Another month of gratuitous silliness.
1. Cherry Tomato – good stripper name or great stripper name?
2. “No!” is not an answer to the question, “How much does it cost?”
3. Sometimes, you know, I just feel like a square peg in a square hole…
4. Good intentions only get you 47 centimetres…
5. Welcome to Canada, home of the Canadarm (because we like picking up after ourselves…)
6. Les Pages aux Folles: there for you when lesser Web sites stop returning your phone calls!
7. Is trying to do new scientific research on the cheap a pilot lite project?
8. Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from the previous chicken who crossed the road!
9. Disappearing radio drama is theatre of the never mind…
10. I find it hard to think of it as a “class war” when the people waging it are so uncouth…
11. He who dies with the most Twitter followers wasted fifty bucks.
12. Pro rata does not mean “professional rat” (except on Wall Street).
13. Persona non grata does not mean “person without cheese” (except in Hollywood).
14. You will not win all your bottles, so choose carefully.
15. Views expressed are my own, and not of any institution I may have stayed in…
16. Les Pages aux Folles: if it didn’t exist, it wouldn’t have been invented!
17. When you have a hammerhead, everything looks like a snail.
18. As Arthur C. Clarke truly wrote: any sufficiently advanced icemaker will appear to be magic…
19. Why is there no Monopoly – Skid Road Edition?
20. Writing non-sequiturs means never having to say you’re abstremious purple headcase!
21. Some people are born obscure, some have obscurity thrust upon them.
22. But, if everything tasted like bacon, wouldn’t nothing taste like bacon?
23. People are just spam’s way of propagating itself…
24. And, remember: spunk is not the past tense of the verb spank…
25. If he’s such a man of the people, why can’t the people trade him in for a brand new Chevrolet?
26. Sometimes, you just want to let the call of the wild go to voicemail…
27. Welcome to Canada, where we make up the weather as we go along…
28. When your head’s up your ass, hindsight is 20/20!
29. Warning! The life you lead may contain adult content!
30. I hated my hair so much, I woke up screaming the day I dyed…
31. Writing non-sequiturs means that if you want to mess with readers’ heads you should write straight prose …
In Ontario, you can turn at a red light. This month, Things You Can’t Do at a Red Light…
1. At a red light, you can’t take over a small African nation and set yourself up as king.
2. At a red light, you can’t read all of Proust’s A La Recherche du Temps Perdus…in the original Klingon!
3. At a red light, you can’t put your mind at ease, those rumours to rest or the lime in the coconut.
4. At a red light, you can’t justify Rob Ford’s sociopathic lying.
5. At a red light, you can’t join Match.com, meet your soul mate, marry, have three kids, sign on to Ashley Madison…
6. At a red light, you can’t defrag your desktop’s hard drive.
7. At a red light, you can’t watch a film version of Welcome to the Multiverse (much as I wish you could).
8. At a red light, you can’t walk a mile in another person’s shoes.
9. At a red light, you can’t dye your hair purple with orange streaks. And, why would you want to?
10. At a red light, you can’t shoot a man in Memphis just to watch him die.
11. At a red light, you can’t snort an elephant.
12. At a red light, you can’t stop 37 shots and get a shutout…for the Blue Jays…
13. At a red light, you can’t get a solid eight hours of sleep, even if you’re listening to Question Period.
14. At a red light, you can’t tug on Superman’s cape, you can’t spit into the wind, you can’t mess with the old Lone Ranger and…
15. At a red light, you can’t remember if you have to cut the green wire or the blue wire to disarm the bomb…
16. At a red light, you can’t raid your company’s pension fund, leaving your workers with a bleak future.
17. At a red light, you can’t drive through a green light (because it could be a crime).
18. At a red light, you can’t drink a Blue Lite (because you have no lime).
19. At a red light, you can’t go into the white light (because it’s not your time).
20. At a red light, you can’t fight the battle of the Pelennor Fields with just grit and a toothpick, no matter how sharp.
21. At a red light, you can’t marvel at the drama of plate tectonics in action…
22. At a red light, you can’t be reincarnated as a squirrel. Especially a red squirrel.
23. At a red light, you can’t friend Justin Bieber on Facebook (although you can try to justify wanting to…good luck).
24. At a red light, you can’t explain why the Mayor smoking crack is “human” while anybody else doing it is “criminal.”
25. At a red light, you can’t find true love (although you might be able to have a one night stand…).
26. At a red light, you can’t decant the mummy’s remains.
27. At a red light, you can’t pour concrete for the 127th condo project started in the city…this week!
28. At a red light, you can’t change the empty toilet paper roll in the bathroom – well, that’s awkward…
29. At a red light, you can’t stop the Germans from invading Poland.
30. At a red light, you can’t stop Ender’s Game from being a hit movie.
31. At a red light, you can’t make a list of things you can’t do at a red light…but somebody should.