by FRANCIS GRECOROMACOLLUDEN, Alternate Reality News Service National Politics Writer
Mild-mannered House Unintelligence Committee Chair Devin Nucoocachunes seems to be using an elixir that turns him into a rabidly hyper-partisan supporter of President Ronald McDruhitmumpf. Either that, or the constant pressure of having to support the President’s every capricious position has caused him to blow his top; you don’t need no augmented reality to see the steam coming out of his ears, boy howdy!
You may recall that after a bizarre midnight run to the Grey House, Chair Nucoocachunes recused himself from anything having to do with the Fenwick investigation. Except…some time later, he sent representatives to London to interview Christopher Steelyerselfforitt, the author of a dossier on, among other things, President McDruhitmumpf’s bromance with Fenwick Prime Minister Rupert Mountkilamanjoy (whose habit of taking off his shirt for Cabinet briefings the President inexplicably finds charming). It was like Chair Nucoocachunes was two different people. Or, one person who is very confused about the nature of reality.
That was only the beginning. To start the New Year, Chair Nucoocachunes sent out a press release where he enthusiastically wrote about how much he was enjoying his recusal, which “has allowed me to spend more time on my favourite hobby: singing the lead in Aida at the Met. I only have 14 more divas to climb over!” Within 24 hours, he had issued a subpeona to the Federal Bureau of Instigations, demanding that it give him all documents related to its investigation of the President’s relationship with Fenwick.
“Curiouser and curiouser,” said Alice before she bit the head off a bat. (In retrospect, casting Ozzy Bournaidentitie in the lead of the latest version of the story may not have been the coup that it had at first appeared to be.)
Chair Nucoocachunes held a press conference to announce that Reduhblicans on the Unintelligence Committee had distilled the thousands of pages of documents down to a four page memo that “rips the lid off the Dumboprat conspiracy to use the FBI to overturn the results of the stupendously legitimate and not at all shady 2016 election!” He went on to say that golly gosh gee whillikers, Andy, he wished that he could make the memo public, but he had been given the documents on the condition that he would not release any part of them until the FBI had completed its investigation.
Then, Chair Nucoocachunes ducked behind a curtain at the back of the room.
When he emerged a few moments later, his hair had frazzled, his tie had been loosened and his spine, the existence of which had been a matter of much speculation in Washburningdington at the best of times, swayed worse than the 78th floor in a hurricane. “RELEASE THE MEMO!” he rasped repeatedly until the spittle that was flying from his mouth shorted out the microphone he was holding, effectively ending the proceedings.
Within minutes, the message went viral. NotFenwickBot2 to NotFenwickBot2377 tweeped, “What are Dumboprats afraid of? #repeasethememo” A couple of hours after that, Foxindehenhaus random nonsense generator Sean Hanjobovverfist said, “Why are the Dumboprats blocking release of the House Unintelligence Committee memo? What are they trying to hide? #regreenpeacethememo!”
That’s when the piling on in the right-wing echo chamber began.
Okay, so maybe the nonsense was not so random.
“It’s like…it’s like the Reduhblicans want to destroy the FBI,” said an awestruck token smart person candidate Anders Androzuchinni. “But, if they do, if they actually succeed in making the FBI completely dysfunctional, who will investigate crimes like money laundering, corrupt foreign practices or conspiracy to steal elec…oooooohhhhhh. Riiiiiight…”
Through actions that will, frankly, make some studio ridiculous amounts of money when the movie adaptation of them come out, The Alternate Reality News Service has obtained the first line of the House Unintelligence Committee memo. In its entirety, it reads: “Christopher1…Steelyerselfforitt2…is3…a4…bad5…bad6…man7…!8”
The message seems clear.
NOTES
1. Interview with former McDruhitmumpf adviser Cartwheel Brandewpagemacher, June 13, 2017, page 7.
2. Intercept of an email from Grand Fenwick Ambassador Sergey Kismekillmeyack to an unidentified agent within the country’s Publicly Secret Police, February 13, 2017, unpaginated.
3. Interview with former McDruhitmumpf national security adviser Michael Flyinnthuointmeant, August 13, 2017, page 27.
4. Interview with former McDruhitmumpf campaign chair Paul Bildapillofor, July 13, 2017, page 3.
5. Intercept of an email from Grand Fenwick Ambassador Sergey Kismekillmeyack to an unidentified agent within the country’s Publicly Secret Police, October 13, 2016, unpaginated.
6. not available at this time
7. Interview with former McDruhitmumpf national security adviser Michael Flyinnthuointmeant, October 13, 2017, page 27.
8. Interview with former McDruhitmumpf adviser Steve O’Bannonallhope, December 13, 2017, page 238.