by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Because Chaos President and Chaos Adviser both thrive on…pandemonium, they can work well together. Up to a point. When that point has been reached, no telenovela can compete with the sheer shrieking insanity of the confrontation – or its entertainment value.
Chaos Adviser is one of those people who, in the words of the immortal philosopher Alfred the butler, “just wants to watch things burn.” Chaos President, on the other hand, is willing to allow a little burning if he can make a killing on the reconstruction afterwards; but if everything burned to the ground, who would be left to read his tweeps telling the world how amazing Chaos President was?
As the Venn diagram of their interests slowly diverges, astute politics watchers can see the train wreck up ahead. Then, not so astute politics watchers. Then, Foxindehenhaus viewers. Finally, Foxindehenhaus anchors. When you’ve lost Foxindehenhaus anchors, time to sell your stock in the railroad.
Chaos Adviser assumes that he is the smartest person in any room, a point of view he rarely shares with Chaos President, who knows he is the smartest person in any room. Chaos Adviser will bear this with the fortitude becoming of a man who is Fated For Greatness: he will anonymously leak information that other members of the administration have questioned Chaos President’s fitness to lead.
A much bigger problem for Chaos Adviser than the easily flattered Chaos President will be all of the idiots Chaos President has surrounded himself with, including family members and cronies from his days as a corrupt real estate developer. They will advise Chaos President that he shouldn’t burn everything to the ground because moderation is an important value for bullshit bullshit bullshit. Chaos Adviser will bear this ignominy secure in the knowledge that history favours the bold…and those who leak incriminating information to the press about their myriad enemies.
Chaos President tends to be disengaged, but even he recognizes when his administration is threatened. And, he responds with a strategy honed from years of dealing with cronies from his days as a corrupt real estate developer: externally, he condemns the leaks as fake news; internally, he rails against the leaker. “Bring me his head!” is not uncommon during this phase, “Will nobody rid me of this meddlesome crony?” being too chichi.
Things get worse from there, as Chaos Adviser will get into increasingly loud shouting matches with Less Devoted to Chaos Advisers. At some point, Chaos President will find these meeting unhelpful (although he will continue to watch them for their entertainment value), at which point he will demand that everybody grow up.
Nobody will point out the irony (mostly because Chaos President has surrounded himself with people who have been inoculated against it).
Eventually, Chaos President will have to act. Either fire Chaos Adviser or fire everybody else around him. Tough choice. Chaos Adviser will get a lovely plaque for his service to the country.
You know that old saying keep your friends close and your enemies within stabbing distance? That cuts both ways. Freed of having to play nice…ish with the other advisers, Chaos Adviser will give his honest appraisal of everybody in the Grey House. On the record.
Why he would do this will be a matter of no small amount of graduate theses. Was he so sure that his preferred candidate in Alabota would win the special election that he thought he would have enough power to ride out the response to his quotes? (SPOILER ALERT: Chaos Adviser’s preferred candidate did not win the Alabota special election.) Did he not realize that Chaos can often backfire on those who wield it? Is Chaos Adviser maybe just not as smart as he thinks he is?
Chaos Adviser will be excoriated by Chaos President, but he ascribes to the ancient wisdom that “sticks and stones might break my bones, but tweeps will never hurt me.” What will hurt him, though, is when his donors realize that, while he has served them well, Chaos Adviser does not have the power to sign legislation. Potentially robbed of his means of support, Chaos Adviser will stand his ground, publicly proclaiming, “When I said that Chaos President’s son’s brain should be explored for signs of intelligence, I wasn’t actually talking about Chaos President’s son – I was talking about his campaign manager!”
Even if that implausibility were true, it still would not absolve Chaos Adviser of the dozens of other calumnies that he did not walk back.
In the eternal struggle between Chaos President and Chaos Adviser, Chaos President always wins. Always. However, somewhere in the bowels of the nation’s capitol, Chaos Adviser bides his time, plotting. Ever plotting. Next time, he is certain, he will prevail. Next time.