DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I have a friend…uhh, I mean, I have a friend who has a friend who either cannot or chooses not to control his dog. The result is that the dog poops all over the place. Now, I don’t know what my friend…that is, my friend’s friend feeds his dog, but lately his poop has been positively toxic! My friend…’s friend expects an international force to clean up his dog’s latest mess. Should I join?
DEAR HEART: Not if the mess is called Afghanistan.
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I just met the most amazing woman and we had a terrific first date. Or, well, I thought we did. But, she wouldn’t go out with me a second time. When I asked her why, she said that she had Googled my name and found out that I had served seven years in jail for armed robbery, aggravated assault and forging Canadian tire money. Is there anything I can do?
DEAR HEART: Get a dog. And, make sure to train it properly.
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: When the lights go out, how long should I wait before I kill my neighbours?
DEAR HEART: This is one of those vexed questions upon which reasonable people may disagree. Some people say that it is better to kill your neighbours at the first sign of trouble so that you don’t run the risk of yourself getting killed by some trigger-happy loon. Others believe that you should wait a few days, allowing your neighbours to weaken substantially, which will, of course, make them easier to kill.
However, Missed Manners is a pacifist who doesn’t believe in unprovoked violence. In my estimation, your best bet is to stick close to your battery-operated radio and wait for the cue from civil authorities before unleashing mayhem upon your neighbourhood.
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I have a friend who used to be Governor of one of the largest states in the Union, presiding over one of the largest economies in the world. Recently, he was…well, you could say he was terminated. Picked off by a predator. Totally recalled. Let’s call him…Bob. Now, okay, Bob was about as loved in the state as a hedgehog at a nudist colony. Still, the man who replaced him was a popular actor with no experience of running a state. Let’s call him…Bob. No, that’s taken. Let’s call him…Burt. The Republican Party, which hammered home the issue of the state’s $40 billion deficit (even though it was largely the fault of the policies of the Republican President – let’s call him…oh, you know who he is!), supported Burt, even though he put forward no credible plan to fix the state’s budget problems.
My question is: what should I get Bob as a going away present?
DEAR HEART: The problem with American politics is that the Democrats think politics is a gentleman’s game, while the Republicans think politics is a blood sport. When the Republicans went after Democratic President Bill Clinton, they made it seem like his sexual peccadilloes were a clear and present danger to the country. Revelations of…Burt’s continued ill treatment of women, by way of contrast, were portrayed as youthful indiscretions (a credible proposition if you believe actors never truly grow up – but, that’s a little beside the point).
Where is Kenneth Starr when you need him?
As to your question: placement on the boards of prominent corporations or work with a large law firm with a lobbying arm in the state capital is usually considered an appropriate parting gift. However, if charges of corruption in…Bob’s government turn out to be true, prison fatigues might be better.
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I enjoy reading Rosie DiManno’s columns in The Toronto Star, but I find that I get headaches if I spend too long with them. Is that because they usually appear on the second page of the front section, one of the “bleed through” pages, so called because the light bleeds through it because of the thinness of newsprint?
DEAR HEART: No. DiManno’s convoluted and sometimes surreal attacks on anything even faintly “progressive” are the cause of your discomfort. Fortunately, the cure is rather simple: take two doses of “quickly turn the page and don’t look back.”
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I’m an internationally renowned radio talk show diva who has recently ended her seven year conversion to Orthodox Judaism. Since then, people in my former faith community have…have been mean to me. What did I do to deserve that?
DEAR HEART: Are you kidding? Religion is about the sacred relationship between people and their house of worship – it’s not a boutique where you can pick and choose what you’re going to believe in based on whatever hormones are surging through your body that day! Get a backbone, bubbelach – choose a belief and, by god, stick to it!
Oh, and, don’t be so impressed by the warm welcome your Christian listeners have been giving you. If the situation were reversed, believe me, they’d be only too happy to cast the first stone against you – and the next several hundred!
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I think I deserve more sympathy than you’ve shown me – after all, I’m seeking the truth just like everybody else. Don’t you think you’re being too harsh?
DEAR HEART: What can I tell you? I learned compassion from the master.