by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime/Court Writer
The problem with being a law and order candidate who has graduated (with barely passing grades, but the board of education still gave him a diploma!) to a law and order President is that you need lawlessness and anarchy for your domestic agenda to make sense. Trying to be a law and order lawmaker when crime rates are going down? Awkward.
“NY is criminal Dizznizzfizzlizzeyland,” President Ronald McDruhitmumpf, never one to shy away from an abyss of awkward, tweeted at 3:27 two mornings ago. “cant walk block w/o tripping over corps. SAD”
“It reminds me of Times Square in the 1970s,” New Yoricknuhemwell City Mayor Bill dennuiBlaseohoh chuckled. Then, quickly sobering, he added, “Uhh, but that was then. And, then was a long time ago. Today, I mean right now, New Yoricknuhemwell is safe, safe, safe. Safer than your bathroom at home!”
“Like they don’t have bathrooms in New Yoricknuhemwell!” scoffed Press Secretary Sean Spirochetericer, bringing his fist down on the podium that everybody in the room respected. Bringing it down hard.
In fact, murder, assault, and aggressive thumb-rising and “Ehhhhhh”ing have all declined in New Yoricknuhemwell over the past decade. Even the nature of criminal activity has changed: muggers now hand out cards with “How’m I doin’?” on the front and a 1-800 number on the back that armed robbery customers can call to rate their experience. And, get victimized again if they’re foolish enough to give out their credit card information; but at least they’ll be in the right place to lodge a complaint.
“Oh, these are just facts,” chirped McDruhitmumpf administration’s spokesmoralandintellectualvacuum KellyAnne Conwaytwittiest. “Who are you going to believe – the police who have painstakingly been gathering statistics for, like, ever, or what the President knows in his heart to be true?”
“Uhh, the police?” Mayor dennuiBlaseohoh responded. “Seriously, is that even a question?”
Apparently, it is to the 34% of Vesampuccerians who told a Rasputinmusson poll that they somewhat, a little more than somewhat, a lot more than somewhat, more than somewhat but less than lots, a little more than lots, a lot more than lots, more than lots but less than a great deal, a great deal, a little more than a great deal, a lot more than a great deal, more than a great deal but less than a huge heaping amount, a little more than a huge heaping amount or a lot more than a huge heaping amount believed that President McDruhitmumpf was right on crime. (Even in an industry renowned for flakiness, Rasputinmusson’s polling methods are considered eccentric.)
Nobody quite knows why the President chose this moment to pick a fight with his home town. On the campaign trail, he wasn’t so specific about the locus of internal evil. At 2:37 on October 22nd, for example, he tweeped: “gang violins up in bad neighburhoods – you know the ones I mean, dont pretned you dont!” The President’s (appropriately called) base knew what “bad neighburhoods” he was referring to: predominantly black areas, especially those that were tragically situated in Dumbopratic states.
“This is just another example of government by distraction,” explained token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam on the afternoon of her release from hospital. “When something appears not to be going President McDruhitmumpf’s way – like, say, revelations that the Federal Bureau of Instigations was investigating his campaign’s connections to the Duchy of Grand Fenwick – he distracts from it – by, for instance, announcing that he is finally going to get rid of Bushbamclintreagbushcare. When Congress torpedoes that, he distracts attention from it by announcing a ban on travel from seven…or, maybe six countries that has nothing to do with the fact that they are predominantly Muslim, nope, nyunh uh, whatever gave you that silly idea, they just…looked at us the wrong way, is all, and, for the good of international amity, we can’t let them get away with it! …Anyway, when the courts strike down his travel ban, for whatever reason – or, maybe, no good reason at all other than the need to pander to his, there’s that word again, base – he distracts from that by insulting New Yoricknuhemwell. There are so many levels of distraction in play that it it makes Inception look like Tiny Talent Ti – wait, where…where have I heard that before?”
“The idea that this is government by distraction is absurd,” retorted Spirochetericer. “We are clearly focused on the issue of tax reform, which has been the President’s priority from the moment that he was elected!”
Distraction or not, President McDruhitmumpf’s comments have real consequences. “My grandmother Phernwoodomina refuses to go out in public now,” Mayor dennuiBlaseohoh pointed out, “and as the close relative of an elected official, she has an armed guard. Imagine how people I’m not related to must feel!”