DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I am the leader of a small African nation that, despite its general lack of importance, has gained some status internationally because of its oil exports. I am a Colonel in our army, well-loved by my people and feared and hated by our enemies. I have sometimes been accused of acting irrationally, but that is simply not true – I just have a moral code that is very, very strict.
Recently, the fighter aircraft of another nation dropped by rather unexpectedly, stayed for only 11 minutes and abruptly left again, leaving behind several bombs, both exploded and unexploded. Needless to say, I was not given an opportunity to prepare a suitable welcome, and entertaining was quite difficult. Could you tell me what my duties as a host are in such a situation? Would I be wrong in becoming angry? Would I be totally out of line to return the favour by, say, unleashing terrorist attacks on our unexpected guests and their allies? Your advice on these troubling matters would be greatly appreciated.
DEAR HEART: What a delightful and timely question! More and more, countries are invading each other without so much as a declaration of war, or even a simple telephone call, and it is often difficult to know just how such unexpected intrusions should be handled. Preparing coffee and cakes is, given the shortness of the stay, out of the question. These days, it is common practice to return an invader’s gifts with appropriate offerings of one’s own: anti-aircraft fire, say, or mortar shells.
Of course, Missed Manners cannot condone terrorism, an appalling breach of etiquette. Such behaviour is a clear breach of common human decency and tremendously messy, so it should be avoided at all costs. Such rules differ from country to country, of course, but, Dear Heart, really! Some things a civilized nation simply does not do!
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I can’t believe Air Canada has now designated some flights as non-smoking! What next? Flights without free drinks? Flights without stewardesses and pilots? Smoking is the most satisfying activities one can engage in. And, patriotic! What is the airline trying to do? Destroy the tobacco industry? Interfere with our right to pollute our lungs, seriously damage our bodies and otherwise enjoy all the other benefits of cigars and cigarettes? Can we allow such restrictions in a truly democratic society? What I’m getting at is: do I really hafta stop?
DEAR HEART: Calm down! Missed Manners is not a medical expert, but she thinks you’re heading straight down the highway without exits that leads to Heart Attack City! Where will Air Canada’s initiative end? Possibly with flights without passengers. If you don’t like the situation, don’t stay aboard the plane. Especially after it has reached an altitude of 30,000 feet.
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: Is that really your name? Haw – just kidding. I;m six foot three and husky. The other day, I was wearing my Hell Bent for Nutrition t-shirt, tastefully ripped at the shoulder, and a black leather bomber jacket. (I don’t think it’s a real bomber jacket, but I did get it out of a real bomber.) I was wearing a large earring in the shape of a popular handgun. In short, I thought I looked like I didn’t want to be messed with, okay?
I was looking for the latest Bonzo Dog Doodah Band album (I know it’s been a few years since it was released, but I’ve been out of…town for a while) when this sour old woman comes up to me and says, “You should finish your drink before you go out, young man!” This kinda threw me because I wasn’t aware that I had anything to drink before I went out. So, I looked down and, sure enough, there was a pop can in my hand. Like, wow.
So, what I want to know is, should I have jumped all over her face when she gave me a hard time? I mean, I just laughed and walked away, but then I figured that if you let one old sourpuss get away with that kind of stuff, there’s no telling where it will end, right?
DEAR HEART: Your reactions seem extreme. Missed Manners believes that the right thing to do in such a situation is exactly what you did do: laugh and walk away. It’s unfortunate that old people have no respect for youth any more, but you shouldn’t allow that to make you do something you, the lady and half the city’s police force might regret later.
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: I am the leader of a provincial political machine who finds himself in recently impoverished circumstances. The other day, the leader of the newly elected government presented his first Throne Speech. How should I respond.
DEAR HEART: Flowers are always appropriate for state occasions.
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: Would I be correct in saying that your column is nothing more than an opinionated, self-important, fatuous exercise in maudlin indulgence that keeps people with serious problems from seeking meaningful, lasting assistance from trained professionals?
DEAR HEART: No, you would not. Such columns do exist, but this is not really one of them.
DEAR MISSED MANNERS: Oh. Would I be correct in saying, then, that your column is nothing more than an opinionated, self-important, fatuous exercise in maudlin indulgence that plays on our need to be socially accepted by inflating the importance of customs and down-playing simple questions of right and wrong?
DEAR HEART: Yes. That sounds closer to the truth.