| 1. | Has the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee chosen a running mate? | |
| NO | 2. | Continue attacking the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee. When you’ve got a good thing going, don’t overthink it. |
| YES | 3. | Attack the personal history of the chosen Democratic vice presidential candidate, lying as necessary. |
| 4. | Lie about the political record of the chosen Democratic vice presidential candidate. | |
| 5. | Accuse the chosen Democratic vice presidential candidate of being a radical, socialist, Communist, fascist, anarcho-syndicalist, racist, antisemitic, and/or warmongering anti-Christ whose very existence threatens the nation and the world. Do not feel overly concerned about the truth of any or all of these descriptors. | |
| 6. | Are all of the lines of attack turning Democrats against the chosen vice presidential candidate? | |
| YES | Great job! This is just like shooting fish in a barrel, isn’t it? And you know the best part? You don’t even have to hit a fish! The bullet holes will cause all of the water to leak out, killing the fish anyway! GO TO 3 | |
| NO | 7. | Are two of the three lines of attack turning Democrats against the chosen vice presidential candidate? |
| YES | Great…ish job! It’s like an easy lay-up – every once in a while, you just know you’re going to bounce off the rim. Keep up the semi-good work! GO TO 3 | |
| NO | 8. | Find another aspect of the personal history of the Democratic vice presidential candidate to attack. |
| 9. | Lie about a different part of the political record of the chosen Democratic vice presidential candidate. | |
| 10. | Find new adjectives to describe the absolute awfulness of the chosen Democratic vice presidential candidate, or combine the ones you have been using in new ways. Make up new adjectives if you have to. Nothing less than the fate of the country (and the world) is at stake! | |
| 11. | Are all of these lines of attack turning Democrats against the chosen vice presidential candidate? | |
| YES | You really are on fire, aren’t you? Keep at it! GO TO 8 | |
| NO | 12. | Are two of these three lines of attack turning Democrats against the chosen vice presidential candidate? |
| YES | Okay, you are definitely smouldering. Fan those flames! GO TO 8 | |
| 13. | Is there less than a week to go before the election? | |
| NO | 14. | Use all six of your attack lines, and as many others as you can come up with. Be ruthless! Be relentless! Be honest…to the extent that the record allows! Attack! Attack! Attack! Then, GO TO 13 |
| YES | 15. | Most people have made up their minds by now, so there’s not much to do. You may as well keep up the attacks, secure in the knowledge that you have run the better campaign…and, anyway, all it takes is a couple of key states not to certify their election results to get the case punted to the Supreme Court. You’ve got this! |
Notes
Say you’re a Republican presidential candidate. It happens. Of course, you want to win. So, what do you do when your Democratic opponent chooses their running mate? Do you engage the vice presidential candidate on their ideas, carefully picking apart the flaws in their planned policies and showing how your policies are better? No, of course you don’t – Republican Party policies are about as popular as malaria.
You deploy The Republican Opposition Vice Presidential Attack Algorithm, of course.
One of the glories of The Republican Opposition Vice Presidential Attack Algorithm is that it’s candidate agnostic. That doesn’t mean that it accuses the Democratic vice presidential candidate of being a godless heathen (unless this will play well to the base, in which case, go for it!). No, it means that it can (and will) be applied to any candidate the Democratic Party chooses. The great thing about not being bound to some archaic idea of “Truth” is that you can paint Mother Teresa as a monster! (What was she doing with all those young people, hmm?)
Does The Republican Opposition Vice Presidential Attack Algorithm seem like a rehashed version of The Republican Opposition Presidential Attack Algorithm. That’s because it is! When you’ve got a winning formula, you don’t mess with it – just ask the Coca Cola Company!
As with all of our politico-computational analyses, The Republican Opposition Vice Presidential Attack Algorithm is descriptive, not proscriptive: it depicts the world as it is, not as we believe it should be. More’s the pity…