by DIMSUM AGGLOMERATIZATONALISTICALISM, Alternate Reality News Service International Writer
Canadians have a reputation for politeness. You could say they polite their enemies, polite them to within an inch of their lives. Sneaky bastards.
In the latest round of North Vesampuccerian Free Trade Agreement (NVFTA – pronounced…you got me) talks held in Ottawa (which thinks it’s the nation’s capital because nobody in Moosejaw has the heart to tell it otherwise), President Ronald McDruhitmumpf was seated in a chair so big it made the regal seat everybody was fighting so bloodily over in House of Thrones look like the chair for a child’s tea party. You know: too small for adults to sit on without comic effect. Thinking he was being honoured, the President grinned like he had just swallowed a canary (in a McCanary Combo, with a side and a large drink, it makes for an economical, if not entirely nutritious meal).
In fact, the seat was fitted with the latest in lie detection technology: the BDSM/IRA (Bullshit Detection and Selection Mechanism employing Ideational Relationship Analysis). The only reason we know this is because BDSM/IRA was created at the Vesampuccerian Poynter Sisters Institute, which used its Canadian experience in a Superbowl ad.
Did we mention sneaky bastardness?
The Canadian government defended the use of the technology, claiming that the president was known to lie. Prodigitally. Prodigylously. Prodigilfiddlou – often. He was known to lie often.
In the Grey House’s defense, Press Secretary Sarah Wannabe-Panders stated, “But, thuh president would never lie to Prime Minister Tymeerutiendoh. Thuh Prime Minister’s eyes would get all big and round and his lips would get all pouty and sad and thuh President would melt into a big puddle of goo. And, it’s hard to negotiate international trade negotiations when you’re goin’ gooey all over thuh place!”
Unfortunately, this rationale was invalidated by the president himself when audio of him talking at a private funraiser (it’s like a fundraiser, but with more politicians willing to admit they act like clowns) was released to the public. “Did I tell the Prime Minister of Canada, Too Pretty Justin, that they had a trillion kabillion dollar trade surplus with us?” President McDruhitmumpf laughed. “It could be true. I don’t know. You have to read things to, you know, know things. You all know how hard and boring reading is. I know you do. So, you understand what I’m saying. I gotta tell you, though – the look on Too Pretty’s face? Priceless!”
As it happens, Canada buys more goods from the United States than it sells, which means that the US is actually the country with the surplus. Does this country’s sneaky bastardy know no limits?
Apparently, it does. According to Mohindar Apparatchiknik (who was too polite to ask for anonymity), an Adjunct Eclectician in the Canadian Ministry of Vesampuccerian Understanding and Appeasement, the test gave results that were not credible. Stripped of its jargon (which is the seventh least sexy way to reveal anything): the president believed that everything he said was true. Every. Single. Word.
“Whether it was his statement that Global Hot as Hellification was caused by mutant terrorist earthworms,” Apparatchiknik explained, “or claiming that Melanoma doesn’t touch him because she is afraid of getting New Yoricknuhemwell cooties, the BDSM/IRA told us that the president believed that everything he said was true. All of it. Every. Single. Word. We…we were not expecting that!”
That’s not the half of it (more like the thirty-two sixty-ninths of it). At one point in the trade discussions, President McDruhitmumpf said that he would absolutely, positively, triple pinky swear exempt Canada from tariffs on steel toed boots; at another point, he said that any tariff the United States of Vesmpucceri levied on one foreign nation would absolutely, positively, quadruple pinky swear with a triple lutz be universal, with no exceptions, because who needed the paperwork? And, anyway, that was the only fair thing to do.
According to the BDSM/IRA, the president believed both positions to be equally true.
“It’s long been understood that politicians lie,” said token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. “But, they don’t usually boast about it in front of a large group of people, most of whom are in clown makeup. This is absurd behaviour even from somebody known as the Wreckettralphbeckett of politics! Was Ronald McDruhitmumpf subjected to some weird medical experiment where he was deprived of all human contact for the first six years of his life?”
Interesting observation, token smart person. It’s just this kind of intriguing speculation that makes it so great to have you back.
“Have me back?” token smart person Sheshutshotshitbam asked. “What are you talking about?
[Ixnay on the elcomway ackbay! She doesn’t know! She doesn’t know! BB-G]
What? Oh. Umm…
“We’re in uncharted waters, here,” Apparatchiknik summed up. “And, I left my scuba equipment in my other pair of pants!”