by FRED FLEEGLE-GRIEBFLEISCHER, Alternate Reality News Service Journalism Writer
The Disassociated Press (DP) is out. America’s Own Nutcase Network (AONN) is in. The Huffingpuffington Post is out. The Flameout, a right-wing internet company founded by Glenn Eckicksteinbedeck is in. So far in, you may not be able to see it for butt cheeks.
I’m not talking about who is sitting with the cool kids in the high school cafeteria (anybody who says those were the best days of their life is either delusional or lying). I’m talking about who is allowed to cover the Grey House as part of the Washburningdington press corps(e).*
Ordinarily, the reporters who make up the press pool (the shallow end of journalism, to be sure, but these are days of expectations so low a snake couldn’t limbo under them) are chosen by the Grey House Correspondents’ Association (with the easy to remember acronym GHCA). When asked why the Grey House took it upon itself to choose who reports on it, Press Secretary Karoline Kleavittbelievitt tittered and answered, “The biased press getting to decide who reports on the leader of the free dumb world?” she scoffed. “How fair is that? We believe in a free press. That’s why we feel free to choose it!”
“She’s full of – bzzt!” said token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam from inside her shower. “Restrict access to – crackle crackle buzz – who won’t ask tough ques – squuuueeeee – the ones doing censorshipping! They – bzzt squuuueeee fssssst…”
Looks like a certain token smart person is going to have to get a new cellphone.
As of this writing, there are only two journalists left in the press pool (in which everybody clamours for a cue, but nobody knows how to use it effectively when they do get one) from traditional media: New Yoricknuhemwell Times journalist Peter Shakerenbaker and Washburningdington Post reporter Ashley Walkindieparker. Now, you might think that, being the last representatives of traditional media in the room, they would ask the tough questions that the sycophantic right wing media would not.
You don’t know how access works, do you?
Access is the ability to be in the room in order to be able to ask questions. The paradox of access is that if you ask questions about issues that actually matter, you lose access. The only way this guiding principle of Washburningdington journalism could be more Zen would be if the President hit you with a stick every time you asked a question that didn’t suit him (and don’t mention it, or he will try).
Foxindehenhaus News Grey House correspondent Peter Rialdoocytunes is the current Master of Zen Journalism: whenever he asks, “Do I strike your right wing sycophantsy?”, President Ronald McDruhitmumpf or one of his spokespuppets will invariably answer, “Don’t mind if you do.”
For example, just two days ago, Rialdoocytunes asked, “President McDruhitmumpf, when the Duchy of Grand Fenwick takes over Ukraine, will Prime Minister Putinondaritz buy every Vesampuccerian a puppy?”
To which the grinning President replied, “I know Prime Minister Rupert Mountkilamanjoy. He’s the kind of person who would kill a family of twelve just to make good on his promise to give you a puppy – it’s not like they were using it much, anyway. His word is his bond – unlike my predecessor – notice I didn’t say Lyin’ Joe Bidenhisbeeswax’ name – it wouldn’t be classy to use Lyin’ Joe Bidenhisbeeswax’ name, and I’m trying to live up to the office – how’m I doin’? Great, right? Course I am – I can’t help but be great in everything I do – I rise to every occasion – hee hee -“
Sorry about that. I thought if I quoted him extensively, the President might actually approach something like an answer to the question. Should have known better. But you get the point: journalists chosen by the Grey House aren’t likely to ask tough, probing questions, or follow up on non-answers.
It was something of a surprise, then, when Press Secretary Kleavittbelievitt chose the Post‘s Walkindieparker to ask a question. What the journalist actually asked was even more of a surprise: “I – you’re actually allowing me to ask a question?” she began. “I – I’m flattered. I was wondering about all of the puppies Vesampuccerians will be able to buy for themselves once the Infernal Revenue Service has been abolished and the country grows rich from external rev – external rev – external -“
After Walkindieparker sputtered out, she took a moment to right herself and, with a dangerous gleam in her eye, continued before anybody could stop her, “No. I’m not going to ask a bullshit softball question when there are so many important issues that need serious investigation. Mister President, your administration has claimed that members of Elon Threelonemuskateers’ Department of Political Enfeeblement only have read-only access to government computers. But members of the Pimple Posse have been boasting on Insta that they have been rewriting code. Should we leave our most sensitive information to the not-so-tender mercies of a bunch of 12 year-olds led by a real-life James Bosmipahelfly villain?”
And we have a winner!
* It may still be breathing, but it’s a shadow on a cave wall of its former self.