“Would the witness please state his full name for the record?”
“Huge Harry.”
“Is that your full name?”
“Uhh…Huge Harry…Wetsmith.”
“And, what is your relationship to the defendant, Larry Wetsmith?”
“I am his penis.”
“Your Honour -!”
“Ms. Loco-Parentis -“
“This is a perversion of justice! A man’s body parts cannot testify against him! What’s next? A hand testifying against an alleged forger? Eyes testifying against a suspected voyeur? Really, Your Honour, I cannot but object in the most strenous ma -“
“That’s enough, Ms. Loco-Parentis. If you feel that strongly about the subject, start working on your appeal. Until then, I have already ruled that the witness can testify. Please continue, Mr. Carrera-Avis.”
“Thank you, Your Honour. Now…uhh, Huge Harry. Are you – umm, forgive me for asking, but why are you called Huge Harry?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, you aren’t that, uhh, big.”
“Average Harry doesn’t sound all that impressive, really, does it?”
“Mmm – good point. Still…average?”
“Did I come here to give testimony, or did I come here to be insulted?”
“Sorry. Now, Huge Harry, you are aware that Larry Wetsmith is a psychiatrist on trial for sexually abusing his patients, are you not?”
“I am.”
“You have heard the testimony from the 17 women who have claimed to have been victims of the abuse, as well as the defense’s opening statement that the sexual activity was actually intended as a therapy to help cure the women’s various sexual dysfunctions. Is this correct?”
“Yes.”
“So. Can you please tell me where you were at the time of these sexual acts?”
“You mean, specifically?”
“Yes.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes?”
“Well, I was inside the women. Then outside. Then -“
“Ah, yes. I see your point. Let me…let me rephrase the question. Were you a…a witness to the actions of the defendant? That is to say, were you in the room at the time of the alleged sexual assaults?”
“Right. Definitely.”
“And, would you say that these acts were legitimate therapeutic acts?”
“Objection, Your Honour! The witness has no medical credentials on which to base such a judgement!”
“You Honour, the witness is part of a recognized practicing physician, a man whose degrees attest to his years of study. Surely, the court can assume that he has access to all of the knowledge of the person of which he is a part!”
“Your Honour, the prosecution cannot have it both ways. If the witness is a part of the defendant for purposes of accessing his knowledge, then the witness cannot be compelled to testify against him, since this would be a form of self-incrimination. On the other hand, if the witness is a separate entity for purposes of testifying, then he cannot claim to share the defendant’s medical knowledge.”
“She’s got you there. The objection is sustained. The witness will refrain from rendering any medical opinions.”
“Ummm…okay. Huge Harry. While this sexual activity was going on, were you primarily concerned with the psychological wellbeing of the women you were, uhh…”
“Getting it on with?”
“Yes.”
“Is that a joke?”
“What was primarily on your mind?”
“What is ever on a penis’ mind?”
“So, you were primarily interested in your own sexual gratification?”
“You make it sound so clinical.”
“This is a court of law. Please answer the question.”
“Yeah. Obviously. Getting it on was my only concern.”
“Okay, then. Now, Huge Harry, were you not concerned that, being in a position of authority over these women, you had an obligation not to indulge in your own sexual gratification?”
“What?”
“Were you not concerned that you had an obligation not to indulge in your own sexual gratification?”
“I’m sorry. I know you’re speaking English, but I don’t quite get the words. Not…not -“
“Not indulge in your own sexual gratification.”
“That doesn’t make any sense. All I ever wanna do is indulge in my own sexual gratification. I mean, geez, you don’t have ta believe me – I got millions of years of evolution to back that up!”
“So, you felt no moral obligation to abstain from sex with your patients?”
“Abstain from sex? There you go again, talking crazy talk. You wanna talk about moral obligations, you should be questioning the brain or something.”
“Thank you. The prosecution rests.”