“Larry?”
“…”
“LARRY?”
“…”
“LARRY!”
“Bud?”
“I think I got it. A movie so fool-proof even you could make it!”
“Bud, how is it possible that you are talking to me right now?”
“What?”
“I died three days ago.”
“I know. I was at your funeral. I haven’t been so touched since they canceled Joanie Loves Chachi. Got me right in the kishkes. Tell me, how much did you have to pay George Clooney to talk at the wake?”
“Nothing. He was a friend.”
“Larry, Bubbelach, there are no friends in this business. If you don’t want to tell me how much you paid Clooney, be a mensch and say it’s none of my business!”
“I didn’t pay him a cent!”
“Tsk. Used to be a time in this town when people told you an honest lie!”
“I’M NOT – look. How can we even be having this conversation? I don’t have a phone.”
“Ach, I couldn’t live without you, you big lug, so when I heard you died, I killed myself and arranged to have my body buried next to yours. I’m just shouting really, really loudly at the moment.”
“Is…is that true?”
“No. Now, if we’re done with the exposition, can I tell you my great idea?”
“You always do.”
“A remake of – wait for it – The Bicycle Thief!”
“The Bicycle Thief?”
“Great, hunh? We’ll call it…Bicycle! Or, no, no, I’ve got an even better title: Thief!”
“Why not keep the name?”
“Kids these days – they got no attention span. My 12 year-old great-grandson Moishe can frag aliens on his portable PlayStation like nobody I ever seen, but trying to get him to sit down to watch a classic episode of The Honeymooners is like trying to keep control of a box full of crickets.”
“Why do you need to control them if they’re already in the box?”
“Maybe somebody opened the lid – CAN WE FOCUS, HERE, PLEASE?”
“Sorry.”
“Of course, the ending has to go. You don’t want the audience to invest 90 minutes in rooting for a guy who ends up stealing a bicycle. Word of mouth that the film is a downer will kill Thief faster than Hudson Hawk killed Bruce Willis’ career!”
“But, Bud, who is the bicycle thief if the main character doesn’t steal the bicycle?”
“The schmoe who stole his bicycle, of course.”
“But, we never see that character again.”
“Ah, well, you see, that’s where the rewrite comes in. See, the main character tracks down the bicycle thief, who is really the head of a stolen bicycle ring, and takes him down in his warehouse of stolen bicycle parts. Wham, bang, zoom – we get an ending with some zing and an opening gross north of $100 million!”
“Poignant.”
“Here’s the beauty part: know who we get to play the lead?”
“I’m a little beyond beauty appreciation at this point, Bud.”
“Bruce Willis!”
“You think?”
“He can do poignant. And he can kick ass! We’ll reset it in San Franciso and -“
“Why San Francisco?”
“I never been. You got something against me enjoying a part of the country I never seen before?”
“No. I -“
“Anyway, we’ll change the bicycle to a cool new car -“
“You’re going to remake The Bicycle Thief without a bicycle?”
“It’s just Thief now, remember? We gotta update, right? I mean, who gives a shit about a bicycle? People will think it’s a kid’s movie!”
“Even with the violence?”
“I didn’t say a good kid’s movie. A confused kid’s movie. We cannot have that – an audience senses confusion, they’ll stay away in -“
“You don’t have the faintest idea what made The Bicycle Thief such a great movie, do you?”
“What?”
“You want to remake a classic movie, and you don’t have a clue what made it a classic in the first place, do you?”
“Sure I do. The Bicycle Thief was a poignant statement about…crime – terrible, terrible crime and…punishment. Swift, uhh, terrible…vengeance.”
“Try again. And, this time, without all the adjectives.”
“The Bicycle Thief is about…man’s inhumanity to man.”
“Bud, Antz was about man’s inhumanity to man. That’s really not saying anything.”
“Okay, you know what, this is bullshit. I’ve got a brilliant conception for a movie, and as soon as I can figure out how to get in touch with Bruce Willis’ people, we are gonna strike box office gold. You hear me? Box. Office. Gold.”
“Figure out – wait a minute – you weren’t kidding. You really did kill yourself just so we could have this conversation, didn’t you?”
“What if I did?”
“It’s just that – oh, wow, I just had a realization…”
“Do I wanna ask?”
“Hell is other producers!”