1) How come you’re sucking up to Angelina Jolie?
2) Funny. But, seriously. Are you trying to get a date with Angelina Jolie? Is that why you were nice to her in a recent article?
3) Okay, okay. Why is…“Maureen” sucking up to Angelina Jolie?
4) It’s been a long time since the last update of Frequently Unasked Questions. Why is that?
5) How do you get articles from the Alternate Reality News Service?
6) Isn’t one reality enough for you?
7) Which reality would you prefer?
8) You do know that the word “echo” has an “h” in it, don’t you?
9) Why do you do that?
10) How long do you think you can keep this up?
11) How come you won’t answer questions with Saturday Night Live references, but you yourself initiate Monty Python’s Flying Circus references?
12) Yes, you do.
13) Do!
14) Do!
15) Oh, this is futile!
16) There! Didn’t you just do it again?
17) Hey! Don’t try to change the subject. I meant: how long do you think you can keep writing columns?
18) How long is that?
19) What have you got against broccoli?
20) That’s rather harsh, isn’t it?
21) Uhh, do you mind if I change the subject?
22) I’ve noticed that the questions and answers in your FUQ files aren’t so much updated as completely changed from one version to the next.
23) Sorry. Why is that?
24) Are you being obtuse?
25) Hey! Merlot is a fine beverage at an affordable price. Its bad reputation, fostered by the kind of cheap shot that you just took, is undeserved. Don’t you think it’s time to lay off the Merlot?
26) Oh, very fu – wait a minute! You don’t even drink alcohol!
27) Sorry. How can you say that about Merlot when you’re a teatotaler?
28) I need a drink!
1) How come you’re sucking up to Angelina Jolie?
No, no, no. It wasn’t me. It was Maureen Pfester, the creator of the Web site Listen Up, Asshole. I just occasionally excerpt her writing in The Daily Me, I don’t actually write that stuff. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
2) Funny. But, seriously. Are you trying to get a date with Angelina Jolie? Is that why you were nice to her in a recent article?
Shut up! Jeezus, what are you trying to do, destroy readers’ suspension of disbelief or something? I’m telling you, it wasn’t me, it was Maureen Pfester. Maureen. Not me. Okay?
3) Okay, okay. Why is…”Maureen” sucking up to Angelina Jolie?
Are you kidding? I live three thousand – I mean, uhh, Maureen – Maureen lives three thousand miles from Los Angeles. Angelina Jolie is one of the most powerful, beautiful women in the world and Maureen – we’re talking about Maureen, now – is a middle-aged nobody. Angelina Jolie is a wealthy, glamourous movie star. Maureen is a…writer.
Oh, god, yes, who do I have to kill to spend five minutes in Angelina Jolie’s shadow?
4) It’s been a long time since the last update of Frequently Unasked Questions. Why is that?
I, uhh, I’m trying to retain some small shred of dignity.
5) How do you get articles from the Alternate Reality News Service?
From their Web site. The seven-dimensional hyperURL is: ht @ f .uni.
6) Isn’t one reality enough for you?
One reality would be enough for me if it wasn’t this one.
7) Which reality would you prefer?
One that didn’t contain Cedric the Entertainer as Ralph Kramden.
8) You do know that the word “echo” has an “h” in it, don’t you?
Sometimes, I write with a cockney accent.
I suspect I was Alfie in a previous life. Not Jude Law’s Alfie, of course, but the original Michael Caine version.
10) How long do you think you can keep this up?
That’s a rather personal question, isn’t it?
11) How come you won’t answer questions with Saturday Night Live references, but you yourself initiate Monty Python’s Flying Circus references?
I do not.
Don’t.
Don’t.
Don’t.
No, it isn’t.
16) There! Didn’t you just do it again?
Do you really want to waste the next five questions arguing about that?
17) Hey! Don’t try to change the subject. I meant: how long do you think you can keep writing columns?
Until we stop breeding stupid people.
At least until the sun turns nova. After that, we’ll see.
19) What have you got against broccoli?
Okay, look, I’ve dealt with that question in interviews many times – don’t you think it’s time to forget about it and move on? For the record: two or three – what the hell do you call bits of broccoli, anyway? – two or three bits of broccoli as a garnish may be fine as long as they know their place on the dinner plate. However, in the eternal battle between broccoli and baked potatoes for world side dish supremacy, I side with the potatoes for a variety of historical, social and religious reasons. Reasonable people can agree to disagree on this issue. Unreasonable people can kiss my ass.
20) That’s rather harsh, isn’t it?
You got something against my ass?
21) Uhh, do you mind if I change the subject?
I wish you would.
22) I’ve noticed that the questions and answers in your FUQ files aren’t so much updated as completely changed from one version to the next.
Is that a question?
Why is what?
Only after I’ve been drinking cheap Merlot.
25) Hey! Merlot is a fine beverage at an affordable price. Its bad reputation, fostered by the kind of cheap shot that you just took, is undeserved. Don’t you think it’s time to lay off the Merlot?
I think perhaps it’s time for you to lay off the Merlot.
26) Oh, very fu – wait a minute! You don’t even drink alcohol!
Is that a question?
27) Sorry. How can you say that about Merlot when you’re a teatotaler?
Say what?