“Bud?”
“Larry?”
“Yeah. Hi. Listen -“
“You got a thermometer? I need to check the temperature in Hell.”
“Ha ha. Very funny.”
“Aren’t you the schmo who said if I ever phoned you again, you’d garrote my goldfish?”
“I…may have been a little hasty there.”
“Didn’t you say you would use rumours on the Internet to destroy the New York Stock Exchange just to have the pleasure of knowing all the stocks in my portfolio would go down in flames with it?”
“It was the heat of the moment…”
“So, to what do I owe the pleasure?”
“Bud, I’m running for governor of California.”
“Larry, couldn’t you have settled for strangling my goldfish? That would have been more humane, at least.”
“Can we focus, here, please?”
“Okay. I would have thought producing Giggly was suffering enough for one life. Why do you want to be governor of California?”
“Are you kidding? There are close to 200 candidates for the position, and hardly anybody’s gonna vote – after all, it’s a recall proposition, not an actual election. If I’m lucky, I could win with a dozen votes!”
“Larry, your commitment to democracy is touching, but I actually wanted to know what you were considering doing if you were actually – heaven forbid – elected.”
“I want to bring renewed fiscal sanity to this great state, not to mention getting more justice for the little guy. You know. I want to serve…The People.”
“Just like the other 198 candida – wait a minute. Wait just a minute, bubbelach. What do you know about the little guy? You’re worth half a billion dollars! You go to movie premiers around the world on your private jet! You married a Kennedy, for crying out loud, one of the most exclusive families -“
“Uhh, Bud?”
“Yeah.”
“I think you’re confusing me with Arnie.”
“Oh. You could be right.”
“You had me pegged right up to the Kennedy thing.”
“Larry?”
“Yeah?”
“Don’t flatter yourself.”
“A man can dream, can’t he? Anyway, this is exactly the problem I’m facing. Arnie has gotta be considered the front runner. He’s got the best tag lines. ‘Hasta la vista Gray Davis!’ ‘I’ll be back…in charge.’ I mean, how am I supposed to compete with that?”
“You want I should put together a writing staff to come up with some cheesy puns for your campaign?”
“I was thinking more along the lines of…a TV special.”
“A TV SPECIAL? NOW YOU’RE TALKING! Let’s call it…Night of 1,000 Candidates! We’ll promote it with a variation of the old MGM tag line: we have more candidates than there are in New Haven!”
“I thought you weren’t crazy about the whole pun thing…”
“Sweetie, this is show biz!”
“Actually, it’s politics.”
“SEMANTICS! I see this recall vote as being about inclusiveness. We’ll get porn star candidate Mary Carey to sing a duet with Hustler publisher candidate Larry Flynt. He’ll sing about the joy of breast implants, she’ll sing about making lap dances tax deductible! I guarantee you that that number alone will get out the disabled pornographers vote!”
“Uhh, Bud…”
“Imagine it! Gary Coleman bantering with Arianna Huffington! That would be worth the millions this recall vote is going to cost alone!”
“Bud.”
“Okay, Cruz Bustamente – he looks like a stiff. But, maybe if we put him on stage with Jennifer Lopez or…oh! Yes! We’ll start a rumour that he’s actually related to Penelope Cruz!”
“BUD!”
“Larry?”
“How is this supposed to help my campaign?”
“This is supposed to help your campaign? Babe, I’m talking about a 40 share minimum, here! Do you have any idea how much we’ll be able to charge for a 30 second spot? Screw your campaign!”
“I…I thought we were friends.”
“Hey – that’s politics.”
“I thought it was show biz.”
“SEMANTICS!”
“So, you’re not gonna help me with my campaign?”
“Sorry, babe, but I’m already picking cards out of my Rolodex – so many people to schmooze if I want to get The Night of 1,000 Candidates up and running before October 7th. Don’t take it personal, though.”
“No? How should I take it?”
“Silly boy. If you don’t win this recall election, just wait a year. There’ll be another recall of the new governor. And, uhh, next time?”
“Yeah?”
“Get yourself a memorable tag line.”