Good evening.
Our top story tonight: despite the Pentagon’s best information, Iraqis are actually fighting against the invasion, causing the American military to have to adjust – no, it isn’t! The top story is the outbreak of Serious Acute Respiratory Syndrome in Toronto hospitals – what? No way! Hundreds of civilians have been killed or injured in Iraq. How many have died of SARS? Six? – seven, actually. But, the important thing is that they were Canadians – okay, that’s good enough to put SARS second in the lineup. No, unless you have anything else to – people are getting bored of the war and our ratings are dropping.
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Ahem. Our top story tonight: SARS outbreak in Canada. Seven dead, dozens infected. People wearing surgical masks in the subway. We’ll have more on the SARS virus as it develops.
In other news: under criticism from China for its war on Iraq, the United States government has discovered to its shock – shock, I tell you – that Tiananmen Square is not a dance, but a human rights violation. At the rate they it’s alienating other nations, the US is going to have pin its hopes on a quick post-war recovery on trade with Venus.
Snipers have taken up positions in and around the Pentagon. Target? Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld. Their ammunition includes mounting casualties and the length of he battle. Unfortunately, our reporter in the field knows nothing about this. For a live report, we go to Chrissie Rainitpour, embedded in General Tommy Franks’ anus.
“Thanks, Rex. We’ve just had the most super briefing from the General’s lower intestine! I got to ride in an Abrams tank, and I gotta tell you, Rex, there’s no feeling quite like having 20 tons of rolling steel between your legs! Brrrr – if I had known it could be like this, I would have enlisted instead of going to journalism school!”
Chrissie?
“I think I pressed a wrong button and blew up a British tank, killing everybody in it, but, you know, reported animosity between us and our British allies are really overstated – they couldn’t have been nicer about it. Well, I suppose they could have shouted less, but who cares? They’re British!”
Chrissie!
“What?”
You are currently experiencing a battle high. When you come down in a coupe of hours, expect a wicked headache…and a possible civil suit from the families of the British soldiers you fragged.
“Giggle giggle.”
That was Chrissie Rainitpour, reporting live from Tommy Franks’ anus.
At a recent immigration hearing, famed Holocaust denier – and man who wields a hot Euchre hand – Ernst Zundel claimed that he was “the Gandhi of the right.” This will likely come as a surprise to his skinhead followers, whose favoured method of dealing with Jews is definitely not peaceful debate and non-violent protest. Zundel shouldn’t be deported – he should be given a regular spot on This Hour Has 22 Minutes!
In local news: the Ontario government is planning on fingerprinting and conducting credit and criminal background checks for employees who deal with potentially valuable documents like birth certificates and driver’s licences. Public Safety and Security Minister Bob “You Can Have All the Privacy You Can Pay For” Runciman mumbled something about “terrorism” and “show the bastards at OPSEU who’s boss.” Mmm…if you make working for the government as bad as being in prison, what will keep more people from turning to a life of crime?
Jacques Parizeau, commenting on the Provincial election in Quebec, said – oops, he has apologized and removed himself from the race. Boy – they work fast!
They have been called people with “profoundly disordered minds.” Their opponents claim their position stems from an “unresolved psychological conflict.” At the same time, they have “not stopped proclaiming, often in a disproportionate if not aggressive way, their ‘normality.’” Can anything be done about Catholics, like those who wrote the Lexicon On Ambiguous and Colloquial Terms about Family Life and Ethical Questions, who publicly flaunt their homophobia? Friends, they deserve our sympathy, not our condemnation.
In business news: ImClone must restate its 2001 financial results and postpone filing 2002 financial statements because it may have to pay $60 million in back taxes owed by former chief executive Sam Waksal. Insolvent telecom firm WorldCom is alleged to have moved expenses onto the books of its MCI unit in order to make its bottom line look better. PayPal, a unit of eBay, has been accused of money laundering because it processes payments for off-shore Internet casinos. Yep. No doubt about it. A short war will definitely ensure a strong economy.
Peter Smith, president of the Aerospace Industries Association of Canada, sent a letter to Prime Minister Chretien warning that the Liberal government’s decision not to support the American war in Iraq was hurting his industry. He could, however, offer no data or examples to back up his claim. Obviously, Smith learned rhetoric from the same school as President George Junior. Fear for Canadian business.
On the entertainment scene: “Bandages,” a song about a broken relationship, has been removed from rotation on BBC Radio One because it contains lyrics like: “These bandages cover more than scrapes/Cuts and bruises from regrets and mistakes.” Did I mention that the band, Hot Hot Heat, is Canadian? Hmm…it may just be a coincidence, it may, as they claim, simply be that the song contains too much violent imagery (even though it’s not a war song). Still, I’ll be watching the BBC very closely to see if they ban Nash the Slash because he wears bandages.
And, now, from the world of sports: the American Baseball League has ordered all teams to play “God Bless America” during the seventh inning stretch of opening day games, causing grumbling from some Toronto Blue Jays fans. The League Commissioner, saying he didn’t want any problems with non-American teams, offered a compromise: that they play “Blame Canada” instead.
On a lighter note, owing to ill-will caused by France’s threatened veto of the American war resolution in the United Nations Security Council, sales of French’s mustard have plummeted. The joke’s on Americans, though: French was the name of the American founder of the company, which has never actually been owned by anybody French. Ha ha. Hmm…nobody laughed in bankruptcy court, either.
And, finally: snow! April Fool’s!
Good night.