They say that you don’t want to know how two things are made: food and law. Not being a chef, I cannot speak to the former, but this is why there the latter makes sense:
WHITE HOUSE: The American banking system is in crisis and IF WE DON’T DO SOMETHING WITHIN THE NEXT TEN SECONDS, THE WHOLE WORLD WILL IMPLODE! Here is our plan.
CONGRESS: That’s not a plan – it’s a cocktail napkin.
WHITE HOUSE: It’s a plan to deal with the banking crisis. A serious plan – it’s two and a half pages long.
CONGRESS: That’s a cocktail napkin and two pieces of Kleenex.
WHITE HOUSE: SEVEN SECONDS TO WORLD IMPLOSION! TAKE OUR PLAN OR LEAVE IT!
CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS: We are not giving the White House $700 billion without oversight. (Oh, by the way, here’s the supplemental bill to give the White House an additional $400 billion for the Iraq war. Spend it wisely. No, don’t thank us. Really.) We will support a bill that requires the White House to report to us every week on where the money we give it is going.
CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS: Let’s not tie the White House’s hands. We will support a bill that requires the White House to report to us every…six months?
CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS: Once a week.
CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS: Every two months.
CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS: Every two weeks.
CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS: Okay.
WHITE HOUSE: The sky is falling! The sky is falling!
CONGRESS: We’ve reached an agreement. Now, all we have to do is work out the wording of the –
JOHN MCCAIN: Economics is not my strong suit, but I’m a presidential candidate, so I’m suspending my campaign to go immediately to Washington to deal with the financial crisis.
BARACK OBAMA: Your surrogates are still talking to the media and you continue to place attack ads in key states – John, exactly what part of your campaign are you suspending?
JOHN MCCAIN: The part where I have to deal with you!
CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS: We don’t support the current bill.
CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS: What? We had a deal! Why have you withdrawn your support for the current bill?
CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS: Because it doesn’t give enough credit to John McCain.
CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS: He didn’t do anything!
CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS: Democrats are delaying a solution to the problem by hijacking the legislative process.
CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS: Wha –
WHITE HOUSE: Uhh…guys. Remember? Major crisis? Sky falling? Economic implosion?
CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS: Okay. Okay. Let’s take the weekend to negotiate further. We need to come up with a plan before the Asian markets open Sunday afternoon. Any bailout we fund must not allow CEOs that have looted their financial institutions or allowed them to disintegrate thanks to bad decisions to make millions of dollars in compensation or golden parachutes.
CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS: Why do you hate capitalism so much?
CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS: That…wasn’t helpful.
CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS: Sorry, but we are in the middle of an election.
WHITE HOUSE: Umm…urgency, guys? Gotta find a solution quickly? Remem –
CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS: Sigh. Okay. We want some safeguards for the people on Main Street who are losing their homes.
CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS: We’ll give you the oversight on CEO salaries, but we refuse to help homeowners – they’re your base, not ours.
CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS: That is the most cynical –
ASIAN MARKETS: fall hundreds of points because a deal isn’t reached before they open.
CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS: Alright, alright, if we agree to that, will we have a deal?
CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS: Sounds good.
CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS: Good.
JOHN MCCAIN: Friends, I was finally able to broker a deal on the economic crisis.
CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS: Of course, we won’t vote for the bill.
CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS: Oh, for crying out – why not?
CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS: Speaker of the House Pelosi said some mean things about us this morning.
CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS: So, you’re going to torpedo a bill that we’ve sweated over night and day for a week, a bill that is extremely urgent, one that will hopefully keep the international economy from collapsing, because your feelings are hurt?
CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS: It’s a matter of respect…
CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS: It’s a matter of insanity!
CONGRESSIONAL REPUBLICANS: Besides, what you’re proposing, it…it’s…socialism.
CONGRESSIONAL DEMOCRATS: It was a Republican administration who first proposed the bailout!
THE DOW JONES INDUSTRIAL AVERAGE: drops 777 points, the biggest single day loss since…ever.
I think I’d rather watch chef Gordon Ramsey make squid casserole – it couldn’t possibly be as messy!