1) A couple of days after you made a tasteless joke about a man being killed in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina for playing the Tragically Hip song “New Orleans is Sinking,” radio stations in Louisiana stopped playing the song out of sympathy for the hurricane’s victims. How do you feel now, smart guy?
2) You’re just mister sensitivity, aren’t you?
3) Didn’t you just mention it?
4) You’re very critical of the United States considering you don’t live there.
5) You’re very critical of the United States considering you don’t live there…aren’t you?
6) How long do you see yourself continuing to do this?
7) That’s rather harsh, don’t you think?
8) How are you going to deal with your recent drop in readership?
9) How is that going to help?
10) Don’t you think you should consider modifying the content?
11) Protests against nudity on the Web? Do you think anybody cares any more?
12) During the recent election, you predicted that the New Democratic Party would win every seat east of Calgary and west of Calgary. How does it feel to be so far off?
13) Oh, come on. You were way off. Why can’t you just admit that?
14) WHY WON’T YOU ADMIT YOU WERE WRONG?
15) BUT, YOU WERE WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! HOW CAN YOU – YOU – ACK!
16) You were wrong about the election though. What about that?
17) What if you’re neither?
18) What have you got against that guy?
19) Lots of people are taller than you are. Why do you hold a grudge against Slinger in particular?
1) A couple of days after you made a tasteless joke about a man being killed in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina for playing the Tragically Hip song “New Orleans is Sinking,” radio stations in Louisiana stopped playing the song out of sympathy for the hurricane’s victims. How do you feel now, smart guy?
I scooped reality? Cool!
2) You’re just mister sensitivity, aren’t you?
Hey! I could have mentioned the Kaiser Chiefs song “I Predict a Riot,” but I didn’t.
3) Didn’t you just mention it?
Well, I’m just mister sensitivity, aren’t I?
4) You’re very critical of the United States considering you don’t live there.
I should remind you that answers must be in the form of a question…
5) You’re very critical of the United States considering you don’t live there…aren’t you?
Considering how critical I am of the United States, it wouldn’t be smart for me to live there, would it? Oh, and, thanks for allowing me to get in touch with my inner Alex Trebek.
6) How long do you see yourself continuing to do this?
I envision three scenarios in which I would stop writing Les Pages aux Folles.
SCENARIO ONE: Greed, vanity and corruption spontaneously disappear from the face of the earth, leaving humanity with a golden age of love and prosperity unrivalled in history. I’m not holding my breath.
SCENARIO TWO: Space aliens come to earth and destroy all of our centers of civilization. I would continue to write on spare scraps of paper that came my way, distributing copies to my nearest companions and asking them to pass them on when they’ve finished reading them. If there was no paper to be had, I would continue telling my stories orally. In the end, the space aliens would be defeated by tiny microbes, and human beings would learn to live with each other and work together for our common good. This scenario isn’t very likely, but it has the advantage of being more likely than Scenario One.
SCENARIO THREE: I’m dead.
7) That’s rather harsh, don’t you think?
Hey! We’ve all got to be invaded by space aliens some time.
8) How are you going to deal with your recent drop in readership?
I plan on creating the Web site entirely in the nude.
Not publishing photos of myself creating the Web site in the nude can only help my readership.
10) Don’t you think you should consider modifying the content?
Okay, okay. I’ll put the nude photos of myself creating the Web site on the Web site, then take them down after the protests.
11) Protests against nudity on the Web? Do you think anybody cares any more?
You haven’t seen these photos. Trust me – there’s a reason I have a heart condition.
12) During the recent election, you predicted that the New Democratic Party would win every seat east of Calgary and west of Calgary. How does it feel to be so far off?
They got 29 seats – I wasn’t that far off.
13) Oh, come on. You were way off. Why can’t you just admit that?
I wasn’t wrong. It was the electorate that was wrong.
14) WHY WON’T YOU ADMIT YOU WERE WRONG?
It’s the Zen of Punditry. We live in the moment. Any predictions that we may have made in the past are of no consequence. Any predictions we may make in the future are irrelevant. The only important prediction is the one we make in the present, and my prediction in the present is that if you don’t calm down, you’re a prime candidate for a heart attack.
15) BUT, YOU WERE WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! HOW CAN YOU – YOU – ACK!
I wasn’t wrong about the heart attack, was I, smart guy?
16) You were wrong about the election though. What about that?
I’d rather be funny than right. If I’m both, well, that’s just a bonus.
I’m still further ahead than Slinger.
18) What have you got against that guy?
He’s taller than I am. I hate that.
19) Lots of people are taller than you are. Why do you hold a grudge against Slinger in particular?
Oh, sure, remind me. You’re a real charmer, you know that?