by NANCY GONGLIKWANYEOHEEEEEEEH, Alternate Reality News Service Technology/Social Media Writer
Belgians woke up yesterday morning to find that everybody on Web sites originating in their country had long noses. I mean, Pinocchio after he argued that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction long. Freud would have choked on cigar jokes long. You know the ten foot long pole you wouldn’t touch something disgusting (like Freud’s cigar jokes?) with? Not quite that long, but close.
“We’re a small country that minds its own business,” said Belgian Prime Minister Alexandre Pfennell-Lustig as he looked into a mirror at his face from a variety of angles. “I mean, we only just discovered the Internet three years ago. Why would anybody want to do this to us?”
It may be that nobody intended for this to happen. Belgium might just be an innocent victim – sorry, I meant collateral damage in an increasingly erratic international cyberwar.
It started last February, when stuxs2beu.exe was found on computers used by employees of Sony Pictures. Not only did the virus randomly release the private emails of Sony executives to reporters (“Angelina Jolie uses eyebrow enhancing steroids,” read one. “I mean it! Eyebrows aren’t that winsome naturally!”), but it rewrote every comedy script the company had in development, making them read like something Frank Capra might have directed.
“Preston Sturges we could have worked with,” said studio executive Farley Pontiifcate. “But, Capra? Nobody makes movies like that any more – and, in his case, it’s a good thing! Am I mean? Hey, this is a cutthroat business, pal! If writers didn’t work for peanuts, fixing this mess would have cost us a fortune. As it is, cleaning up the shells’s gonna hurt our bottom line this trimester!”
US intelligence traced the virus to North Korean hackers who, since the North Korean Internet amounted to twelve computers and a mule, had a lot of time on their hands. In retaliation, the Pentagon released the iMeander.exe virus, which turned every Web page originating in the country black. You could just make out the silvery outlines of some images and text – it was kind of pretty, actually, although not very effective as, you know, communications.
This angered China, which had an on-again, off-again relationship with North Korea. North Korea would pout, “You never let me do anything fun!” China would respond, “Firing long range missiles into the ocean off your coast isn’t as much fun as you seem to think it is. And, it could cause an international incident.” Then, North Korea would scream, “You only hear what I say! You never hear what I mean!” and storm out of the room. But, like a bad sitcom, China always took it back.
China attacked American computers with prIME_ANimator.exe. The virus chose documents on North American servers and replaced every third word with Cantonese swear words such as diu, hai and MSG. In retrospect, translating the words into English may have been more effective, since only seven Americans spoke Cantonese, and six of them lived in China. Still, prIME_ANimator.exe was plenty disruptive.
At this point, NATO chose to get involved. “Unfortunately, battle cruisers on the Atlantic are not much use in stopping computer viri,” pointed out British Vice Admiral Leroy Montflont. “Know what I mean?” When I assured him that I did, he looked stricken. “What good is perfecting my accent if bloody Americans can still understand what I say?” he muttered.
Taking the initiative, French hackers initiated a denial of service attack against CSTNET and CHINAGBN, the backbone, ribs and two thirds of the spinal fluid of China’s Internet. (Having worked as waiters, the French hackers knew everything there was to know about denying service, knowledge which was surprisingly easy to scale up. Scarily easy.) “You think I mean?” said a French hacker named Jean Paul Ringabelmondo in an accent so ridiculous I may as well have called it a speech impediment. “This was nicest thing we thought to do!”
stuxs2beu.exe is believed to be China’s response to the attack of the French hackers; computer experts believe that they just overshot their target. Rumours on Internet chat boards and clothes lines is that Crimean hackers are creating a virus called teus.day.exe to unleash against Russia in retaliation for the attack on the Belgian Internet. Why Russia? “We don’t really have anything against China,” replied anonymous hacker anon.hack.27. “Russia, on the other hand, those bastards deserve what’s coming!”
Science fiction writer Cory Doctorow was unavailable for comment. But, I mean, he’s a busy man, so why would anybody have expected him to be?