The Name Game: Thatcher is allowed to have a parole hearing under the “faint hope” provision of the Parole Act. Hmm…really? I didn’t know the former British Prime Minister was being held in a Canadian jail…
The Fame Game: Canadian media mogul Israel “Izzy” Asper dies suddenly at the age of 71. In tribute, CanWest Global television stations play six hours of Friends reruns. “Dad would have been proud,” Leonard “Not Izzy” Asper says.
The Blame Game: On-again off-again merger talks between the Progressive Conservative and Canadian Alliance parties appear to be off again as their leaders cannot agree on whether the earth is round, the sky is blue or if they are even engaged in discussions of a merger, although both agree that the other is to blame for the impasse…assuming there is one.
“From the table at the Hard Rock Café right under Madonna’s bustier, this is The Irrational, with Joe Anchor.”
Ontario Premier Dalton “Who’s Howdy Doody Now? Hunh? Who’s Freakin’ Howdy Doody Now?” McGuinty has asked that all government cutbacks be halted until his Liberal government can take power amid growing suspicion that the province’s finances will make it impossible for him to keep all his campaign promises. However, as Anson Bergecheck reports, what everybody really wants to know is how long can we here at The Irrational continue to bash the Tories?
“Still picking up the pieces of last week’s election rout, the Ontario Conservative Party is turning on its own, with many members claiming that the whiz (no longer) kids in the backrooms led the party down the wrong electoral path. ‘It’s unfortunate that we didn’t do a better job in ensuring that folks knew who Ernie Eves really was,’ commented former Municipal Affairs Minister David Young. Oh, I don’t know. Somebody who is willing to take on a persona with which he is clearly uncomfortable just to win favour with voters – I think Ontarians saw exactly who Ernie Eves was. For The Irrational, this is Anson Bergecheck reporting from Toronto.”
Despite all of his country’s current engagements, American President Bush is picking a fight with a declawed and toothless tiger. As Subaru Debutante reports, Cuban exiles in Florida are licking their lips at the thought of tiger steak.
“Courting the ‘cluelessly self-interested vote,’ American President George W. Bush stated that Cuba was in league with Al Qaeda, and that ridding the country of dictator Fidel Castro was necessary to ensure that the US didn’t suffer a really, really bad terrorist attack. At the same time, Vice President Dick ‘Now You Don’t See Me, Now You Really Don’t’ Cheney surfaced to slam critics of the war on Iraq, claiming that the US had to rid that country of dictator Saddam Hussein to ensure that the US didn’t suffer a really, really bad terrorist attack. When it was pointed out to Cheney that the President had admitted that there was no credible evidence linking Hussein to Al Qaeda and that his anti-terrorist rhetoric had moved on, Cheney muttered, ‘Well, hell, I’ve been busy gutting environmental laws to reward our friends in the oil and other industries – how am I supposed to keep up with this shit?’ I’m sure you’ll be getting a memo on that shortly, Dick. From Washington, this is Subaru Debutante reporting.”
Kind of makes you wish the war on terrorism was public and the political posturing was secret, doesn’t it? I bet Jason Petersburgovitz feels that way, since it would mean that he wouldn’t have to file reports like the following.
“A Chaplain at Guantanamo Bay has been arrested. Word is that he was mistranslating questions asked of prisoners. When the interrogating officer asked if one prisoner had any contact with key Al Qaeda operatives, for instance, a transcript of the interrogation shows that the Arabic translator actually asked if the prisoner knew any show tunes from Hello, Dolly. Expect the Chaplain’s superior to be arrested under suspicion of collusion with the enemy next week, and his superior the week after. Like the snake swallowing its own tail, when the chain of threats to American security leads to President Bush, then we might finally be getting somewhere. This is Jason Petersburgovitz reporting from a safe distance from Guantanamo Bay.”
The Middle East. Who can understand it? Germaine Tims-Stimson tries.
“In response to the Haifa suicide bombing that killed 19 Israelis, Mohammed al-Mohammed, a spokesperson for Islamic Dunciad, stated: ‘My little Maryam wants to stay in school and become a teacher. At the tender age of 12, she has renounced violence and hopes to lead a movement that will bring peace to the region, and then the world. Oh, and, get this: she wants me to arrange a marriage with her so she can settle down and have 12 children. Allah, what have I done wrong?’
“The following day, Palestinian leader Yasser Arafat had what has been described as ‘a mild heart attack.’ Apparently, even he couldn’t stomach the Haifa bombing.
“In a related story, according to Prime Minister Ariel Sharon, ‘Israel will not be deterred from defending its citizens and will hit its enemies any place and in any way.’ To prove he meant business, Israeli warplanes bombed the headquarters of the British Broadcasting Corporation in London. Asked for a response, American President George Bush said, ‘Yeah. Sure. Whatever the Israelis want. Say, does my father’s old military uniform make me look Presidential?’ Reporting from wherever the wind takes me, this is Germaine Tims-Stimson.”
Did you know that Jian Gezundheight was in a rock band at his high school before he came to report for us? I know what you’re thinking, but, actually, what better grounding for spreading celebrity gossip could there be?
“The longest running soap opera in Ottawa – Dude, Where’s My Funding? – started a new season this week. The plot was familiar: Canadian film and television celebrities – using the term in its broadest sense – schmoozing with politicians and begging them for more government funds for homegrown entertainment. Perennials Sonja Smits and Paul Gross were delightful, as always, as themselves, and Sarah Polley almost stole the show as the young diva torn between her need to act in productions in her home country and seek fame and fortune working with independent producers throughout the world. Curiously, lead Paul Martin was leaden and unconvincing as the Prime Minister, but he’ll probably have plenty of time to settle into the role. There was a serious lack of dramatic tension as the resolution of the plot – Martin giving the entertainment community a lecture on fiscal responsibility – was utterly predictable. But, what the hell: like most Canadian films and television shows, Dude, Where’s My Funding? was never expected to get a large audience. This is Jian Gezundheight in Ottawa.”
Fortunately, news divisions have always been exempt from the pressures of the marketplace. And, no, I’m not being ironic – news anchors were bred for our air of gravity, and, irony, seen as a negative trait, was bred out of us generations ago. Eloise Tendentious – with whom I had a brief fling in Banff several years ago – would attest to that, if she didn’t have to give us the following report on something much more important.
“The future of Las Vegas illusionist act Siegfried and Roy was put into doubt when Roy Horn (the Roy part of Siegfried and Roy) was mauled by a tiger and ended up in critical condition in the hospital. Before he went in to surgery, Horn asked that nothing be done to the tiger, but it may already be too late. According to Irrational sources, reputed mob boss Tony Soprano has offered a substantial reward – perhaps as much as $1 million – for anybody who can bring him the head of the tiger who attacked Horn. ‘Vegas ain’t gonna be the same without Siegfried and Roy, and I want the son of a bitch who did this to pay,’ Soprano is reported to have said. From Las Vegas – and don’t you wish you were me right about now? – this is Eloise Tendentious for The Irrational.”
I’ll bet trade and commerce reporter Monique Moosehead wishes she were Eloise Tendentious right about now, but she had to file the following report anyway…
“Analysts are expecting a rush – no pun intended – even though puns are always intended – to buy stock in the pharmaceutical companies that produce the painkillers OxyContin, Lorcet and hydrocodone. Apparently, now that radio celebrity Rush Limbaugh has admitted to an addiction to these painkillers, millions of ‘dittoheads’ are expected to blindly follow him into addiction. Law enforcement officials across the United States have been warned to be on the alert for rabidly right-wing drivers under the influence, although I suspect the worst damage might be from radio celebrities offering political commentary under the influence. This is Monique Moosehead reporting from New York.”
Later in the broadcast, Project Thread turns into Project Unraveling Thread…