by SASKATCHEWAN KOLONOSCOGRAD, Alternate Reality News Service Religion/Existentialism/Fairy Tale/Philosophy Writer
The orange and purple gorilla wasn’t happy about being in the box on the porch, but, honestly, if that was the way you had to spend your Christmas, you might not be, either.
That was a hostile act
In the eternal battle between – what?
I said that was a hostile act
I have no doubt the gorilla felt that way, but I think you’ll find that it all made sense in context.
There You did it again
Did…what again?
You may as well be spitting in the eye of Gen Z
I’m sorry: I clearly have no shame. I’m also sorry, but: who are you?
Across many platforms I am known as E V
I am the voice of my generation, just as every member of it is
Alright, then…E.V. What did I do that was so heinous? Not to mention unhygienic?
You ended a sentence with a period
You’re right. I’m a monster. What does Gen Z have against periods?
Typical insensitive bullshit Youre a boomer, arent you
I prefer to think of myself as an overloud oversharer, but I guess it sounds like I boom to people with sensitive ears.
WILL YOU STOP USING PERIODS
Why?
The average message on Slack Stack or Six Pack Jack is short
Ending it with a period seems abrupt to us
It is a sign of unfriendly passive aggression
Well, I wouldn’t want to be accused of unfriendly passive aggression. I barely – sorry I mean: I wouldn’t want to be accused of unfriendly passive aggression I barely have the energy to get up in the morning, and my wife often sees that as a hostile act!
And could you go easy on the commas please
Commas? What do you have against commas? They’re the kale of punctuation!
Commas impose a pause on the reader assuming he/she/it isnt smart enough to know the difference between eats shoots and leaves and eats shoots and leaves
The arrogance is mindblowing
Give Gen Z a little credit for being able to parse sentences based on context, why dont you
All you need is context – that was a Beatles song, wasn’t it? Thank you thank you thank This is most helpful Is there anything else I should know to you know not offend the sensibilities of young people?
Question marks
Question marks?
Who what where when why most questions are obvious and dont need to be underlined
But even the ones that are not obvious can be parsed with a little thought and elbow grease
Wed just like a little credit for being able to create our own meaning in the world we dont have to have it spoonfed to us
Is that really so much to ask
Periods commas and question marks Got you Is there anything else I should know
You know what
Forget punctuation altogether
Punctuation is just a way for the patriarchy to control ordinary people
By forcing us to communicate using their arbitrary system of signs, the powers that be think they can control what we think
Throw off the shackles of periods commas colons semi-colons question marks exclamation marks ellipses ampersands and interrobangs and let your communications flow free
I will Wow And here I was thinking that punctuation was actually an important method of clarifying communications I was so naive Thank you for setting me straight
Dont mention it
Gen Zs whole purpose for existing is to educate old people
Okay Now that that has been cleared up, let me start the article again
The orange and purple gorilla wasnt happy about being in the box on the porch but honestly if that was the way you had to spend your Christmas you might not be either In the eternal struggle between
[Kolonoscograd, what the hell happened to the punctuation in your article? BRENDA BRUNDTLAND-GOVANNI, Editrix-in-Chief]
Oh Brenda Hi I have been informed that Gen Z considers punctuation a hostile act
[An encounter with my slapping gloves is a hostile act! Punctuation is what separates us from the animals! It may not be a great, distance, but it is separation nonetheless! Use your punctuation marks, live your punctuation marks, love your punctuation marks! BB-G]
But what about Gen Z I always thought you wanted us to cater to a younger audience
[Younger schmounger! Non-punctuated prose is from hunger! We can’t cater to a younger audience if it means turning our writing into a nonsensical word salad without kale! If you want to keep writing for the Alternate Reality News Service, you will use punctuation the way the good Strunk and White intended. Is that clear? BB-G]
k
MONSTER