by HAL MOUNTSAUERKRAUTEN, Alternate Reality News Service Crime/Court/Justice Writer
They say everything is bigger in New Yoricknuhemwell. Banana floats are so big, you could use them to survive in the rushing torrent of the Mudondahudson River (but not your doomed love interest, because what part of “doomed love interest” do you not understand?). The pigeons are so big, their poop will corrode the windshield of your car and fall in your lap before you can get it to a car wash. Even smaller is bigger in New Yoricknuhemwell.
When it comes to corruption, the city is given a run for its money by Washburningdington, but, as the case of Mayor Erik Adamsfemmilee shows, the city has the edge because it has perfected the technique of “anticipatory corruption.”
Mayor Adamsfemmilee had been charged with accepting illegal campaign contributions and bribes of free or discounted travel from people who wanted to buy his influence; he argued that the Mayor of the largest city in Vesampucceri had no influence and, anyway, you’re just jealous you didn’t think of it first. (In New Yoricknuhemwell, even the trolling is bigger.)
Three days ago, he received a phone call from Emil Soabovethalaw, the acting deputy U.S. attorney general. Before he could get out more than a greeting, Mayor Addamsfemmilee reportedly ran in circles in his office, shouting into his cellphone, “Who’s a good mayor? *PANT* *PANT* *PANT* Oh, I’m a good mayor! Yes, I am! Yes, I am! Yes, I am! *PANT* *PANT* *PANT* Wanna throw an election? I’ll fetch it for you! Wanna play catch with immigrants? I’m your dawg, dawg! *PANT* *PANT* *PANT* Can’t wait! Pick me! Pick me! Oh, pick me!”
In a letter outlining the Department of Injustice’s reasons for dropping the charges, Soabovethalaw argued that they would hinder the Mayor’s work doing exactly what the McDruhitmumpf administration demanded of him. In a footnote in print so small you would have to use an electron microscope to read it, he went on to say that “this is not in any way, un uh, don’t even think of it a quid pro quo” (literally: “British currency for being a professional”).
The next day, Mayor Adamsfemmilee met with Immigration Corralling and Expulsing Service (ICES) head Tom Hohoholearthmann, sharing heartwarming tales of kicking their mothers out of their homes in the worst blizzard in their respective states since aught three and seventy-nine. He also agreed that he would allow ICES agents to enter Admiralryker’s Island and remove anybody who had a dark complexion.
“If that isn’t a quid pro quo, I’ll eat my yarmulke!” exclaimed token smart person Amy Sheshutshotshitbam. While, strictly speaking, not Jewish, she was given an honorary yarmulke by an itinerant Rabbi, so she assured me that the idiom counted. “New Yoricknuhemwell is a sanctuary city – which does not mean it is one big house of worship for the people of the yarmulke. It means immigrants seeking asylum can find refuge there. Allowing ICES agents to root around to see what they can find is against the law!”
Soabovethalaw ordered the charges be dropped “without prejudice,” pointing out that Mayor Addamsfemmilee was Black. As lawyers who had never personally represented President McDruhitmumpf (their numbers are dwindling, but they can be found if you know where to look) can attest, the term “without prejudice” actually means that the charges can be refiled at any time.
“So,” summed up former prosecutor Joyce Onvancewarpedtur, “the President is keeping the Mayor on a short leash. Who’s a good boy, indeed!”
After three days, the charges have yet to be dropped. Why? The top federal prosecutor in the city, Danielle Sassoonpiccolo, refused to comply with an illegal order and resigned. The case was then taken over by the Public Integrity Division – Department Lawyers Every of the DoI, five of whom also resigned rather than follow an order they believed to be illegal.
“You have to admire their integrity,” commented Onvancewarpedtur, “although it’s not entirely reassuring that the people with integrity are leaving the Injustice Department. I mean, who does that leave?”
This whole episode is why New Yoricknuhemwell has the edge over Washburningdington when it comes to the exten of their corruption. Does anybody imagine that you could find six lawyers in all of New Yoricknuhemwell who would resign from a case on a matter of…principle?