Hello, children. My name is Joshua Shapiro. I’m a producer at Soft and Squishy Films. We make TV shows like Strike Force Seven and Sex All Over the City. I’d like to thank Principal Dumbrowski for giving me the opportunity to teach this class, and I would especially like to thank Premier Ernie Eves and his government for allowing experts to teach in our high schools without any previous experience or training. God bless low standards.
Okay, this is Media Appreciation 101. To start, I’d just like to mention the battle between fucking John Manley and – what’s that, little Timmy? What? Your name is Achmed? Who’s the moron who drew up the seating plan? What? Okay, okay, yes, I know this is only grade six – I’ll try to use appropriate language.
So, anyway, fucking John Man – fucking Jo – fuck – fu – fu – fu – you know what, kids? I can’t find a clean way of talking about John Manley. Let’s make a deal, okay? I’ll refer to…him as little as possible, and nobody tells Principal Dumbrowski. Okay? Okay.
Fucking John Manley decided to remove $25 million from the CFT. So many TV productions depend on this money tha – what, the CFT? It’s a television production fund. What’s a – look. It’s like…it’s like an allowance for TV producers. Yeah, yeah, I’m sure you’d all like to have that kind of allowance, but, like, 12 year-olds, you don’t have the kind of below the line costs that TV producers have. Don’t worry if you don’t exactly understand – I’ll get to that in the second half of the course.
Anyway, Sheila Copps, is Heritage Minister, okay? She’s the one responsible for federal funding of cultural production in Canada. And, boy, is she furious with fucking John Manley, who is responsible for the budget. No, not budgie. Budget. Funding. Moolah. Dineros. Copps promises to restore the funding, but guess what. Fucking Manley isn’t budget budging, and she doesn’t have the money herself.
Why is this such a pisser? Cuz they’re both running for the leadership of the Liberal Party. It’s all fu – darn politics. Fucking Manley thinks cutting funds for the CFT will give Copps a black eye with her constituency – the 12 people in the country who actually give a…care about Canadian culture. And, the worst part of it is that while they dicker over whether to fund TV shows, neither of them has a hope in hell of actually winning the leadership.
So – what’s that, little Tammy? What? Aoki? Whatever. You don’t understand? What’s to understand? Okay. Okay. It’s like this…your mom and dad are going through a messy divorce, and your dad decides to cut your allowance to spite your mom. Money’s tight and she can’t afford to make up the difference. So, you can’t buy as many comic books as you – what? Okay. Video games. Whatever. Is it fair you should have to go without the latest games because your parents hate each other’s guts?
I didn’t think so.
Okay. So – what’s that, little – what the hell’s your name? Kazerbian? What’s it like on a set? Boring. Really boring. A dozen people you don’t know with titles you can’t remember are doing jobs you can’t even begin to imagine. Every two or three hours, the actors do you a favour and come out of their trailers so that a shot can be put in the can. Then, the whole thing happens all over again. It’s like Hebrew school, only worse. Yeah. Right. Sunday school. Whatever.
What? And leave show business?
So – what? Michelle Mandrake? She’s not the bitchiest actress I ever had to – hey! Wait just a second, here! How do you know the name of the star of Sex All Over the City? You shouldn’t be watching that show! I don’t care if you do have cable in your bedroom! What – what’s your name? Timmy? Funny.
No, I’m sure the rumours she did a porn film when she was younger are totally – okay! That’s it! Let’s stick to the lecture plan, okay? Hmm…tell you what. I won’t tell Principal Dumbrowski about how much you know about Sex All Over the City if you don’t tell him about my…language lapses. Deal? Deal.
So, uhh, nobody knows how this funding battle is gonna play out, but you could end up seeing a lot less Canadian comedy and drama on your screens next season as a result.
Okay. So, if that’s that, let’s look at the assigned reading. How many of you have read chapter one of Making It…?