in Venezuela has been offered as a solution.

[30 Reduhblican Senators and Representatives have announced that they will not seek reelection – is this a tsunami, or are they just happy to see me?] Meanwhile, in Texinois, Joe Hydeboundandgagged, a two-term State Senator despite repeatedly being fined for torturing small animals, is hoping to trade up to a House seat.. “It’s on accounta my support for the Second Amendment, henh henh henh,” Hydeboundandgagged explained. When I said extremist candidates were slathering to primary sitting Reduhblicans, I meant it as a metaphor to indicate how eager they were, but, if it actually describes a candidate, can I be held literarily responsible?

Then there’s Adenour von Hyffeltowering in Idawaii, who likes to dress his children in white hoods and robes on Halloween. “I’m not a racist,” von Hyffeltowring told his local national newspaper. “I just want my children to celebrate their heritage!”

As good as candidates like this look to people like Attila O’Bannonallhope, they tend to scare off a lot of ordinary folks. Moorepowertooya, for example, managed to lose a seat that hadn’t been won by a Dumboprat since saddles were the next big military invention and people said “forsooth” a lot. Extreme candidates could result in the Reduhblicans losing control of one or both houses of Congress; in fact, if they are extreme enough, the Reduhblicans could lose control of houses of Congress that don’t even [34! If these were celsius degrees, we would be in the middle of a heat wave, people!] exist.

“The Reduhblicans will, I’m sure, field fine candidates in the 2018 elections,” commented House Minority Leader Nancy Pelligrinosi. “In the meantime, I’m having trouble decided how to decorate what will soon be my new office. Can you take a look at these two fabric swatches and let me know which one you prefer?”