“Because politics doesn’t sleep – neither do we.”
“You’re watching DNN – the Deadline News Network.”
“It’s four in the morning, and our coverage of the 2008 Presidential election continues. I’m…I…I know I have a name…”
“Are you okay, Rex?”
“Rex! Rex Veneer! I’m Rex Veneer for…for…”
“Deadline News?”
“I knew that! The Deadline News Network. We –”
“Rex, when was the last time you slept?”
“Umm…I don’t know. Let’s see…it’s Monday morning…the last time I slept would have been…87 days ago.”
“Eighty-seven da – man, why don’t you get some rest?”
“Aww, 87 days ain’t nothing – isn’t anything. Aren’t anything? During the Kennedy-Nixon election of 1960, I didn’t sleep for almost a year!”
“How…?”
“The trick is to learn how to ignore the shadowy figures moving about at the periphery of your vision.”
“Rex, are you sure…?”
“Fit as a Chinese child’s toy. In a few hours the polls will open, and America will face the most momentous choice in the nation’s history since the last most momentous choice in the nation’s history four years ago. Will Barack Obama become the first black…half-black…blackish president in the country? Or will John McCain become the first white president of the country…since the last white president of the country? And, the one before him? And, the one before that? And, pretty much all of the presidents before them, except, perhaps, for Tyler? Very suspicious, that Tyler. Joining me now to add some last minute analysis about a campaign that just about everybody in America – with the possible exception of the masochist Sean Hannity – is already sick of is…umm…David….”
“Axelrod.”
“No, wait, don’t tell me…”
“David Axelrod.”
“David Axelrod. You’re David Axelrod.”
“I know.”
“David is the chief strategist for the Obama campaign.”
“No, I’m no – oh, wait. You got that right. Yes, I am.”
“Hunh. Also, Steve Schmidt, senior adviser to…to…the other guy running.”
“John McCain?”
“That’s right. Let’s start with….David. With a few hours to go, you’ve got to be feeling pretty good about…your candidate’s chances…don’t you?”
“It’s not that simple, Rex. Sure, we’re ahead in Florida, but you can’t count out the Confused But Angry Little Old Man vote, which could completely swing that state around. And, yeah, we also have leads in places like North Carolina, Virginia, Ohio and Pennsylvania, but that could just be because people really want to vote for Barack. What they will actually do when they face the lonely existential choices waiting for them in the cold, hard voting booth is anybody’s guess. I wouldn’t count out the possibility of a large write in vote for Alfred E. Neuman. As we all know, that’s what killed Al Gore in 2000. Sure, last Monday Obama had a 27 point lead in the polls. But, by Friday, that lead was down to 24.3 points. Given a trend like that, I would have to say that it could be anybody’s election.”
“Zzzz – snort! Okay. Umm…cough cough. Steve, how are things in the…your camp?”
“Well, we have pretty much the same analysis, Rex.”
“Umm…really?”
“You betcha. According to our internal polls – which, of course, we are totally not going to share with anybody – Obama’s lead has dropped from 3 points to 1.27, but, otherwise, I couldn’t agree with David more: it’s anybody’s race.”
“So, would it be safe to say that both campaigns are going full tilt right to the wire?”
“Yes.”
“Absolutely.”
“Uh hunh. And, the fact that both of you are claiming that the race is closer than the polls would make it appear, that would have nothing to do with efforts to make sure that your supporters turn out to vote, right? I mean, if McCain or Obama supporters thought the race was over, they might not be counted upon to show up on election day, right?”
“…”
“Right?”
“…”
“Guys, am I right, here?”
“Uhh, Rex, have I mentioned that the fact that McCain hasn’t been ahead in a national poll since September 15 clearly shows that he has us right where he wants us?”
“It does?”
“Don’t listen to him, Rex!”
“Uhh, no?”
“McCain is spending so much time in Pennsylvania, they’ll think he’s a native son before the election is over! Getting the swingiest of swing states will definitely put the underdog on top!”
“Maybe the ‘underdog’ should be more careful about his home state of Arizona.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“I’m just saying.”
“Aha! You are confident that you’re going to win the election!”
“Oh! You take that back!”
“Ha ha! Look who’s confident he’s gonna win! And, you know what that means: you’re overconfident! Loser!”
“Are there no depths to which the Republicans won’t sink to win this election!”
“Hunh? Oh. I’d like to thank David Axelrod and Steve Schmidt for helping us make sense of all of the numbers floating around. I know I understand what’s happening better, now. We’re going to take a break, and, when we come back…we’ll have…other people talking about…other things…”