Bigotry Reels From Another Body Blow: a motion adding sexual orientation to the list of prohibited categories of discrimination shepherded through Parliament by NDP member Svend Robinson is passed. “This was another victory for tolerance, fairness and change,” Alliance leader Stephen Harper bitterly comments. “You people never learn, do you?”
Bigotry Once Again Picks Itself Up Off the Mat and Comes Back Swinging: the Canadian Alliance tables a motion to reserve marriage for opposite sex couples, claiming it would nullify same sex marriages. “Best three out of five?” Harper asks with a twinkle in his eye. “You people never learn, do you?”
Mother Nature’s a Bitch: Hurricane Isabel devastates parts of the United States. Congressmen convince President George W. Bush Isabel is actually a Middle Eastern terrorist, securing his support for aid to the stricken areas.
“From the Baskin and Robbins that no longer exists in the plaza at Sheppard and Bathurst, this is The Irrational with Joe Anchor.”
Relations between Canada and the United States? Don’t ask! Unfortunately, as Subaru Debutante reports, the Americans will tell you whether you ask or not…
“Richard Perle, often referred to as ‘President George W. Bush’s left parietal lobe,’ has been complaining about the Chretien government’s lack of support for the war on Iraq. ‘When you have a friend who has a vital concern, even if you don’t entirely agree, it is just good friendly practice to defer to that vital concern…’ Perle said. When asked what good friendly practice is when you see a drunken friend get behind the wheel, Perle replied, ‘Sit next to him while he’s plowing into pedestrians and claim ignorance when the police come around and ask if you know what happened.’
“Meanwhile, American political columnist Anne Coulter, who is so fearless in her opinions that she doesn’t care if foam from her mouth drips onto her power suits, commented, ‘Canada? We should send invade their country, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity.’ When it was pointed out that over 75 per cent of Canadians were already Christian, Coulter responded, ‘Well, we better force ’em to get baptized again, because it obviously didn’t take the first time!’ For The Irrational, this is Subaru Debutante.”
Yep – it sure is a shame that the Canadian government isn’t more supportive of President Bush’s policies. Wouldn’t want us to think we were a separate country or nothin’.
I can say that because Canada’s media are separate from those of the United States. But, how long will that last? Monique Moosehead has part of the answer.
“Canada’s competition watchdog was told that loosening foreign ownership limits in the cable television and telecommunications industry would spur competition. Sure. For about five minutes – just until every everything that wasn’t nailed down was bought by the five foreign (mainly American) companies that dominate the media landscape. But, those five minutes would sure make Joseph Schumpeter proud! For The Irrational, this is Monique Moosehead in Ottawa.”
My head’s spinning just thinking about it.
And, speaking of spinning, Mel Lastman made his final speech as Mayor of Toronto, and Anson Bergecheck – who has been drawing short straws all his life – was there.
“Mel Lastman made his final speech as Mayor of Toronto, saying, ‘I’m going to miss you guys. I’m going to miss all of you.’ There wasn’t a dry eye in the room…until the inquiry into the MFP scandal found that concessions offered by the company in its successful computer-leasing bid were not included in the final contract because bureaucrats didn’t insist upon them, at which point everybody groaned and went back to business as usual. In Toronto, this is Anson Bergecheck.”
I liked Mel better when he was the star of his own TV commercial.
And, speaking of being the star of your own TV commercial…that has nothing to do with the following report.
“The largest ice shelf in the Arctic is breaking up. In response, a Fraser Institute study has suggested that Canada cube the ice and sell it to the United States to freshen up their mixed drinks. From Calgary, this is Indigo Skye reporting for The Irrational.”
I blame trees.
And, speaking of blame – and, isn’t that everybody’s favourite pastime? – what did Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein do to invite an American invasion of his country? As Germaine Tims-Stimson reports, apparently nothing to do with terrorism.
“In an aside to an unofficial meeting with unnamed journalists, President George Bush whispered something that sounded like, ‘There is no roof or anything on that Seven Eleven.’ Big brains at The Irrational have been using advanced audio enhancement techniques not seen since The Conversation to decipher the full text of the message. It is now believed that what the President actually said was, ‘There is no proof that Iraq had anything to do with 9/11.’ White House sources are denying that the President actually said this, but they are also denying that the President ever claimed there was a connection between Saddam Hussein and Al Qaeda. In fact, our White House sources have gone so far as to deny that they are White House sources.
“In a related story, The Irrational has received the following press release: ‘The United States is pleased to announce that it will be conducting a fire sale of Iraqi assets, and you won’t believe your eyes! (Well, those of you who still have eyes – the rest can use their imaginations.) Highways? Marked down from $3 billion to $29.95! That’s a reduction of a whopping 99.999999 per cent! Why, we’re practically giving them away! Health care? Make us an offer! Hospitals that cost $100 million to build will go for $19.95! Insurance? It’s going for a song – literally! Sing to the White House and they’ll give it away to you! And, right now, a special on public utilities you won’t be able to pass up: buy two water filtration plants, get one free! Yes, it’s all here at Crazy George’s Iraqi Free-for-all. Just don’t ask about the oil industry…’
“It should come as no surprise that the United States intends to cede absolutely no decision-making power in Iraq to the United Nations – they’ve already promised it to Halliburton, Bechtel and a host of other US-based multinational corporations. This is Germaine Tims-Stimson in Washington.”
Mothers. Givers of life. Nurturers. Health hazard? Irrational transportation and human sacrifices reporter Pallas Athena has the scoop.
“Several nursing American mothers have been found to have record high amounts of flame retardant chemicals in their breast milk, according to a US study. The bromine-based fire retardants impair attention, learning, memory and behaviour in lab rats. On a positive note, the women are at far lower risk of spontaneously combusting. This is Pallas Athena in Chicago.”
He couldn’t make it on radio as the Canadian Rush Limbaugh, but he does give The Irrational a right-wing commentator to battle our image as a bastion of unrepentant lefties. He is, of course, the phlegmatic, if slightly incomprehensible, T-Rex Murphy.
“The Conservative Party and the Canadian Alliance are having openly secret talks on the possibility of a merger of the two parties. The Conservatives have nothing to lose – after all, with the Paul Martin leadership sewn up, the Liberals have effectively become the Conservatives. (This became obvious when The Globe and Mail ran an editorial claiming Martin was still a Liberal.) Unfortunately, the New Democratic Party hasn’t taken the hint, because it has moved exactly nowhere, leaving it in danger of remaining the New Democratic Party. This is T-Rex Murphy, being grumpy in Antigonish.”
Later in the broadcast: actor Gordon Jump has died at the age of 71. Turkeys everywhere will be flying at half mast…