1) Conservative leader Erin O’Toole has tried to preempt attacks by the Liberals that he would make steep spending cuts. How has he done this?
a) he hid the knives in a place that only he knows
b) he has foregone the pleasure of running down hallways brandishing scissors
c) he bought himself a jet – nobody can say that he doesn’t know how to spend money!
2) Is the United States a Constitutional democracy or a mobocracy run by a demented television clown?
a) the demented television clown has been voted out of office, so…neither?
b) the demented television clown has been voted out of office, but has never admitted that he lost and is plotting his return to power even as we speak, so…both?
c) let’s let history be the judge…
3) How do we build a culture that cares?
a) start with a culture that ran out of ferks and work backwards
b) start with a culture that scares and work at a 73 degree angle to it
c) start with people who care and…umm…how important is building a culture that cares to you?
4) What do Senator Don Plett, Ontario MP David Sweet, Alberta Municipal Affairs Minister Tracy Allard, Alberta MLA Tany Yao, Quebec MNA Pierre Arcand, Saskatchewan Highways and Water Security Minister Joe Hargrave, Ontario MPP Rod – you know what? I’m going to stop it there. You get the idea. What do all of those people have in common?
a) they’re getting a little shaggy in the back and could probably use a haircut
b) they travelled outside of Canada for pleasure while their governments were telling citizens to avoid unnecessary travel in order to stem the spread of COVID-19 (apparently, nobody ever told them to stop and smell the entitlement)
c) they had a lisp when they were children that they overcame in their teen years
5) When people don’t want to talk about somebody else dying, they use the word “passed.” What do dead people pass?
a) the bar
b) the buck
c) go and collect $200
d) out
e) the lead car
f) the hat around
g) the halfway mark
h) in the left-hand lane
i) legislation
j) days of future
k) the duchy by the left-hand side
l) wind
m) other (but you’re going to find it hard to beat answer l))
6) Kim Cattrall has made it very clear that she has no intention of participating in a Sex and the City revival. Nonetheless, it has been announced that one is going to be produced. This is like…
a) …The Three Musketeers only having three musketeers.
b) …a Three Musketeers chocolate bar without the chocolate.
c) …the three blind mice after one of them has had corrective laser surgery.
7) What is “competitive authoritarianism?”
a) when dictators get together for poker night, one of them bets 10 public executions on his hand and the one to his right sees the 10 and raises 20 additional executions
b) a planned Olympic event (don’t tell the IOC they’re not up to date!)
c) a contest to see who can eat the most buttered asparagus spears in ten minutes (or…is that competitive vegetarianism?)
8) The Treaty on the Prohibition of Nuclear Weapons has officially become international law. The Treaty, which was designed to avoid another Hiroshima, has been signed by 120 nations. Of course, none of the countries that actually have nuclear weapons have signed it. In international relations, this is known as:
a) a moral victory.
b) an important first step.
c) a colossal waste of time and resources.
d) Robert.
9) One of Joe Biden’s first acts as President was to disband the 1776 Commission, a Trump era relic whose goal was to show that there were good people on both sides of the Civil War. What is your reaction to this?
a) it’s outrageous! There weren’t good people on both sides of the Civil War! Everybody knows that all the people on the northern side were evil bastards!
b) the Civil War happened before I was born, so meh
c) there was a 1776 Commission?
10) How can you have any pudding if you don’t eat your meat?
a) theologians are unanimous on this issue: they agree that eating eating vanilla without first eating meat would be a venial sin, but that good Christian diners can eat chocolate or butterscotch with the lord’s blessing even if they don’t eat their meat. Special dispensations rock!
b) one forkful at a time, just like I eat my soup
c) I don’t know – I just eat what the people in the home put in front of me!
11) Being governor general is more than just a symbolic role. What is it?
a) a job for somebody who wants pudding even though they haven’t eaten their meat
b) a fine piece of timekeeping technology that will last you a lifetime (as long as you’re 95 years old)
c) a symbolic role with your choice of 12 condiments, including ketchup, mustard, relish and porcelain tea cups
12) What is the most impressive statistic you have read in the last week?
a) 87% of the public believes that 99% of the public doesn’t know what 12% of the public is talking about 37% of the time. + or – three percentage points 9 times out of 7
b) the duck-billed platypus contains 97.7% of the same DNA as Kevin McCarthy
c) people who eat their pudding without eating their meat are 95.38689% as likely to enjoy their meal as people who eat their pudding after eating their meat
d) other
13) What did you learn from the statistic?
a) that you can prove anything as long as you remember to put the percentage sign after the number (putting the percentage sign before the number is only common in Mexico and certain jails in the British highlands; anywhere else, it just confuses people)
b) how to play Beethoven’s fifth symphony on a kazoo
c) how easy it is to run a humorous Pink Floyd reference into the ground
d) other
14) What is the one good thing American President Donald Trump did for Canada?
a) force us to renegotiate NAFTA with the US and Mexico because he wanted the United States to come first in the title of the trade act
b) force us to ignore Canadian citizens languishing in a Chinese jail as retaliation for Canada jailing a Chinese citizen the United States alleges is a spy
c) not be born here
15) And, they say Joe Biden is going to be a problematic President for Canada?
a) absolutely! He’s obsessed by making sure Americans get decent paying jobs that should rightfully go to Canadians! Selfish bastard!
b) yeah, but they also say that cancer is good for you, so what is their opinion worth?
c) meh – pundits gotta pund
16) Bono still hasn’t found what he’s looking for. He’s told us all of the things he’s found, but what was he looking for?
a) his glasses (he can’t see the top of his head, smartass)
b) his mojo (he can’t see his head chakra, smartass)
c) a reason for the existence of Zooropa
17) So, Donald Trump was acquitted in a Senate impeachment trial for the second time. What would it take for the Senate to find somebody guilty?
a) if they shot a person in the middle of Fifth Avenue in the middle of the day, dozens of people shot video of it on their phones, and they confessed to the crime…probably…
b) a hallucinogenic substance introduced into the air circulation system of the Senate chamber
c) a Democratic super-majority
18) What is “Frazzledrip?”
a) a new do that some bored hairdressers created in their COVIDly copious free time
b) Jackson Pollock’s painting style
c) many people’s response to Jackson Pollock’s painting style
d) b) and c)
e) proof that Marjorie Taylor Greene has drunk, snorted, injected and otherwise introduced into her body the Q-Anon Qoolaid
19) Russia has an incarceration rate of 334 inmates per 100,000 people. It is far higher than any other country in Europe, but only half of that of the United States. How does Prime Minister Vladimir Putin justify this?
a) “We may be number two, but we try harder.”
b) “We may not jail as many people as the United States, but we don’t execute as many people as the US, either. At least, not officially…”
c) “I need to justify this? To you‽ I need to justify anything to anybody‽“
20) A lawyer had to attend a court hearing as a cat because his child had turned a filter on his computer on and he did not know how to turn it off. How could this have been worse?
a) his child could have activated the meow app connected to the software
b) the judge could have had the same problem and appeared at the hearing as a dog
c) the cat could have been Garfield
d) all of the above